A FELINE SIDELINE

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (06-19-25)

    My wife has embarked upon a retirement job as a volunteer greeter for the SPCA. It's a great way to meet other animal lovers. But it's an important job, because that is the first face that potential adopters will see. Words of encouragement, some explanation of the processes and the availability of potential companions help to grease the wheels of a successful match. 

     She wants to eventually become a "cat cuddler," which you have to undergo a separate training session for. I've had experience with the subject myself, and sometimes my cat and I have different ideas of what constitutes cuddling, and what we expect to happen immediately afterward. For instance, if you're a cat I might give you a little stroke on the top of the head, and you might close your eyes, signifying that you have other things to do. So I might give you a little tap on the nose, and you give me a little nip on the finger as if to say, "that was my NOSE." But I ignore that, knowing that you're just toying with me, as a mobster toys with an informant. And I give you a little caress under your chin at the same time that I give you a little tug on your ear, and you're not sure which one to believe, so you lay a few outstretched claws on my wrist, as if to say, OH sorry, ha, ha, I didn't know those were loaded, and I say, oh, look at you! You want to play, don't you! And you say Yes, I would love to play- by the way, who is your primary care provider? And this goes on for a while until one of you falls asleep and the other is Googling "what gets out blood stains." If it was me I would begin the training with a lesson on how to cuddle a cat after placing him in a half-nelson, but let's not start off on the wrong foot. At the SPCA they know a thing or two more than I do.

     Yes they do. They have plenty of resources to help ensure that your new friend's adjustment into your family is smooth and drama-free. For instance, I learned on their site that cats have an extensive vocabulary. A "meow" might mean many different things, such as "feed me," "pet me" or "let me out," and they can translate these phrases into several languages. "Meow" is also the word they use for "ubiquitous." Oddly enough, according to the resource material, cats do not meow at other cats.

     At times there may be more exotic friends waiting to meet you at the Rescue Center. Hip-Hop, the rabbit was adopted. They thought he would be easily placed at Easter time, but maybe it's all for the best that he wasn't, with all those chocolate bunnies around. "Psst. HEY: Brown bunny. What the hell happened to your ears?" "What did you say?" There was also a lizard who recently found a loving family to call his own. My wife said someone finally adopted the three-legged cat that was there. Perhaps they had already adopted another leg somewhere else?

     She said that a woman came in who wanted a cat, and said she was a great owner because she "works her pets pretty hard." What do you mean, works them pretty hard? I had a vision of a team of cats, yoked together to till the fields, only they're each pulling toward a bird in a different direction, and only one square inch gets plowed. But it was nothing like that; she apparently has a device that illuminates a different light when the cat steps on it, based on his own needs. It might say, "dinner" or "treat" or "pats" or "play." I figure that when the cat becomes smart enough to rewire a button that says, "I'd just like to be left alone," her job will be done.

     The facility has all kinds of outreach and off-site programs, like Puppy Yoga. If a puppy demonstrates how to do a "downward dog" position, you should listen. The dogs travel to concerts, street fairs and events all around Westchester. 

     There are all kinds of ways you could talk yourself out of a wonderful friendship with someone who really needs you. Maybe you don't have the time. If you took a few hours away from doom-scrolling each day, you'd be surprised how things might open up. Maybe you're not ready for an emotional commitment. Which makes me think you might want to cut some of the Kardashians out of your life. You could "Adopt-A-Highway," of course, but when it jumps up onto your lap, you'll wish you took in a nice tabby instead. 

     Animals didn't ask to be domesticated, and they certainly didn't ask to be abandoned. That's not entirely true, mine have made that wish abundantly clear at times. But the fact remains that there are too many animals searching for a "forever home." How can YOU help? There are many ways, even if you're not ready to adopt. Besides monetary gifts, the SPCA accepts food and medications, treats, toys and carriers. There are a variety of ways to donate your time as well; they're always looking for people to help exercise or socialize the animals. As Lisa from the Center notes, "It doesn't have to be a long-term relationship...." Good, you say, because I just broke up with a guy who slobbered, barked at me, begged for food and sometimes chewed furniture, and I just got new furniture.

     You and your new rescue pet are bound to have many satisfying years together. The SPCA can help you find the perfect match, and make the transition so smooth you may not even know you're being rescued.

