LOVE IS IN THE AIR

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (02-29-26)

    What did you do for Valentine's Day? I hope you took your honey to a romantic spot and wooed her a little bit. Just a little, you don't want to overwoo. A nice restaurant, some flowers, chocolate. That's what I did and it worked like a charm. She fell in love with me all over again. What made her fall in love with me in the first place? That's not an easy one to answer. You know how sometimes a pathetic creature is even more loveable due to his patheticness? And you just want to take it home and put it in a shoebox, punch some holes in it (the shoebox not the creature) with some lettuce leaves, and nurse it back to health? And all the weird things about it you only find more endearing over time? And then your Mom makes you release it back into the wild, where it probably perished due to its lack of natural survival skills? I have to sit for a moment.

     Anyway, Valentine's Day is a chance to rekindle those feelings. Start with the right restaurant. I suggest one that doesn't use a lot of garlic in food preparation. A good atmosphere is key. Mostly nitrogen, some oxygen, a little argon, all that is good. If there is more garlic than romance in the air, enough to repel vampires, for instance, it's counter-productive. You also don't want to take her to a place that's known for Waffle House-type fist fights. An eatery festooned with crime-scene tape may seem lively the time, but use your best judgment. 

     I got my lady love chocolates. "Wow," she said, "a Kit Kat bar 32-pack. You shouldn't have." "Well," I clarify, "they are 'Fun Size.'" "I guess we'll see, won't we," she added cryptically. Chocolate as a Valentine's gift says to a woman, "I love you no matter what size you become," so make sure you will.

     Lighting is important. There used to be something called "dining by candlelight," which has been replaced with, "dining by flickering LEDs made to look like candlelight, but falling far short." Fire marshals are not known for their contributions to ambience. Low lighting is flattering to the female form and conducive to good digestion. If you can see anything you're eating without turning on your cell phone, the lighting is too bright. 

     Music is the lubricant of love, although there are several products available that work even better. If you know the fox trot, that's great, but make sure you practice it in front of the mirror first. Any other animal trotting is borderline-disturbing. A waltz should be in 3/4 time. If you try to waltz to something in 7/4 meter and you break your ankle in two places, don't come crying to me. Hustle dancing on the first date after more than two drinks is not a good idea, because eventually you'll knock a full tray off a waitress's arm. The mood is now set. "Would you like to dance?" I ask. "Of course," she replies. "Great!" I gush. "Go ahead, and I'll stay here and order coffee. It'll be here by the time the song ends." If you're choosing the music yourself, try not to be too obvious about your eventual end game. "Chick-a-boom," by Daddy Dewdrop, is a negative example. Suggesting a tap-dance number should be avoided.

     Should you order for the lady? Very chivalrous, and gives you a chance to minimize the financial exposure without her knowing a thing about it. Choose the wine carefully, based on the entree, the mood and if it has a French-sounding name.

     Ask the waiter to take a snapshot of the two of you to post the special day on social media. Careful: if you smile too much, you'll appear too eager, and if you don't smile enough, you'll appear as though ordering the clams was a mistake. Remember to hand the waiter YOUR phone and not hers, otherwise she's going to post the picture that SHE looks good in, regardless of what a mess you look like.

     You decide to go in for the kiss. Do you know what you're doing? Let's go over it. First, if the lighting is low, locate the exact position of the lips, which may have shifted in transit. She might be looking through her purse for pepper spray, so wait till she's done. Does she wear braces? Good to know. If French kissing, watch out for les dents. Both your and her eyes should be closed. If you open yours to see if hers are open, and they are, you will both bust out laughing and ruin the moment, which will cost you another bottle of wine.

     Let's say the evening is going well. REALLY well. She suggests a massage. Fine, I say, but I'm ticklish everywhere on my body except for three places. I meant on ME, she clarifies. Of course, duh. And use plenty of oil, she instructs. I don't have any massage oil, but I do have a full can of WD-40, and she doesn't seem to know the difference. I hit the doorknob with it while she isn't looking, and that works great now, too.

