THE SKY IS FALLING

SPECIAL TO THE SOMERS RECORD (02-04-16)

     Last Saturday New York City was hit by an epic, apocalyptic, 100-year blizzard the likes of which we have never seen and are unlikely ever to see again, possibly resulting in the doom and destruction of an entire way of life. In other words, it snowed. Every time it snows these days, the Mayor of New York assembles his top advisers for a press conference, and local news breaks in with a special report at the most inopportune time: during "Judge Judy."

     He had every member of his cabinet there with him, including the people in the cabinet that you hardly ever use, the human equivalent of bay leaves. The Mayor wouldn't say the phrase, "We're totally screwed," but you could read it in his face.

This time they went so far as to issue a travel ban, meaning no one was allowed to come into New York or travel around, except for illegal immigrants, of course. He made it clear that he would personally tase your car if he saw you out driving in the snow.

     De Blasio said we should stock up early on milk, bread, eggs, etc., to avoid having to go out during the storm. We bought 15 gallons of milk. How many people die of lactose intolerance during a blizzard? I convinced my wife that Twix bars have the same ingredients as military MREs, so I got her to buy a 30-day supply of those too.

     Don't forget to buy batteries- if you forget what size to buy, just remember that they are roughly the same as bra sizes. You have your "D" batteries that fit into those huge emergency lamps, and "AA" cells that you use for your small pocket radio. Don't feel embarrassed if you have to pick up some "AAA" batteries- more than a flashlight-full is wasted, I always say.

     I thought I remember that you're supposed to fill up your bathtub, I forget why. Is that what all the milk is for? Buy plenty of baby supplies to ride out the storm. I am able to persuade my wife that babies can eat Twix bars, so we pick up some more of those even though we don't have a baby.

     If you are hard of hearing, you probably didn't hear that it was going to snow. In that case the Mayor had a sign language interpreter there. I don't know if he had too many espressos or what, but he looked like he got most of his moves from a Weird Al Yankovic video. Now, I'm not an expert, but I know some sign language from years of cutting off other drivers at intersections. I've seen just about everything a person can do with two hands, and I believe that de Blasio's hearing interpreter signed, "It's going to be total crap outside so just stay in." Then he proceeded to do an entire Marcel Marceau set where he was trapped in a box, started a lawnmower and cradled a baby, with de Blasio yakking away about alternate side of the street parking. When he started the crying clown routine de Blasio glanced over and the interpreter had to cheese it for a little while.

     I begin to drift off myself as soon as the Mayor starts to repeat the entire press conference in "gringo-Spanish." I start fast forwarding ahead to a week after the storm has passed, and everyone from Queens is shouting angry epithets at the Mayor for not plowing their street. It's their own fault, of course, for living on a "tertiary road." I start imagining de Blasio holding a press conference right before Mount Vesuvius erupts and covers Pompeii. "All businesses MUST shovel their sidewalks after the disaster. I repeat: Get your ash out of there!" As a half hour drags on to forty-five minutes, I'm rooting for local news to break in with a special report that's even more special: "We interrupt this breaking story with an even more important bulletin: Judge Judy is about to render a verdict in the dog bite case...."

HAVE A NICE DAY OF SERVICE

SPECIAL TO THE SOMERS RECORD (01-28-16)

     Last Saturday my wife signed us up for the Martin Luther King Day of Service with the Volunteer New York! organization. Back in 1994 President Clinton signed legislation providing for a day when people could give back to the community by teaming up with charitable groups. I'm hoping to give so much back to the community that the community is going to owe me BIG TIME. I will remind them when it comes time to rake my leaves.

     Born Michael King, Martin Luther's father chose to change his own and his son's name following a trip to Germany and learning of the Protestant priest. Before becoming a great orator Martin Luther King, Jr. sang in his church choir at the premier of Gone With the Wind in Atlanta at the age of 10. I'm not sure what they sang, but I would have recommended a couple of things we were working on in Sunday school, such as "The Itsy Bitsy Spider," although for years after that I was scared to go near a water spout. "Here We Go Round the Mulberry Bush" is another tune we performed pretty well, but it's kind of an audience participation song, and everything in it takes place so early in the morning.

