RICKSTER IS THE COLUMNIST FOR THE WEEKLY PUBLICATION, "THE SOMERS RECORD"

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Friday, June 26, 2009

WORLD NEWS

WORLD NEWS

Yesterday we lost one of the great icons of our generation: the swirling hair, the chiseled nose, the ultra-femininity will be forever remembered and emulated. I am talking of course about Michael Jackson. When you come from a large family you realize very early on that it defies the odds to have an entire family that isn’t odd. Michael Jackson seemed destined for a wild ride; all the ingredients were there: a nutty family, incredible early success, recovering from the incredible success only to have incredibler success, ambiguous sexuality that was never defined one way or the other, an affinity for exotic pets… The list goes on and on.

Unfortunately for the poor guy, it was like he gave everyone in the world press a microscope, and said, “Wow! Check THIS out!” And then he seemed genuinely surprised when the front pages were plastered with him holding a baby out a window. If it were my dad holding me out the window, and you saw it, yes, you would say, “HEY YOU! Don’t hold that baby out that window! Are you NUTS? Can’t you see my car down there??”

Since Michael Jackson, Madonna and I are the same age, I guess I have sort of followed their careers as I secretly gloated about being the only one who has not had extensive plastic surgery (although I do have a large plastic screw in my knee).

Incidentally, Stevie Wonder is the only remaining original artist still signed to Motown.

ORNITHOLOGY:

So we found a duckling rolling down the street like a tumbleweed at the bottom of our driveway. The whole concept of walking seemed relatively far-fetched to this thing; it could perambulate only by lying on its back and wiggling everything that moved until it pitched in one direction or the other 5 or 6 inches. Even when it was upright on its legs its main focus seemed to be to get back on its back and flail around again. We assumed was a duck. If it looks like a duck, talks like a duck and walks like a duck, it’s a duck, but this thing walks like a flounder. We figured that if this one is representative of the species, it is unlikely to evolve one iota. It seems dumb as a post, and would never last in the wild. So we did what we used to do when we were kids, and stuck it in a shoebox with some grass. With an awl we poked holes in the top of the shoebox for air. One thing to remember is to remove the duck before doing this, as we almost found out the hard way.

We put a large ashtray filled with water into the shoebox, until we learned online at one of the many duck-raising sites that this thing can apparently drown in a quarter inch of water. Which made me wonder how you could possibly childproof its home in the wild. On the plus side, after drinking from an ashtray, I doubt it will ever take up smoking.

We consulted a friend who is a duck expert, herself having raised many ducks from scratch. On her advice we found a lamp to provide warmth. According to her it was either that or let the duck sleep in bed with us. Anyone who owns a car windshield will realize that that is out of the question.

So I guess the idea is to nurse the thing along for a little while, and see if it will do anything that would lead you to believe it could survive more than a half hour.

I think deep down we picture a possible future reunion, like Born Free, where we return and visit the duck in its natural habitat, and it writhes toward us on its back, occasionally rolling a few inches or propelling itself in circles with one leg. I don’t think either of us believes it will ever learn to swim- maybe a dog paddle at best.

Remember: If you love something, set it free. If it was meant to return to you, and it gets around as slow as this duck does, we’ll be here all friggin’ day.

Incidentally, ducks’ feet have no blood vessels or nerves, which is why they don’t get cold swimming in the winter like those idiots in the Polar Bear Club. It also explains why Donald Duck never noticed that he wasn’t wearing pants.


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Tuesday, June 23, 2009

WORLD TRAVEL

WORLD TRAVEL

After spending the weekend at the Jersey shore I realize many things about myself. The first is that any ride at an amusement park that does not have a height requirement is not for me. I need the G-est of G-rated rides, preferably something where you ride inside a hippopotamus or a helicopter. I will not ride in a teacup; that’s for babies. Even the giant swing upset my stomach, and even more so after I went on it. Little children were laughing and having fun, and I was just trying to keep my insides inside. There was one little girl who was crying afterwards, the little wuss, at least I didn’t do that, but I did have to sit down for a few minutes.

