THE YEAR IN REVIEW- 2024 PART I

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (01-16-25)

    On its surface, 2024 just seems like another year that maybe we'd all like to forget. But if you dig just below the surface, you'll find that it was so much less than that. The following is proof that, should you chance upon a surface, do not dig just below it. All these stories are as true as anything else you might find on the internet, and I've gone to great lengths (6-foot, 2 inches to be exact) to ensure their veracity.

TRACTOR-TRAILER HAULING 15 MILLION BEES CRASHES
An 18-wheeler transporting a large quantity of honeybees to pollinate a blueberry field overturned in an accident in Clinton, Maine. “The bees were mostly contained, and the goal was to save them,” a state trooper said (possibly during a sting operation). Unfortunately for the state trooper, no one bothered to ask the bees if they WANTED to be saved.

PREGNANT STINGRAY MAY HAVE BEEN IMPREGNATED BY SHARK
A science mystery at a North Carolina aquarium resulted in a stingray becoming pregnant, possibly in a rare case of mixed breeding. OR, it is exactly the type of lame excuse that explains why divorce rates are so high among stingrays. "Honey, you are NEVER going to guess what happened today! A shark overpowered me, took me to dinner, forced me to dance the night away and impregnated me, without me knowing it of course, and then bit me, deliciously hard!" "Are you trying to tell me that our new child is part VACUUM CLEANER?"

$568 MILLION OF COCAINE FOUND HIDDEN IN BANANAS
I first have to first confess that I hate bananas. I hate their smell, I hate their shape, I hate their mealy little consistency, I hate their taste and I hate the fact that if you leave them on your desk for 20 MINUTES, they turn black, the rotten little mongrels. "But they are a great source of potassium!" You cheerfully aver. Well, so are atom bombs, but you don't see me going around eating atom bombs, do you? I don't actually know if atom bombs contain potassium or not, but if they don't, then I have exploded another myth. Anyway, that's why when I read that a record-breaking haul of cocaine was hidden in boxes of bananas headed from South America to Hamburg, Germany, I wondered to myself, who was the only one who would listen, what kind of EVIL, INSIDIOUS, MORALLY REPREHENSIBLE drug cartel would flood the market with that many bananas?
 
SPACEX SUCCESSFULLY LAUNCHES STARSHIP THEN LOSES IT
This year the Elon Musk-owned company SpaceX (I wonder if SpaceX was formerly known as SpaceTwitter?) launched the world's tallest and most powerful rocket. The starship, imaginatively named "Starship," lost communication with the company during its re-entry, although it might be that it simply had nothing to say. Elon Musk, who wants to use this technology to build a colony on Mars, could not be reached for comment, possibly because he lost communication during his re-entry to Earth. But it's the type of thing that happens to me all the time. "Honey, you're never going to believe it but I've lost a megarocket. Could you do me a favor and help me look for it?" "Where did you last leave it?" "Well, if I knew that, I would know where it WAS, wouldn't I?" "Listen, I'm only trying to help. Did you look in the stratosphere?" "Of COURSE I looked in the stratosphere, that's the first place I looked." "Did you look in the Twittershphere, ha, ha, ha." "Very funny. WAIT-LOOK! Here it is!" "You found your megarocket?" "No that's still missing, but look, I found my car keys! I've been looking for them too!"

A HUMANOID ROBOT INAPPROPRIATELY TOUCHES A REPORTER
At its unveiling during a tech convention, a Saudi Arabian-made robot named "Mohammed" was interviewed by a female reporter, lifted her blazer and briefly touched her rear. This set off a social media comment-storm, with some accusing the humanoid of being a pervert and a creep. It's possible that the back-end development of the programming was not sophisticated enough, although it's also possible that it was TOO sophisticated. The robot countered by admitting it had been cooped up in a warehouse with only female robots, and you know how they can be, then made some robotic gestures with his hands and laughed it off as locker-room behavior. Currently the robot is running for Matt Gaetz's seat in congress.

MAMA BEAR, CUB RAID KRISPY KREME DELIVERY VAN IN ALASKA
A female black bear and her cub broke into a delivery van in Anchorage, Alaska and snarfed down 26 boxes of the sugary confections. Only the bravery of the truck driver and the fact that they ran out of coffee prevented the losses from being much worse. In an interview, the bear maintained, "We heard there were bear claws, so we came to get them back." Experts advise that if you do see a bear, do not scream or make sudden actions, make plenty of noise (yell, bang pans, etc.), make yourself appear as large as possible and travel in groups. This is the same advice experts give for people planning to ransack donut shipments.

SNAKE SLITHERING ON NYC SIDEWALK CAPTURED IN BUCKET
A five foot-long boa constrictor was captured in a bucket by a businesswoman on 47th Street near the Rockefeller Center subway station. It's unclear whether the woman who caught the snake in the bucket worked in the fast food industry, but boa constrictor is said to taste like chicken. The snake sarcastically offered to give the woman who rescued it "a big hug," which she reportedly declined. It's also unclear where the snake came from, but if it came from less than five feet away, it may not have been going anywhere at all.

Well, that's a lot to digest. If you DO manage to get it all down, I would wait at least 30 minutes before engaging in any strenuous activity or boarding a Ferris wheel. I'll be back next time for Part II of the Year in Review, so you might want to make alternate plans now.