MR. MANNERS

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (05-16-24)

 

     I was discussing rules of etiquette with reader Maria a little while ago, and I asked her why would you say "bless you" after a sneeze, when a cough seems much more serious? I discourage people from blessing me when I sneeze, and they ask "why?" After the 47th sneeze when there is finally a lull, they say, "Oh, okay."

     The human concept of manners demonstrates our dedication to civilization and separates us from the rest of the living beings on the Earth, who by the way are a bunch of animals. I thought my cat was different, because he waits near the door as I'm walkingto the bedroom, as if to say, "You first, sir, since I see that you are balancing a sandwich, a crossword puzzle and a glass of apple juice." I nod thank you, but the minute my foot crosses the threshold he darts in front of me and I almost trip over him, dropping the sandwich and spilling most of the apple juice. Even though the crossword puzzle is wet, at least now I know a four-letter word meaning "cat."

     I saw a picture of Trump walking in the rain with his wife Melania, holding an umbrella over only himself, and I thought, WOW, this guy is the perfect role-model! If there's only one umbrella, why should I hold half of it over someone else's head, ensuring that both of us will be half soggy? If we're both right-handed one of us will be doing almost everything we do, wet.

     There are a lot of new rules about how you address people. You used to start a letter with "Dear Sir," but then women learned  the complicated secrets of how to open a letter, so we thought "Dear Sir or Madam" might be better, but there turned out folks falling through the cracks, so we said "To Whom it May Concern," but when we found out it may not concern anybody, we went back to sirs and madams but people who identified with other genders or inanimate objects complained, so now I just open my correspondence with "HEY YOU," which seems both inclusive and nice.

     How did all this even start? There some rules of etiquette that are based on common sense. "Save the women and children first" is based on the idea that, if all the boats in the world capsized at the same time, you'll need women to bear children and carry on the human race. "YAY! We are saved! And there are no more men around to bully us about our use of hummus and unattractive sneakers! The first thing I'm going to do is binge-watch 'The Good Witch.' Then I'm going to purge-watch it!" "SO fun! And we can have children whenever WE want to have them! And carry on the human race! All we need is some... Hmmm. I'm not sure we thought this entirely through. But let's see that remote control!!"

     Other rules I would guess are based on human nature. Why is it always "ladies first?" Well, I don't know much about the history of etiquette but I know a whole lot about dudes. Somewhere around the middle ages, a typical middle-aged guy was probably out with his girlfriend and he wanted to keep an eye on her. If you knew her you would agree. The rear-view mirror hadn't been invented yet, so the only way to get the same view was to have her walk in front. 

     Some were based on personal safety. I've read that the custom of clinking glasses during a toast originated with the practice of pouring a little wine into each others' glasses, to prove that it was not poisoned. The bar for drinking buddies was much lower back then.

     Some rules are clearly outdated, such as the direction in an 1883 etiquette book that a man should be expected to choose the woman's horse. I would not want the pressure of having to gauge both the woman's and the horse's personality. The chances of offending both run fairly high, leading to a disparaging phrase regarding me and also the horse I rode in on.

     Etiquette is more confusing now than it ever was, that's for sure. I already covered gender pronouns and their (they/them) use. I understand that I shouldn't wear white after Labor Day, even though I don't understand why. But on what date does after one Labor Day become before the next Labor Day? And what about civil disobedience? Is that good manners or not? An example of civil disobedience might be: "I only wanted to burn down the courthouse, but the fire spread because I was holding the door open for the ladies." 

     I don't know all the rules but I do try to be nice to people, on the off-chance that they might be nice back. It's not good manners to get into an argument with me about manners. "Rick, you shouldn't chew with your mouth open, especially if it is full of lies." "Excuse me, but did I not hold the door for you?" "Yes you did, and it was a revolving door and I banged my knee pretty good."