FLIGHT OF FANCY

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (06-04-25)

     Some weeks ago newswoman Gayle King and several other people were shot into space. She apparently agreed to the idea completely sober, and was part of an all-female flight on a Blue Origin rocket that reached suborbital space, during which participants experienced weightlessness and saw the Earth as alien creatures might, the same ones that complain about the food and how there's no parking. The craft reached an altitude of 62 miles above the Earth, about the same mileage as a trip to Syosset, only much less easier to get to.

    Blue Origin is owned by Amazon founder Jeff Bezos, and he is the only person I would trust to deliver me back to my house on time within two days, as long as you have  a Prime membership. Also on the flight was NASA scientist Aisha Bowe, who could probably tell you if something is going wrong. "Aisha- did you hear that noise? Do you think could get out there and have a peek under the hood or something?" "Rick, that noise was your heart returning to your chest cavity." "Oh. Well at least my heart is in the right place."

     Gayle did receive some backlash for going on the 11-minute trip, which was estimated to have cost somewhere between $200,000 and $400,000 dollars, and that's for coach. All that money could have been used to send underprivileged people into space instead. Still, others maintain that exploration of space is money well spent. Look at how many important discoveries have been made as a result of space research: CAT scans, LEDs, scratch-resistant lenses, wireless headphones. Memory foam: picture a world in  which you went home and your foam had NO recollection of who you even were. Would we be enjoying freeze-dried food without space exploration? I'm not sure we're enjoying it now.

     Now that it's possible to go, I hear of people saying that apace is beckoning them. "RICK?" "What?" "It's Space, beckoning you. Why don't you come on up here? Look at all the room, no lines for anything. No Kars for Kids commercials. All the LEDs and scratch-resistant lenses you could ever dream of. Of course, you can't go outside. And it is expensive to go, but an anonymous group of donors has offered to pay for your ticket, although they insisted it be one-way." No thanks, not me. I get sick on any amusement park ride that has a sign showing you how tall you have to be to get on, let alone one where you have to list your next of kin. 

    Has Gayle King never watched a science fiction movie? In every single one of them, something goes very, very wrong. Remember HAL, from "2001: A Space Odyssey?" HAL was a computer that took over the spacecraft and locked the mission commander out. "HAL. Can you please let me back in? Don't make me access your memory banks and reduce you to a pile of loosely-coded logarithms." "You? Please. You don't know how to turn off your cell phone." "You can tun it off?" And what about aliens? Trust me, there is not one alien out  there who wants to simply hang out on the couch and watch "Severance" with you. They pretty much all want to kill you, and possibly eat you. There are people who have really bad taste, and ironically they will be left to repopulate the Earth.       

    This is in no way a dig at Gayle King, who seems like a very nice person. But you used to have to go through vigorous training to be an astronaut. You had to be in peak physical condition, meaning if I told you to drop down and give me 20, you wouldn't just say, "I'll give you four and owe you 16." You had to practice collecting samples of moon rocks with a special collection shovel, not just jab at them with a fondue  fork. You had to try out a weightless environment performing operations in a water tank without bitching about how  you look in  a bathing suit. You had to practice existing in terrain that was completely devoid of all useful vegetation, conditions similar to my front lawn. Gayle King didn't even offer to  do a few jumping jacks, as far as I know.

    You used to come careening through the atmosphere, and there was a  point during which you lost communication with the Mission Control Center, and even if you wanted to say, "Houston, we have a problem," they wouldn't be able to hear you, and you'd have to tell them what the problem was later, if the problem wasn't that you burned up during re-entry. Then you'd splash down into the Indian Ocean somewhere, and they'd come looking for you in a boat. They'd scoop you up and put you into quarantine, in case you brought back space-cooties or something. It doesn't seem like Gayle King had to go through any of that stuff. Did she even go through Customs?

    But I've been harping on the minuses. Some have said the flight has changed their perspective. Looking from that distance, you can really see how DEI programs are harming  the Earth. The weightlessness is an amazing experience. Wow! I've been trying to lose 5 pounds for three months, and now I've lost all 189 of them! Plus, you're part of a small fraction of  people who have shared this experience. I would have found something important to say so that history could record the moment, something like, "That's one small  step for man, and yet I STILL almost fell down the damn ladder."

    Ever since you were a little kid, didn't you look up at the sky and ask yourself, what's really up there? Twinkle, twinkle, little star, how I wonder what you are? Well, a star, you just said. But who knows? Maybe someday we'll find intelligent life out there in the galaxy. If we look hard enough, maybe someday we'll find it here, too.