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ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (06-24-21)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     Well folks, we're almost to the finish line of this nasty little pandemic. We socially distanced, we wore our masks, we washed our hands while we sang "Happy Birthday" twice and we got our vaccinations, twice. And what's our reward? We're getting kicked out of our own homes. We're going to have to go back to work pretty soon, and I don't know if I'm physically, emotionally and spiritually ready for that yet.

     What is my dog going to do if I'm not around to take her for a walk every day down the street? The dog enjoys the exercise, and I enjoy watching others exercise from a safe distance where I can tell them that they're doing it wrong. What's going to happen when I try to explain to my boss that I just can't lose all that quality time with the children? It would be easier to explain if I had children. 

     Working from home, I can fit in a nap on the rare occasion that I need one, such as when I'm awake. I feel that my productivity will suffer if I can't turn on "Forensic Files" at any time of the day and sleep for 45 minutes on the couch. By the time I wake up, detectives have circled back to the husband, who made a Google search of, "How to Kill Your Wife Without 'Forensic Files' Ever Finding Out About It."

     It's going to cost me money to go back to work, since I've been saving money on commuting costs by not taking the train to my living room. I don't have to dry clean my sweatpants, you're lucky if I wet clean them, which reminds me, I guess I should do that. When I go out for lunch, are they expecting ME to pay for it, even though I'm only there because THEY told me I had to be? I'm going to need a job to pay for all this.

     When my office returns to work it will probably be in a hybrid capacity. That model gives you the best of both worlds. Let me use a hybrid dog as an example, a Cockadoodle for instance. Through the magic of crossbreeding, you get the annoying bark of the poodle, and the incessant shedding of the Cocker spaniel.

     It's impossible to find housing right now, but yet about 80 percent of office space is pretty much just sitting around doing the crossword puzzle. Why don't we just let people live in their offices? Hey, we put a couch in your office and set up that nice kitchenette in the employee lounge, with a fridge and a microwave, and we're paying all this rent, so.... And while you're there, maybe you could catch up on the accounts receivable? Pretty soon we'll be back to business as usual, working from home, only the home is right there in the office. The whole is so diabolical I might just pitch it to the conspiracy theory nuts.

     I'll be returning to different office, because a new client is taking over our old suite. I got a look at our new digs, and they still had everyone's stuff strewn about when they started working from home, as if they left in a panic when the police found out what they were doing there. It was creepy, almost like Pompeii had offices in Manhattan. 

     We visited Pompeii once and it was really interesting, but people were actually frozen in time with an ashen look on their face. Whenever I'm staying near a volcano, I stand around a lot with my arm outstretched and my other hand on my chest like I'm giving an oration, just in case I'm frozen in time. I don't want to be caught clipping my toenails with the Hallmark Channel on.

     I can see why employers are having such a hard time finding people to work. It's more comfortable to be at home on the couch with your onesie on. But as tough as it's going to be on me, I can imagine what it's going to be like for airline pilots and highway pavers not to be able to work from home anymore. But the upside is that it means we are getting back to normal, and that's good. In fact, Governor Cuomo has just announced that because New Yorkers have been so vigilant in containing the coronavirus, my brain can now operate at its full 25 percent capacity.