There didn’t seem to be anything available for serious adults who want to go on a ride, but don’t want to spin, turn upside down, go sideways, up and down or make any sudden movements. Or even worse, for no good reason start going in the opposite direction than the one you started out in. One ride goes about 400 feet in the air, and with the modern technology of computer assisted hydraulics, drops you 399 feet, faster than the pull of gravity. Meanwhile, some of your organs, and your hat if you were wearing one, are still up there, and before they can think to come down, you are back up there to visit them. The ride is tremendously popular with people who love airplane turbulence, and who doesn’t?

We ended up on an electric train that wanders around the perimeter of the park at a speed slightly slower than you could walk it, and even that seemed a little scary to us. It was the same basic idea as a roller coaster; it rolled, it coasted, so sue us.

Incidentally, one of the first “roller coasters” in the U.S. was actually a tram car that delivered coal on a downhill track from Summit Hill, Pennsylvania to what is now Jim Thorpe. In the 1850s they charged 50 cents a ride to thrill-seekers, and probably considerably more to coal-seekers.


WORLD NEWS:

The aftermath surrounding Iran’s “election” is still making waves around the world. Sarkozy of France has called the results a “tragedy,” which I think is exactly what he called the Bush election. German Chancellor Merkel admonished the Iranians to “stop using violence against demonstrators and free imprisoned people.” Which makes no sense: if they are free how can they be imprisoned?

The press is on Obama’s case for not being stronger in denouncing the harsh treatment of protesters. They are reportedly using tear gas, which seems ineffective against people who are used to crying a lot. In Obama’s defense, he probably doesn’t want to offend anybody just yet, before he finds out who is actually going to be in charge. I think it’s a smart move- just wait it out. If Iran devises a nuclear bomb anytime soon, you don’t want to be in the position of having to say, “Hey! We were just kidding about all the election stuff!”

The government reminded the dissidents that protesting the elections is punishable by death under Islamic law. Which brings me to a great career choice for those people looking for a new beginning in the face of the struggling economy: Islamic lawyer. If you lose a case, and your client is executed, malpractice is pretty much out of the question. Also every day is like casual Friday, a robe and some headgear should do it- no tie.

Incidentally, “Sharia” is the term that refers to Islamic Law, which literally means “path to the water source.” About one out of four people in the world is Muslim, so whenever I am thirsty, and I forgot to bring a water, I find a group of at least five people, to be on the safe side, since I don’t like carbonated water, or water with a piece of lemon in it. One of them is sure to know where the water source is. I’m not as dumb as I look.


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Thursday, June 18, 2009

THE WORLD

THE WORLD

The free world is watching closely as Iran tries to sort out the claims of fraud and tampering in their recent “election.” After the results were tallied and Ahmadinejad declared the winner, so many opposition supporters came out publicly that no one could believe that the polling was fair. Ironically, it was Al Gore, running against the incumbent, who again got screwed…. In the good old days you could just wander around and shoot people who publicly dissented, but nowadays, with the immediacy of technology, the castigation of outraged nations is too politically expensive. Fortunately for the winning party, they can control email traffic and punish offenders. Unfortunately for them, they cannot control texting, so word gets around faster than at any other time in history. I received a text from Tehran yesterday:

“OMG! Sucks 2 B a democrat! Voted 4 Moussavi! R house wuz D stroyed!! Here comes Guard- BRB”

I tried to put Ahmadinejad into spellcheck, but lo and behold, it had NO suggestions…

Incidentally, Queen was the first band ever to sell a rock album in Iran, because Freddy Mercury is of Persian descent. Which you can guess by his real name, which is Farrokh Bulsara. And also by the fact that he had long hair like the cat, and sheds like a bastard.


COMMERCE:

I have an idea for a new business. I am going to set up a company that buys all of your unused frequent flier miles and pools them together. Since I fly too infrequently, I hardly have any miles to speak of. My total accumulation is more easily measured in yards. I added everything up and it looks like I will be able to vacation next year in Rome, which actually ain’t bad. It’s close by to Utica. Unfortunately I will have to rent a car and drive from Newburgh.

So the business idea is to get all those miles together until they equal a trip to Las Vegas, where I will have a casino waiting for you to divest you of all the money you saved from the free flight. BRILLIANT!