     Anyway, our assignment with Volunteer New York! was to visit with some of the seniors over at Somers Manor. It was time for bingo in the rec room, and I immediately plopped down at a table with Victoria, Joan, Georgina and Kate, because I heard they were the big winners on bingo days. The game commenced, and I imagined that the conversation would go something like this:

Rick: So Victoria, did you have a career when you were younger?
Victoria: I was a dietitian's aide at the hospital, but back then there were no dietitians.
Bingo Caller: B-4!
Victoria: Before that I was in high school.
Rick: What about you, Kate?
Bingo Caller: I-64!
Kate: You're 64? You don't look bad for 65. I would have said you were 66.
Rick: I'm 57.
Joan: I-57?
Kate: Oh.
Joan: O-57?
Rick: What about you Joan, where did you work?
Joan: I worked in the County Clerk's office with that lady over there, what's her name again?
Bingo Caller: G-9!
Joan: Oh yeah, Janine.
Bingo Caller: I-2!
Joan: You too? I don't remember you there, but it was a while ago.
Georgina: U-2? There's no "U" in "bingo!"
Bingo Caller: I-1!
Georgina: You won! Congratulations! Dinner's on Rick!

     But in reality the gals were quite with it, and I was the only one without it, my hearing pretty well shot from years of playing rock and roll music. We chatted about where they lived and what they did, and a little about their kids. Our table had five winning bingo cards, each awarded a prize of candy. Not enough to ruin your dinner, which may or may not be a good thing, depending on whom you ask.

     It was a pleasant afternoon, certainly more so for me than for them, and it made me think about a few things, something I could use more practice in. I know that sometimes our society tends to ignore or marginalize older people, but really, what is "older?" There is always somebody older than you are, and somebody younger. We focus so much of our attention on the first few decades of life, but the younger you are, the less you can teach anyone about history or experience.

     When I get a little older, I want to look back and say, "Ha! I forgot more about life than you'll know in a lifetime!" But I know that when the time comes, I will forget to say that.

HOW IS YOUR NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION GOING?

SPECIAL TO THE SOMERS RECORD (01-21-16)

     New Year's Day has come and gone. It was a chance to reflect on the latest year of your life, think back, and ask yourself, "Why on Earth did I drink shots of Goldschläger last night?" By the way, Goldschläger contains actual flakes of gold, so if your New Year's resolution is to drink less Goldschläger your chances of getting mugged on the street for your liver will theoretically decrease.

     In fact, many people make "drinking less alcohol" their New Year's resolution, and for very good reason: because they drank so much in the past year that they didn't remember that "drinking less alcohol" was their resolution LAST New Year's. The tragic irony of it all is that when people give up drinking they tend to fill the empty spaces with activities that one should only attempt while drunk, such as ballroom dancing, taking self-help courses or learning to use a "Bedazzler."

     The tradition of making promises at the beginning of the year may have started with the Babylonians around 4,000 years ago. Historians have found evidence that they made oaths with the gods in order to put themselves in good stead. They promised to right wrongs, improve their character and to stop lending money to the Phoenicians. Also to stop talking so much- the place didn't get the name "Babylon" for nothing.

     The Babylonians would have done well to make a pact to give up smoking. Back then, tobacco was not at all common, so if you were smoking you were probably very close to bursting into flames. People attempting to quit smoking try everything- nicotine patches, hypnosis, 12-step programs. According to the American Cancer Society, as soon as two weeks after stopping smoking your circulation will improve, so I am hoping that this paper quit smoking on New Year's Day.

     There are all kinds of resolutions out there available for use. Criminals may resolve to give up giving up. Television manufacturers may make a resolution to provide more resolution. But the promise many people make to themselves and to others is to get into shape. I belong to a very nice tennis club in Mt. Kisco, and every year around this time I notice an influx of new people in the gym trying to get into shape. The shape they start in is roughly triangular.

     I know who they are because they come in wearing brand new work-out clothes, full make-up, carrying a clipboard, and worst of all, smiling. Anyone caught smiling at a gym casts the cold glare of suspicion upon themselves, and should be hit over the head with a clipboard. But they are in it for the long haul, approximately two weeks, during which time their shape will have progressed from an isosceles triangle to an obtuse triangle. The resolution to work out just didn't work out.
     This New Year's I promised myself to watch fewer television shows about dead people. Pretty much every program I watch directly involves someone who was alive at one time but isn't anymore, possibly as a result of someone else's New Year's resolution.