     So if things didn't go that great this year, make sure to refer to this column next February 14th and let Love conquer All!

UNDERSTANDING THE HUMAN BODY

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (02-05-26)

    The human body is either the most amazing miracle in the natural world, or the most ill-designed piece of machinery since the electric hairbrush, which my Dad bought for my sisters back in the 70s and it pulled most of their hair out on the very first try. Is there anyone you know who doesn't have a bad back? It should come with an extended warranty. A bad back is a great reason to at least make sure your front is in good working order. 

     And let's discuss cartilage, because there seems to be not one ounce of this important tissue left anywhere in my body. Where did it all go? I have no idea, but it's like running out of mayonnaise at a barbecue, only not quite as serious. 

I went to the orthopedist to ask him about the pain in my wrist, which has such a wide arthritic chasm that when we looked at the X-ray he likened it to the Colorado River carving out the Grand Canyon. He said there was nothing much he could do about it. I said, I know, it's been there for thousands of years. But what about my wrist? It doesn't even seem like such a complicated joint- what does a wrist need to actually do? Wave once in a while? Its basic function is to keep your hand from riding up your coat sleeve.

     And now I had my hip replaced a couple weeks ago. I couldn't walk a quarter mile without complaint. The complaints were mostly about me from other people, but that didn't make my hip hurt any less. At first it was just a dull throb now and then. Soon, the throb was back but the "then" was gone. So I Googled "dull pain," and gradually narrowed my search by asking myself some questions. Where exactly does it hurt? Mostly in my car. On a scale of 1 to 10, how bad is it? Well, when it's a 9, it feels like more than 3 times the times when it's a 3, if that makes sense. Is the pain tingling, stinging or lingering? All three: It's stlingering. Does the pain happen at certain times of day? Yes, but at least when we turns the clocks ahead it doesn't hurt for that hour.

     Then there was a frank discussion in the orthopedic surgeon's office. He walks me through the procedure, but slowly, because my hip hurts. Afterwards I had questions. "Doctor, what will you be replacing the hip WITH?" "Another hip, even though that seems like the very definition of insanity." "When will I be able to play competitive tennis again?" "Well, from what I hear, no match you've ever played has been competitive." "What about a triathlon?" "You can run one leg of it." "How much will the procedure cost?" "It will probably cost an arm and a leg, and in this case we will actually be holding the collateral. Just kidding." "Doctor, why do I not care at all about 'Stranger Things?'" "Hmmm. That sounds serious and you might need to go out of network for that."

     It seems like even other animals are better appointed than humans are. Take the sea cucumber, if you will, and if you did I'd be very surprised. The sea cucumber can change at will into liquid form and pour itself into a crevice to escape predators. Imagine if you could do the same thing during an IRS audit, and when the conversation rolls around your charitable contributions, you simply change yourself into liquid form and splash yourself into a martini until the whole thing blows over, and enjoy yourself over lunch.

     A cow has essentially four stomachs. If humans were built the same way I could reserve one stomach just for my sister's meatloaf. The arctic hare can change color between seasons to blend in with its surroundings. Wouldn't it be fun to blend into your surroundings so you could listen in to what people say about you behind your back, only to find out that your name hasn't come up once? Did you know that an earthworm has five hearts? It explains why they lead such complicated romantic lives. An octopus has eight pusses, so there's that.

     My dog breeder, through careful selection, has effectively "bred out" the incidence of hip dysplasia in her dogs. Why can't this be done in humans? Let's compile a database of potential mates that never had osteoarthritis, and date exclusively from that pool. In a couple generations, your family will be swimming in cartilage. You'll be selling it back to the grid! If my idea works, we can expand the principle, and over time we can effectively eradicate multiple personalities, the lack of personality, and people who say "Oh, snap." I believe that one day we will be able to eat Tide Pods if we want, although please, not with red wine.

     And now I'm resting comfortably at home following my surgery, which translated, means I couldn't be less comfortable. I've been walking a million laps around my basement for the last week using a walker. And If I have a perfectly good walker, why do I have to do the walking?