OLYMPIC WRAP-UP

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (03-05-26)

    I didn't get to watch much of the Olympics this year, which makes me uniquely qualified to deliver an uniformed yet unbiased account of the major stories. I did manage to see coverage of the curling events almost EVERY time I turned on the television and even every time anyone else turned on a television. That's the sport where you slide a granite tea kettle along a sheet of ice with a bullseye painted into it, while obsessive-compulsive neat freaks Swiffer the area with extreme zeal, when they instead could save time by using a decent vacuum cleaner. In spite of caring very little about it, I learned that it's basically the same as shuffleboard, and the brooms are actually used to abrade the ice to cause the stone to go farther or in a particular direction. A controversy ensued when the Canadian team was accused of "double-touching" their stones, a practice which is apparently every bit as impolite as it sounds.

     I feel sorry for the athletes who train their whole lives for an Olympic moment, and because of an untimely fall or glitch, they are denied a spot on the awards podium. The smallest factor could mean a fraction of a percentage point off your time. Maybe three medals are too few for top finishers separated by only hundredths of a second in the final scoring. In high school I almost dropped a suggestion into the suggestion box that my math teacher shave off all his body hair so that our math class could go a little faster, but I figured they would know who that one was from. Why not just shell out a few more medals? Rhodium is a useful substance with a high corrosion resistance and a high melting point. As an eleventh place finisher, you should be happy that you proved your mettle with a medal of that metal.

     The women's skating events have a "kiss and cry" area, which is such a good idea that it should be offered as an option for home buyers who are having their own homes built. Pays for itself in dinner parties alone: "Jesus, are you guys going to kiss again? You know, we do have a separate area for that, it's down the hall and to the left. Somebody might already be crying in there, but it's kiss AND cry."

     I always enjoy the downhill skiing events, which I find much more exciting than uphill events. This year an amazing comeback attempt by Alpine legend Lindsey Vonn was seemingly foiled when she sustained an ACL injury just days before she was to compete in the Olympics. However, she decided to run the race anyway, which ended moments later when she brushed a gate and crashed out with a new injury. Who on Earth could have predicted how it would all end, besides EVERYBODY. 

     Certainly her bravery is to be admired, especially when I think of the time that I myself sustained an ACL injury on what was then known as "Birch Hill." I'm not sure if it could have been technically considered a "skiing injury," since I'm sure what I was doing was technically "skiing." I more-or-less slid down the hill sideways, hoping to reach the bottom right around the same time as spring thaw. When it was determined that I would have to turn in the other direction, I instead went downward, faithfully obeying the laws of gravity. My left knee, which has always been something of a scofflaw, continued in a different direction. As I lay cursing on the hill, I thought it would be appropriate that I be airlifted by helicopter to a Swiss hospital attended by blonde nurses, which seemed like a colorful way to end the day. Instead, they stuck me on a toboggan and pulled me painfully down the remainder of the slope, unloaded me into my car, and tried to lock my door from the outside. If I had known they had a toboggan I should have went down on that in the first place.

     Some other notes: I don't know if you follow the women's monobob at all, but the USA won a medal in it. So, if you do follow a woman's monobob, you'll have to do so fairly quickly. The men's hockey team won the top medal this year, at the expense of forward Jack Hughes' two front teeth. If he wants to have gold teeth put in, he'll know where to find the gold. He could also try to make some money with the tooth fairy, something that even as a little kid I thought was creepy and weird. What does a fairy really want with all those teeth? A Norwegian Olympian won a bronze medal, and then admitted that he had cheated. Not in the race, but on his girlfriend. He is a biathlete, so I'm unsure of what gender he was even cheating under.

     There's always a dustup concerning the judging of events that are not measured objectively, and this year was no exception. In the ice dancing competition, a disparity in the scoring was exposed when the French judge awarded disproportionate points to the French pair, even though there was not as much sizzle in their twizzle sequence. I believe that they should rid the sport of subjective judging entirely. In the biathlon they use guns, and if you notice, there are no French judges anywhere near the place.