     Already that resolution is broken. It turns out that dead people are irresistible! And they rarely disappoint you. Dead people on reality shows never knock themselves over trying to cry so that they can improve their ratings, which is a quality I value very much. Since I can't give them up I am changing my resolution, and instead, I hereby resolve to drink less Goldschläger, and drink more Jägermeister. During Lent I may switch back.

 

THE YEAR IN REVIEW, PART II

SPECIAL TO THE SOMERS RECORD (01-14-16)

     In this column we will continue to explore the major news stories that defined 2015. We are digging a little deeper than the usual media outlets do, and the results will either speak for themselves, or we will hit a water pipe and get sued.

     1. JUPITER ALIGNS WITH VENUS
In July, the two brightest planets in the solar system appeared to the eye to be on the same plane in the sky. If Jupiter had aligned with Mars, peace would have guided the planets, and love would have steered the stars. Instead, we have Donald Trump, which is usually a sign that Jupiter has aligned with Uranus.

     2. CANADIAN SMUGGLER WITH TURTLES IN PANTS PLEADS GUILTY
He was apparently bringing them to China, where they could be sold for a much greater price, after ordering them online. I'm not sure what he ordered them to do when he was online, but turtles rarely do anything they are told. I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that when the customs agent approached him and asked, "Is that a turtle in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?" his answer was a lie.

     3. CATS REACT TO CAT MUSIC AT A CAT CAFE IN NEW YORK CITY
It's weird enough that cats have their own cafe. I like to believe that we live in an integrated society, where if I want to drink out of a cat bowl, no one should question it unless I slurp it all over the floor. Anyway, a lecturer at the University of Maryland with too much time on his hands created music that he thought would be appealing to cats. When it was played in this cat cafe, some cats, and some humans, started to attempt to lick themselves, which many interpreted as enjoyment. The one thing cats and humans have in common is that they both think that "death metal" music sounds like a bunch of cats getting busy.

     4. LINDSAY LOHAN BOTCHES ARABIC PHRASE CALLS PEOPLE AN ASS
This year Lindsey Lohan, in a misguided frenzy of good will, decided to tweet out a message in Arabic that she thought meant, "You're beautiful," but actually translated to read, "You're a donkey." It should be pointed out that not one donkey complained about the tweet and thought it was nice of her to think of them. However, it does remind one to check thoroughly into the translation of your Chinese tattoo before leaving it up to the artist, so that you don't wear something on your arm that says in Mandarin: "I have a turtle in my underpants."

     5. TEEN FALLS OFF SCENIC CLIFF, GETS BITTEN BY SNAKE AND SURVIVES
Not only did this British boy tumble off a seaside precipice and get bitten by an adder, but the tide came in and he would have been swept out to sea had he and his brother not acted quickly. After he was rescued everyone told him how lucky he was, but to me, lucky would have been when he looked over the ledge and said, "Holy crap there's a poisonous-looking snake down there- let's get the hell out of here!"

     6. WOMAN BEATS DWI CHARGE BECAUSE HER BODY IS A ‘BREWERY’
A woman was stopped by police in New York after driving eratically, and subsequently blew a .33 BAC into a Breathalyzer. She was acquitted of DWI because of a condition known as "Auto-Brewery Syndrome," which causes the body to produce alcohol. I wanted to find out if this was really true, so I tapped her on the shoulder, and it was true. Incidentally, she sometimes double-dates with a gal who's body is a "pizza parlor."

     7. TRUCK CARRYING BEES OVERTURNS
In May, a tractor-trailer carrying an estimated 16 to 20 million honeybees overturned in Delaware, releasing them all in a huge swarm. They went on a rampage and among other things, cross-pollinated a Mazda with a Nissan and a Cadillac, resulting in a Maniac. They sprayed water on the bees, which made them wet. The rest they apprehended in a sting operation.

     So those are the important stories that you need to know, but dumb things have already started happening in 2016. If you hear of any, please let me know.
 

