CORONAVIRUS, WE'LL MISS YOU

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (05-13-21)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic 

 

     If a few people can get just a little smarter than they seem to be at the moment, pretty soon this pandemic is going be a wistful memory, and we are going to be nostalgic about it, maybe even a little misty-eyed. Surely I jest, but jest a minute, now. There is no way to minimize the personal horrors of this plague, especially to those who have left behind loved ones, those who have lost loved ones and those who have caught the disease themselves. People who have lost their homes and livelihoods will be holding the door open for the coronavirus when it finally leaves.

 

     But there is no denying that there have been good things that have come out of a world in lock-down for well over a year. For instance, one estimate from a climate-monitoring group is that global emissions of greenhouse gases fell by 5.5 percent during the pandemic. The figure is much greater than it seems, caused by fewer people driving to workplaces that were shuttered, and of course fewer people going to greenhouses. Species of animals that haven't been seen for years are coming out of the woodwork during this unusual time. Hoping to reverse that trend in our own home, I'm thinking of installing more woodwork.

 

     I am one of six Melén children, and we have never in our history interacted all together as siblings as we have in the past year. Every two weeks we get together for a zoom meeting, where we recount the trials and tribulations of growing up in an underprivileged neighborhood in Chappaqua. We retell all the old stories, like the one about how I stole a Briggs and Stratton engine from the cement mixer of a local builder to put on my mini-bike. In all honesty, it's possible that the cement mixer went faster. Or the one about my sister's good fortune in breaking her leg on a makeshift ski slope at the high school, only to have the star quarterback whisk her off the slopes in his arms. During the call my sister Anne's cat crawls onto her shoulder and starts eating one of her ears. It's cute, but she only heard the left side of the mini-bike story.

 

     If you wanted to sell your Westchester home last year, you were in for a nice surprise, as real estate prices in the area skyrocketed. If you then went to buy a house in Florida, you were in for a rude awakening, as real estate prices in the area skyrocketed. A weird cocktail of covid calamities have been a godsend in some industries and made a ghost town of others. 

     What are the long-term effects of not being able to be yelled at in person by the boss? It loses its bite over Zoom with a bad internet connection. "Sorry Mr. Chidewell but I only heard every other word. Did you say my work was woefully horrendous or notably stupendous? And while I have you I need to submit a bill for my ink-jet cartridges. No, sir, I did not say 'pink pet partridges.'" Those days may be coming to an end.

     What are the long-term effects of cats on corporate Zoom meetings? "I got so used to having my cat around during our weekly Zooms that I'll be bringing him to our live meetings now. He's an emotional support cat," I share with the group. "Wow, so he helps you get through the day?" And I reply, "No, actually it's the other way around. If I don't emotionally support him, he wets my morning paper and puts a damper on the news. He's getting better- as you can see he has knocked everyone's pens off the table, and I think you'll all agree that when I use the laser pointer he will make our sluggish sales this quarter seem much more fun."

 

     The air is heavy with drama, fear and expectation, like a reality show with Kardashians in it, only with realer reality. Will people remember how to work a water cooler? The bar we used to go to around the corner after work is under new ownership- will they finally fix the toilet? Gone will be the days when you can go to the refrigerator during work hours, and the half a candy bar you put in there yesterday will still be there today because your wife won't eat anything bad for you. Which reminds me, I left some Chinese food in the fridge at work on March 12th 2020, I hope it's still good. We're embarking on a new "new normal" now, which means that I am going to have to embark on a new abnormal.