PAST TENSE

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (09-26-24)

     You may say I'm a relic, you may say I'm a troglodyte, you may say I'm a Neanderthal, just because I think that there are some things that are automated that maybe shouldn't be. You may also think I'm a circumlocutionist, but I'd have to look that up before agreeing with you. 

     I'm not saying I want to go back to washing my clothes in the river, because who knows where the guy up the river's clothes have been? I don't want to return to the days before automatic appliances came along to save us so much time that now we were free to go to the gym and work off all the extra pounds we gained when automatic appliances started doing all the work for us. No, I want a refrigerator with a "Shelvador!" I want a dishwasher with "Faucet-Flo!" I want a washing machine with a "Surgomatic" push-button control!

     I'm just saying that automation isn't everything. Did you ever go on the "people mover" at the airport? It's a treadmill-type device that offers you the chance rest your tired feet while it moves you AND your suitcase at a speed somewhere between "mosey" and "inert," for a stretch of distance roughly the equivalent of 20 feet or so. The fact that a snail could beat me to my seat and get slime all over my blanket makes me crazy.

     Music streaming services have taken away the artists right to bury a song in the middle of an album that you hate at first but eventually grow to somewhat tolerate. And because of streaming, nobody makes "mix tapes" any more. That's where I took all the best songs from all my albums and put them all on a tape for you. If I made you a mix tape, that meant that I love you. I love you, but I hate your taste in music, and I'm hoping that you'll play it when I'm around, even though you don't like it, because you think that I will because you love me too, now that you realize how much I love you. Do you think your Spotify algorithm would go through all that? Your Spotify algorithm would dump you for a whole lot less than I've put up with so far. OH, and I want my mix tape back.

     We have a water cooler at work that activates by a proximity switch that senses your body heat and emits water into your cup when you get close to it. It was introduced during the pandemic, when people thought you were going to get cooties by touching something that somebody else touched who had cooties. My sister used to wash everything in her grocery bag when she got home because I guess maybe she heard of soup cans dying during the pandemic. Anyway, the fact that the automatic water cooler doesn't work very well is disappointing, because I thought it would be one of the few things that got turned on when I was near it.

     My wife has an automatically adjusting driver's seat in her car. All you do is press a button and PRESTO! About five minutes later, my knees have almost disengaged from the steering wheel. I ask my driver's seat, "Is this going to take much longer?" "Nooooo. This is what I do. It's my jam." "That's okay, I'll just do it myself, I'll just-" "No, no, no, I got this! It'll only take a few more minutes." "Really, I'll just use the lever and-" "Nonsense, now you just sit back and relax." "Those are the only two things I seem not able to do right now."

     And in my car, there's a setting for the headlights that automatically turns on the high beams when I don't need them, and switches to the low beams when I can't see well enough. Someone probably stayed up all night thinking of that, then got into an accident on the way home testing it out.

     My Dad loved gadgets, especially automatic gadgets that would eliminate the drudgery of everyday tasks, such as brushing your hair. If you were to brush your hair 200 or 300 times a day, imagine the time you would save if you had an automatic hairbrush to do it for you? Well my Dad managed to unearth just such a device, and I have four sisters who, when this hair-eating menace yanked out their delicate follicles, barely escaped with their lives. HOWEVER, if you are a brother with four sisters and you pull their hair out 200 or 300 times a day, imagine the time you would save if you had an automatic hairbrush to do it for you?

     Why can't somebody invent something REALLY useful, like a device that senses that a "Kars for Kids" commercial is about to air, and mutes my radio or television automatically for exactly 30 seconds?

     I think the worst offender is the auto-fill function of word processors. All you have to do is start a sentence, and it will figure out what you want to say and say it for you. At least I think that's what it does, I broke it by trying to make it guess what I was going to say.

     I guess I'll never really have a "smart home" as long as I happen to be living in it.

WHAT DOESN'T KILL YOU ONLY MAKES YOU FATTTER

 ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (09-19-24)

     Is it my imagination or is it getting harder and harder just to maintain my current weight? As I get older I have to watch what I eat, because if I don't I might stab my fork into a vegetable by mistake.

