GETTING SMART

 

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (02-06-25)

     How is your New Year's Resolution coming along? Mine neither. Mine was to try and get smarter. It's not that I'm dumb, relatively speaking, it's just that I do dumb things at an extraordinary rate.

     Growing up in America, parents and teachers used to tell you that you could be anything you wanted to be. This was to encourage you to share your dreams so that they could talk you out of them at an early age. That's when they began a propaganda campaign bent on decrying the dangers of being an out-of-work rock-and-roll musician with many girlfriends who, while fun to hang around with, especially after several cocktails, had expensive tastes in cars and plastic surgery procedures, while extolling the exciting life that certified public accountants lead. 

     Well, I don't want to burst your bubble, but you CAN'T be anything you want to be when you grow up. I wanted to be a microbiologist, but I'm way too tall. One occupation I might have qualified for is a teacher, but what grade would I teach? It would have to be one with students whom I am smarter than, which would require testing them to find out if they are qualified. I could teach second grade math, or I could teach foreign high school students English as a third language, provided they had no interest in figuring out what a pluperfect tense is. 

     Anyway, as you grow older, you need to protect the synapses that are still residing with you from the seduction of early retirement. So I've embarked upon a multifaceted program to increase my general knowledge, about more subjects. Partly to improve myself, but mainly, it's so I can call up answers quickly from my "mental database" when my wife and I watch "Jeopardy" together. Right now, my "mental database" is sorted into "1970s game shows," "commercial jingles that are annoying to most," and "foods that I don't like and you shouldn't either." Under-represented are: "world captitols," "current events," "important leaders," "science," "physics," and "spelling, specifically whether capitols are spelled with an 'o' or an 'a.'"

     As it is, when we watch "Jeopardy" my focus is not on the questions so much as obscuring the correct answer just at the very time of its revelation, using subterfuge, diversion or feigning a medical emergency after I've shouted out my response. That way, my answer could still be correct- we'll never know, will we?

     So I subscribed to a service that provides "brain games" on my computer, which are designed to increase your cognitive awareness, memory, problem solving and attention span. What the hell was I talking about again? Oh yeah. The idea is that if you play these games often enough, you'll start to appear less stupid over time. At least over the time from 7:00 to 7:30PM, when Jeopardy is on.

     I don't know if it will work, but it does allow you to see empirically where your strengths lie, and if they have any intention of ever getting up. One of the games casts you as a waiter, and you need to remember the names of your customers to get tips. I rose to the top level of this game, able to remember all the names of all the customers, even though they only came once. They never returned, since I could not remember what they ordered. 

     In another game, I play the role of a train dispatcher, changing the switches of the tracks to direct the correct train toward its matching depot. The idea is that you must think quickly in a setting of divided attention, and execute decisions with one part of your brain while planning the next action with a different part of your brain.

     Scientists used to say that you only used a small portion of your brain power, saving the rest for, I don't know, what? A salad? If I was using say, only ten percent of my brain, the other 70 percent should be well-rested, and able to find my car keys. Is the 10 percent that was on duty the part of my brain that lost them in the first place?

     I guess I've survived this long with having relatively nothing intelligent to say, and it hasn't slowed me down that much. I'm the kind of person that, when all is said and done, for some reason I'm still talking. My advice is rarely sought, because it will come and find you anyway on its own, even if you're sleeping. I'll leave you with another math problem that has to do with fractions, and you can use it to figure out how my New Year's resolution is coming along: If you drank a fifth of Scotch, what did you do with the other four fifths? Write me and I'll come help you look for it.