THE YEAR IN REVIEW, PART I

SPECIAL TO THE SOMERS RECORD (01-07-16)

Every year around this time, the media always rolls out a list of "those we lost" this year. What better way to ring in the New Year than a big, fat buzz-kill? "This year, as in most others, we lost beloved actor Abe Vigoda, whose storied career lasted many years after his death." Well I'm not going to tell who died in 2015, at least until their next-of-kin have been notified. So it will have to be a surprise.

Instead, I'm going to concentrate on the "hard news" stories, culled from the front pages of my internet browser. "Hard news" to me means items that are "hard" to believe that somebody thought they were "news." So many dumb things  happened in 2015 that I'm going to do this in two parts, and I urge you to look these stories up on the internet if you don't trust me.

1. BREAST FEEDING MAY INCREASE A BABY'S INTELLIGENCE
This story is fascinating not because it might be true, but because I wonder how anyone would find out if it's true. The field of baby testing is still in its infancy. And by the way, babies aren't all that bright to begin with, no offense, so I think it might also be proven that waiting around 10 or 15 minutes will also increase a baby's intelligence.

2. BO BERGDAHL CHARGED WITH MISBEHAVIOR BEFORE THE ENEMY
The charges surrounding Sgt. Bo Bergdahl represent a serious situation, so I won't comment on that. My issue is with the formal charge of "misbehavior before the enemy," which kind of sounds like he didn't clean his room. But if you're going to not clean your room, better to do it before the enemy does it and steals all your thunder.

3. LADY POLE DANCES WITH BABY ON HER BACK
I have no idea what this lady does for a living, but "Take Your Daughter to Work Day" should only be taken so far. Incidentally I also found this story under: "Baby Pole Dances With Woman on her Front."

4. FACE OF JESUS APPEARS ON A LANDSLIDE
Many people thought that Jesus was seen as an apparition in a Colombian landslide last year. They assumed it was Jesus, but when I saw it I thought it looked more like Matthew Mcconaughey, which is also a miracle, since he is hard to get a hold of these days. If it was, it proves once again that Jesus wins in a landslide.

5. LEANN RIMES SETS OFF FIRE ALARM
Last year LeAnn Rimes triggered a fire alarm by using spray-on shampoo on an airplane. First of all, I would think that there are easier ways to shampoo an airplane, and second, I wouldn't go on any aircraft that thinks LeAnn Rimes is so hot that she could spontaneously combust. And now, thanks to LeAnn Rimes, you can't get on a plane with fireworks, gunpowder or LeAnn Rimes.

6. SWORDFISH KILLS MAN TRYING TO CATCH IT
Before I read this story I assumed that the swordfish had shot the fisherman in self-defense, and certainly would be justified in doing so. But it turns out that the feisty fish was simply sticking its nose where it didn't belong.

I'll be back next week with some more of the kind of in-depth reporting you have come to expect.

MANY HAPPY RETURNS

SPECIAL TO THE SOMERS RECORD (12-31-15)

     My birthday is on Christmas Day, and sometimes people ask me, "Don't you get ripped off on the presents?" And I say "YES!" And if I ever meet up with Rickey Henderson, Jimmy Buffet or Yazmin Fiallos, I'm going to ask them if they went through the same thing on their Christmas birthdays. By the way, Yazmin Fiallos was the winner of Miss Universe in 1996, from Honduras, so I'm probably going to have some other questions for her. Like I might ask, "Did you ever see anyone from any of the other planets in the Miss Universe competition? And if you did, and they had, say, three legs, wouldn't it be an unfair advantage in the swimsuit competition?" I would also ask her why her country is called "Honduras," when there seems to be only one of them.

     It all started with Jesus, many, many years ago, back in the manger. Joseph and Mary were just finishing with the Christmas decorations when who should drop by, but three wise men? They had heard about the baby and all, and wanted to visit, and thoughtfully brought gifts. Frankincense, myrrh and gold, you can't go wrong there. Frankincense and myrrh were types of aromatic oils, highly treasured at the time, especially in a manger, when Febreze had not been invented yet. The gold speaks for itself, of course. What I'm saying is that they only brought ONE gift each, for Christmas AND birthday. They probably hemmed and hawed, and said we'll make it up next year, etc., blah blah blah.

