ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (04-26-26)
I've got advanced arthritis in my right wrist, and I think I know what caused it. The same thing that's responsible for everything else that's wrong with every male of the species: saying immediately after we sprained something, "It's probably fine," and then going right back to whatever we were doing that caused it to probably not be fine at all. The lesson here folks, is listen to your body- it's trying to tell you something. It starts with a polite whisper: "You know, it might behoove you to have this checked out," and you think, if my body used the word, "behoove," how serious could it be? And after a few months, your body is hitting you over the head with a crowbar and yelling, "HEY STUPID, I told you before to see a doctor! Now LOOK- your stupid head ruined my crowbar."
At my age, my body is trying to tell me so many things at once I have to yell, HEY, HEY, HEY- ONE AT A TIME. Meanwhile, I'm one limb short. One hand no longer washes the other. If something costs an arm and a leg I have to pay through the nose. My wrist is in such pain I had to use a pair of Vise-grips to open a bottle of Tylenol (true). It was still hard to do, and I almost plugged in my Milwaukee Sawzall to get the job done, but I felt like I wouldn't have stopped with the bottle once I powered up the saw.
There are some things I cant do lefty, as a mostly right-handed person. I'm a drummer however, and drummers can do things with their left hand that other people wouldn't even attempt, such as half a paradiddle. But if you're used to paradiddling with your right hand, you might be in for a bitter disappointment.
Brushing my teeth left-handed is a challenge. It's hard to do without also brushing my nose and my chin. I thought it might help to do it while looking in the mirror, but it was worse since I could the see how stupid I looked. Opening a can of soup is next to impossible using a right-handed can opener. I found out that I could open the can upside down with my left hand using the same can opener, which turned out to be much worse than not opening it at all. I hate to open up a can of worms, so I'm glad that I can't at the moment.
Trying to open "easy-open" packaging is problematic even with two hands. Once you locate the "easy open" tear tab and pull it, you then try to find the two "easy open" edges of the "easy open" zipper pouch and pull them apart. With only one hand, a bag of grated cheese was all of a sudden Fort Knox. I could have tried to open it with my teeth if I wasn't afraid that I would somehow sprain my tooth. So I grabbed a pair of scissors to simply cut it open, and that's when I realized that trying to use a pair of scissors left-handed is a major cause of mental illness.
My handwriting has gotten worse and worse throughout the years, since I don't write very much in long hand and care much less about what it looks like. As a result, it appears that I'm trying to disguise my own handwriting to cover up a crime. I can't even make out myself what I wrote on the grocery list. Only my wife can, and if she can't decipher it she just assumes that it says "Kit Kat Bars." Even if it doesn't I'll be much happier with the Kit Kat Bars than whatever it really said. So writing lefty is actually a rare improvement, since I have to do it slower.
Putting on clothes with buttons is difficult with the wrong hand. I read that women's clothing has buttons on the left side because back in the days when women had dressers, it was easier for right-handed buttoners to button. So maybe it'll be easier if I pick up a couple pretty blouses while I'm waiting for my hand to heal, or maybe I'll bring the tube top back into style. It's also harder to zip your fly left-handed. The bottom part and the top are easy, but the middle is tough. If that's true it may be easier for me to zip your fly, and I hope the opportunity never arises.
There are a few things I do better lefty, like making a left-hand turn on the ski slope. I admit I'm not the greatest skier, and I've found that if you make too many left-hand turns you end up facing back up the slope. I can also stand on my left leg longer and steadier than my right, which isn't a particularly impressive skill unless you've been asked to do field sobriety test. I don't drink and drive, but if I do ever get stopped by the cops I intend to show them that I can open a can of soup upside down, as an alternative measure of sobriety.
The one thing I've always excelled at is left-handed compliments. "This meatloaf is AWFULly good!" "Oh! You really think so?" "Yes! TERRIBLy good! And your new hairdo. It makes you seem like a very highly-paid executive! At the Department of Motor Vehicles!"
I've never trusted left-handed people. They don't even have hands, they have paws; a left-handed pitcher is a "south-paw." You never heard of a north-paw, did you? Of course not. Did you know that the Latin word for "left" is "sinistra," or "sinister?" That's right, I took Latin in school after hearing a lot of talk about "Latin lovers" and grossly misunderstanding how to become one.
Well, I suppose I will have to see somebody about this wrist. And if I do want to see someone, I guess I had better bring my glasses.
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