But people are accumulating free stuff all the time and they don’t even know it. My credit card has an incentive system, and every time you buy something you are awarded points which eventually add up to something allegedly useful, and each year you can pick a FREE gift out of a brochure. Last year mine added up to a tote bag, which I could have had FREE, except for shipping and handling, which was eleven dollars. I don’t mind paying the shipping, even though I think it’s a waste of money to use ships to transport tote bags from Mexico. But I do object to the handling- I don’t need all those fingerprints on my tote bag.

As it turns out I have enough points to win a close football game, but not enough to get a clock-radio. Nor a clock, nor a radio. Which explains why I am well-rested and ill-informed.

Incidentally, in Canada, donating frequent flier miles to the poor is considered a tax-deduction, but good luck getting a receipt.


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Monday, June 15, 2009

HOME

HOME

There are wood-boring bees at my house, and they are making my life miserable. They are only one of several things at my house that are surprisingly boring, but they’re definitely the most difficult to get rid of. They drill a hole in your furniture or eaves exactly a quarter inch in diameter, then burrow across inside the wood. Once there they watch old reruns of “The Twilight Zone,” which takes them exactly 28 days. Then they die, never having experienced “Night Gallery.”. The amazing thing is that the hole is so perfect it looks like they drilled it with a drill. So I thought I might shave a couple of days off the hole process and I decided to drill one for them. As is just like me, I drilled all the way through and out of the top of the railing by mistake, and all the bees were snickering at me and rolling their little bee eyes. So they’re on their own now, screw them.

I also have carpenter ants, but since my real carpenter doesn’t seem to return my calls, they are all I’ve got right now, and they actually don’t do bad work. I was going to have them put up an addition near the garage, but they seem to think that a subtraction is the way to go, so we’ll see what they come up with.

Speaking of insects, a luna moth landed near our hot tub the other day. It is a beautiful bright green moth about 3 ½ inches long, quite tame and makes a suitable pet if you keep it in your sweater drawer. It has two large “eyes” on its wing to confuse predators into thinking that it is the Geico pile of money. It seemed to know it was beautiful, and while posing for pictures responded to such commands as, “that’s it baby, you're gorgeous!, ” and ”give me more! MORE! Make LOVE to the camera baby!” While photographing the luna moth do use your flash. The male is a little bit brighter than the female, but ____________________. (You fill in the blanks, I’m sick of doing all the work). Incidentally, you can tell the difference between a moth and a butterfly either by asking it or by their antennae. The butterfly has a thin antenna, like a thread with a little knob at the end, and the moth has a thicker antenna that looks like a comb.


ADVERTISING:

I saw a commercial for an SUV the other day that depicted a 4 x 4 (they should just call it a 16 don’t you think??) on a joyride up on the moon, going about 50 miles per hour over craters and such. At the bottom of the screen it said, “Closed course. Professional driver. Do not attempt.” Is this not the stupidest thing ever written on the bottom of a television screen? Well, for now maybe but I’ll think of something stupider. Any half-wit knows that if you’re going to drive an SUV on the moon, you will need to beef up your springs, probably your shocks, too. Also your air filter, and I would go two sizes up in tires. So the ad is stupid.

It’s like when they try to sell cars over the radio, and after laying out a fairly reasonable premise, a guy flies in at the end with about 20 minutes of things to say in a 6 second window. He rattles on and on REALLY fast about how you shouldn’t take this offer too seriously, and let’s not get too caught up in things, and hey we have to make a living too, and just ruins the whole sales experience for you.

Incidentally, the actual Lunar Rover used on Apollos 15, 16 and 17 was an electric vehicle that cost $38 million. But now, with incentives and rebates, you can probably get your hands on one for about half that. The problem is where do you get it serviced??? Since it was electric, it was extremely Earth friendly, and even more so since it was never driven on Earth.


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Thursday, June 11, 2009

REGIONAL NEWS

REGIONAL NEWS

I understand that Governor David Paterson is blind, and that that prevents him from seeing how bad his beard really looks. Really the chaparral of Northern California looks more attractively landscaped. But doesn’t the fact that he is blind mean that his other senses are enhanced, and that he ought to be able to play the piano? Look at Stevie Wonder or Ray Charles (since they can’t look at you). Paterson should give it a whirl. It would increase his approval rating if he can come up with a hit. Incidentally, Paterson lost his sight at 3 months old from an ear infection that spread to his optic nerve.