     Some gifts you only see advertised at Christmas time, leading me to believe that by mid-January they might have outlived their useful life, and the word "useful" may be misused here. For instance, anyone who receives The Clapper as a Christmas gift will soon realize how often a spontaneous ovation can break out and throw an entire household into darkness. Ingeniously, I have come up with a simple solution: If I ever get a Clapper as a present, I plan to purchase a second unit, and plug it into a different light after the first light is Clapped out. That way, when I clap by mistake, the second light will come on at the same time the first one turns off. Just to be on the safe side, I plan to stop doing anything particularly well, so that there will be no applause to complicate things.

     The Chia Pet is another thing I often see on television around this time. It's a little planter in the mold of an animal or other shape that holds the seeds of the chia herb, and when watered, grows into the shape of hair. They once sold, and I kid you not, a Chia Obama Pet. After a week or so it looked like Obama had showed up on St. Patrick's day with green hair, drunk and ready to rain down an executive order on your face. After another two weeks the plants got long and wilty, and it took on the unpresidential appearance of a small musk ox.

     If they ever decide to market a Chia Trump, it will certainly prove a challenge to modern botanical engineering to make the chia plants point in the unnatural directions it would take to emulate Trump's hair. It may require two separate suns.

     I asked Donald Trump about a possible Chia Pet in his likeness, and he said, "Are you kidding? I'm terrific with the Chia Pets. I have an unbelievable record with the Chia Pets. They love me, because they know I'm going to take care of them. You think Ted Cruz knows what to do with the Chia Pets? And there's nothing worse than a Chia Bush, I don't think I have to tell YOU that." Then as he walked away he made some unflattering remarks about me, which I have to admit were true.

DO YOU HEAR WHAT I HEAR

SPECIAL TO THE SOMERS RECORD (12-24-15)

     Last Sunday I donned my gayest apparel and went over to the Somers Library for a holiday concert and sing-along. The Joey D. Jazz Ensemble was in fine form, offering an eclectic mix of modern and classic seasonal songs. From what I understood, the combo consists of former music teachers from the Somers school system, their children, and possibly other family members who did not behave.

      My advice to all children is to do everything your music teacher tells you. They hold much more power than your guidance counselor, the police, your parents and any other teacher, with the exception of your science teacher, who has the ability to possibly blow you up using a Bunsen burner.

     Your music teacher has the potential to make you look REALLY bad whenever he or she wants to. You can trust me on this; I cut music class a few times in middle school and the next year I was wearing a Sousaphone. If you don't know what a Sousaphone is, it's big, white, wraps around you like a Burmese python, and looks like something you should be able to distill 150-proof liquor with.

     Anyway, Sunday's little get-together was sponsored by the Friends of the Library, which runs many nice community events. I am a friend of the library myself, and does the library ever call me just to say Hi? That phone call is long overdue, if you'll pardon the expression.

     Any sing-along that I sing along to involves me crooning in questionable harmony until I stumble across a note that's too high for me, and then I switch to a different questionable harmony. But I make up for it with an overabundance of zeal, so that it sounds like a cat that got stuck in a bathtub while singing questionable harmonies. I think you might describe my voice as flattering. For instance, if a song is in A-flat, I can make the A much flatter.

     The library passed out lyric sheets, which was very helpful. They went to all that trouble, printed all the words on each page, center-justified, noted where each verse and chorus, xeroxed all the copies. And what did they deck the halls with? "Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la. And what did the Herald Angels sing? "Hark." The Little Drummer Boy? "Pa-rum-pa-pum-pum." I think we can do better as a society.

     I often see choirs where the singers are instructed to smile incessantly as they are singing, which I find vaguely creepy. They are singing their hearts out, beaming like they just won the lottery, and meanwhile the Little Lord Jesus is laying there in a manger, no crib for a bed. Sheep and cows and hay all over the place, it's a hell-hole, frankly. Can you catch mange from a manger? All I'm saying is, have a little decorum.

     What we did learn is that you can superimpose the melody and lyrics to Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree over just about every song. Try it to Jingle Bell Rock, Holly Jolly Christmas or Frosty the Snowman. By the way it doesn't work for Adele songs, I already tried.

     ps: Write me and tell me about the weirdest, best or worst Christmas or Hanukkah gift you ever received. I'll put it in next week's column and I promise not to embarrass anybody any worse than you probably already have.