     I weigh myself every day before my shower, and I subtract a couple pounds for my pants, a pound for each sock and one for my tee shirt, My hair is long right now so that's another couple pounds, and 50 pounds for my knapsack. If I notice an uptick in my weight, I just take a couple more things out of the knapsack. After the subtraction I weigh 120, which pretty good for a woman my weight.

     I never want to go on a diet because my doctor tells me I have to, especially if he's overweight, too. And if he tells me I need to go on a low sodium diet, I take the advice with a grain of salt. But if it turns out I need to alter my approach at the table, how to go about it?  Each diet has its pros and cons. With the paleo diet you eat the same things someone from the paleolithic era would have eaten, such as vegetables, fruits, possibly a Glyptodon. The pros are, you eliminate all processed foods, and it's simple to follow. The cons? Name me one person from the Paleolithic era who's still alive. Also, Glyptodons are chewy.

     There's the keto diet which, by starving the body of carbohydrates, "tricks" the body into producing ketones, which then fuel the body instead. It may be effective for short-term weight loss, but also has its pros and cons. Pros: You can eat all the Brussels sprouts and cauliflower you want. Cons: You can eat all the Brussels sprouts and cauliflower you want.

     There's the Mediterranean diet, which tries to emulate the eating habits of countries that use olive oil, fish, potatoes, fruits and vegetables. Cons: It's expensive to eat healthy. Pros: The Mediterranean is really nice this time of year.

     There's the Mayo Clinic diet, which is high on foods with a lot of mayonnaise. I didn't actually look that one up but it seems pretty obvious.

     The doctor is just going to tell you not to go in for any fad diets, simply cut down on portions, eat sensibly and exercise more. And you start to think, well, that makes sense, maybe I can do this. Then he says all that stuff that they say really quietly at the end of a commercial, only it's so fast you can't really make it out, and you just hear fleeting snippets, like, "use responsibly," "do not take during pregnancy, or before, or after," "not liable for your problems," "don't be such a baby," "suck it up," "may cause death" and "you do a lot of other even dumber things." And you say, "What?" and he says, "Oh, nothing." Yet they always take your deductible in advance in case you don't make it through the consultation.

     My wife drives me nuts because she can order a salad with just about anything in it, and then rave about how great it was for the rest of the night, and she never puts on any weight. She could order a salad made out of bar bells and never gain a pound.

     I am a hound for chocolate, and I smuggle it away like a dope addict and eat it in private. We had a dinner party and Margaret and Gene brought this great chocolate cake with a ton of chocolate frosting on it. The fact that I could have my cake and eat it too was just the icing on the cake (Okay, I'm done now). When I finished the last crumb there was still icing all over the plate, so I waited until my wife went into the kitchen and started licking the plate. I glanced over at the doorway and there she was, with a smug look on her face where the shocked and disappointed look usually is. She said, "I bet myself five dollars that you would do that and you did." I said, "Well, if you use the money to buy more cake we can do this again and eventually you'll have a million dollars. That's why they describe cake as 'rich.' By the way, exactly which rule of etiquette says that you can't lick icing off a plate?" I doubled down. She said, "The rule of etiquette that says you can't lick icing off a plate."

     I feel like restaurants have my back by making it so expensive to eat out that you could lose a couple quick pounds every time you go, just from your wallet. Recently I ordered a chicken sandwich and asked for extra mayonnaise. They cheerfully provided a tiny cup of it, and even more cheerfully added an extra .75 cents to the bill at the end. If they start charging me when I ask for a straw, that will be the last straw. And in New York there's a bar I go to that when I ask for a beer, they won't tell me how much it is, as if such things aren't discussed among civilized people. Instead they bring the check in a little tray, as if I'm going to try to deduct it on my tax return.  

     That reminds me of the 1040 diet which, every April, when you realize much you're going to lose, spoils your appetite. You think I made that one up? We'll see in seven months.