Search The World... In Briefs!

Saturday, February 11, 2012


The Giants walked the walk, they talked the talk, and they made it to the big dance. They took it one game at a time, they took what the defense gave them, and they went all the way. I have to use the words "big dance," since the phrase "Super Bowl" is trademarked, and every time I use it I have to write a certified check for two and a half cents. I hear they are also trying to trademark the phrase, "Big Dance," "Big Game" and every pair of words that might refer to the Super Bowl, so that in the future you can only mention the game by winning at charades.

We have had five really lousy Super Bowl parties over the 29 years we have thrown them. Those were the ones where the guests were basically left to fend for themselves while we yelled at the screen as the New York Giants either did something INCREDIBLY stupid, or something INCREDIBLE. Those five times they have been trailing at halftime, making for grand theater but a really sore throat.

Speaking of halftime, what is going on there? I'm trying to come down from a semi-violent, testosterone-fueled rage, and all of a sudden the football game turns into "Glee." There is an awful lot of dancing these days at the big dance.

But they did it, and the game was great, again. It came out afterwards that Coach Belichick LET the Giants score that last touchdown, the one where Ahmad Bradshaw scooted right up to the end zone, paused in a position that looked like he was taking a crap, then realized that 80 billion people now knew what he looks like when he is taking a crap and then just fell into the end zone. It must be a great feeling to take a crap while falling into the end zone, a feeling most of us can only imagine. Then Belichick further let it be known that he let the Giants score all the other touchdowns too, so that Brady would have EVEN MORE time to come back and win the game.

Supermodel Gisele B√ľndchen is Tom Brady’s girlfriend, and she was tearful after the loss. She blamed the receivers for not catching the ball when Tom threw it to them. Then Wes Welker’s girlfriend blamed Brady for throwing that damned pass from the end zone that caused the safety. An acquaintance of the kicker’s questioned the zone defense at the end of the game. It was a mess. By the way in order to get that “u” with the two dots over it in "Bundchen" you have to hit the “num lock” button on your computer, press “alt” and then the numbers 1-2-9. Would you go through all that if Gisele was a regular model and not a supermodel?

Two days later the players rode through the "Canyon of Heroes." We learned a couple things at the parade as the ticker-tape rained down: Number one, the Giant fans have an undying love for their team. Number two, my Rite-aid stock is basically in the toilet. Everyone ended up at City Hall, mostly to try to fix a number of parking tickets, but also to hear a few very nasal words from Mayor Bloomberg, and accept the keys to the city. If they ever lock up the city, the only ones who will be able to get in are the people who remember where they left their keys; it will probably be Sean Landetta, Lawrence Taylor and a bunch of astronauts. I wonder what they will say to each other?

The fans were in a great mood as the floats floated by. People elbowed for position so that they could get video camcordings of all their favorite team members as they video camcorded the crowd video camcording them. Eli Manning held up the trophy, and there were a bunch of other big, fat looking dudes with huge necks that I couldn't clearly recognize without their jerseys on. There was a flatbed with Justin Tuck and Dave Tollefson. Another one rolled by with Osi Umenyiora and Dave Tollefson. The receivers’ float sported an ecstatic Hakeem Nicks, Victor Cruz and Dave Tollefson. I’m not sure who Dave Tollefson is or whether he is even on the team, but he looks good on a float.

The entire crowd was salsa dancing as the confetti fell from the sky. Either that or they had to go to the bathroom- I didn’t see any port-o-potties around… That salsa dance looks like they missed a step and had to go backwards to retrace it before they can go forward again, looks like a knitting stitch.

Incidentally, there is usually a bet on the outcome of the game between the two mayors, something that has to do with the major export of the city, like if Boston wins we get a year's worth of baked beans, or if New York wins you get a couple whores, or something like that. This year, they decided to perk things up with boring little prize packages so that a fan from each state could have a "night on the town." Tickets to a Broadway show, an amphibious Duck Tour.... This is the SUPER BOWL for god's sake! You could do better on "Ellen!" A suggestion for Bloomberg: Next time bet CASH so we don't have to hike up the bridge tolls again.