I can play several instruments, all not that great, but keyboards is not one of them. I made a recording recently that needed keyboards, so I dragged out my Yamaha digital and went to work. But my hands immediately got confused and went into typing mode, which apparently is much different than playing mode. So the recording came out like crap, but in my defense, translated to typing, I played the words, “Dear Somers Town Court: I plead ‘Not Guilty’,” without even needing spellcheck. So HAH. (As I write this, I find it ironic that the word “spellcheck” is not recognized by spellcheck)

HEALTH:

Since I turned 50 this year I have come to realize that the operative word in this common phrase is “turn.” It’s like my body was an open Tupperware container of roast beef that has been in the refrigerator for quite some time, and now it has finally TURNED. And all these stupid little ailments that have been waiting patiently have now come out to annoy me. And these are not respectable diseases or anything, but ridiculous things like busted tendon in my pinkie. Idiotic, of course, but quite debilitating in its own little way. Or recently I have been getting dizzy spells, like Paris Hilton, only not as long and not as HOT. Incidentally, Tupperware was invented by Earl Silas Tupper in 1946, who also patented the “burping seal.”

I’ve been to Sea World, and believe me, he did NOT invent it.

THE WORLD:

I was talking to my friend Glen the other day and he informed me that Japanese people wander around the streets with umbrellas open even if it’s not raining. I believe he is telling the truth in this case even though he is something of a kidder. Japanese people just seem to have a propensity to do weird things. Every time I see one of their game shows, it’s something like a guy in a monkey suit trying to dip a bound and gagged girl in a bikini hanging upside down from a bungee cord into a vat of Jello. I just made that up so if you go to Japan and see it on TV you’ll know where they got it from. Incidentally, Japan is an archipelago, made up of over 3,000 islands.

If they ever came up with their own salad dressing it would be three times better than the kind I currently use.


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Monday, June 8, 2009

LEISURE

LEISURE

Last week the Daily News crossword puzzle was based on a quip by Andy Rooney, and I had an unusual fantasy about him. Most of my unusual fantasies revolve around Andy Rooney, a young Teri Garr, or Carl Pavano. All my other fantasies are the usual kind. Anyway in my daydream we are crossing the street together (we both work in the same building, and we both have frequent business in the building across the street), and since we work in the middle of the block, there is no crosswalk, and it is a busy street in Manhattan. Anyway, in order to look like a big hero to my wife who will think I am acing the puzzle, I ask him what the quip was. He tells me the quote was, “Crossing the street in New York is great exercise for old people, providing they live through it.” And then of course he tells me, “But I never said that.” But since he is an older fellow and not too swift on his feet, he doesn’t see that a big bus is coming. The bus swerves to avoid him, and hits me, and I never get to finish the goddamn puzzle. Incidentally, Andy Rooney flew with the Eighth Air Force as a journalist on a bombing raid over Germany during World War II.

I don’t know what happened to the other seven air forces, but at this point the news can’t be good.

POPULAR CULTURE:

I don’t follow American Idol, and I would guess that many musicians have very negative feelings toward that show. American Idol presents a very homogenized picture of music to mainstream America, where singers are rewarded for advancing their own acrobatic vocal styles, instead of interpreting a song to its best advantage. The singer becomes more important than the song, which is an idea I disagree with. Anyway I saw an article on the guy who came in second, Adam Lambert, and the article said, “…questions of Lambert’s sexual orientation still remain…” I have a news flash for you: If questions of your sexual orientation still remain, you’re GAY! Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Not that there’s anything right with it either. It’s just as much of a mine field as straight relationships, if not more. And indeed where are we going as a society? All of a sudden if you have anal sex with another guy it’s gay? What is this? It’s tongue in cheek, that’s what it is, and by the way if MY tongue is in YOUR cheek, that’s gay.

Why anyone cares if gay people marry other gay people is beyond me. Nobody used to care when gay people married straight people. Even Dick Cheney came out of the closet and said he was actually in favor of gay marriage. In another fantasy of mine Dick Cheney is asked by his lesbian daughter to give her away at the wedding ceremony. He walks her down the aisle, but instead of giving her away charges a nominal fee. At the reception, somebody yells “Shots for everyone!,” but Cheney misunderstands and shoots some of the guests. No one is seriously hurt, only humorously. Incidentally, before becoming U.S. Vice President, Cheney was a five-time Representative from the state of Wyoming, and became House Minority Whip.

Which seems very racist to me. Even with a partially black president, it sometimes it seems we have not come so far at all.


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Thursday, June 4, 2009

TECHNOLOGY

TECHNOLOGY

So a guy on my commuter train this morning had to yell at another guy about talking too loud on his cell phone. I always want to do that myself, but I would have to vault over two or three innocent people to do so. Then I start getting engrossed in the conversation. The wife, the kids, the job, everything that is going GREAT if you ask someone how they are in person, is a MESS on the cell phone. That is where the truth comes out. Unfortunately the truth comes out too friggin LOUD. The odd thing is that people are bothered much more by cell phone talk than they would be if two people were simply talking on the train to each other. And if somebody shows up with a walkie-talkie cell phone, the possibility for violence ratchets up exponentially. People who are lacking enough attention in other facets of their lives like to make you aware of their presence with a walkie-talkie, leading me to say something snarky like, “Hey: Look at you. You are 40 pounds overweight at least! How about more walkie, and less talkie!” Incidentally, an MIT survey found that the cell phone is the invention that Americans “hate the most, but can’t live without.” It edged out television and the alarm clock!

I myself have a very old school cell phone. It does take photos, similar to the one on the Flintstones, where a little pterodactyl comes out and pecks the likeness onto a rock.

SPORTS:

I’ve been watching the French Open on ESPN (or is it ESPN2 or 3?), and I can’t help thinking: Isn’t it time for Dick Enberg to retire? It’s not that the guy has nothing to say, but Jesus Christ it takes him SO long to say it. By the time he works around to the predicate you forgot what the subject was. It always seems like I’m watching TV with my dad when he is on the air. Not my real dad of course, but like a TV dad. And for god’s sake also retire that horrendous French music with the accordion every commercial break. French people must hear that and think we are the jackasses of the Earth. Incidentally, the stadium and the tournament itself are named for Roland Garros, a World War I French pilot.


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Tuesday, June 2, 2009

THE WORLD

THE WORLD

This GM bankruptcy is great for me and all taxpayers, since I have always wanted to own my own car company. Now, finally I can get things done the way I want them. For instance, why is there no control on my dashboard or any other dashboard for vent and defroster at the same time? If you live in the Northeast, every time it rains in November you either freeze your ass off or you can't see out the window. It's a hell of a choice. And another thing: What ever happened to the dedicated controls on my car stereo? Now one button controls everything, which means I have to pay attention, which I hate doing. Every time I think I am turning up the bass, I am actually adjusting the fade, and the guy in the back seat is yelling that it's too loud back there. Why is there a guy in my back seat??? Incidentally, General Motors began in 1908 as a holding company for Buick, which was a privately owned company.

I don't believe that government control of majority interests in Citicorp and General Motors is tantamount to socialism. On the other hand, I have noticed that in American politics these days, there is a "czar" for every branch. Coincidence??

SEX:

Madison Avenue has a long history of trying to identify our every want and need before even we ourselves know it. Then every ad agency adopts the same idea if that product happens to sell, thinking that they will also capture the magic. Somewhere close to the beginning of time, the saxophone was inexplicably decided upon as the "sexy" instrument. I find this objectionable. The saxophone to me sounds kind of farty, and sometimes squeaky. Neither of these traits is conducive to sex. I would vote to change the national "sexy" instrument to the oboe. Incidentally, the oboe is a double-reed horn, in which the reeds vibrate against themselves instead of the mouthpiece. This in itself is kind of hot.

Further, the "old people" instrument, ad agency-wise, has always been the clarinet. This is okay, but I would think the pipe organ is a better fit. Get old people used to the sound of it, since it's played often enough at funerals. Incidentally, the phrase "pulling out all the stops" comes from the playing of the organ, since a "stop" is a set of pipes that makes a certain sound, and organs have many such sets of pipes, and so, many different stops. If you pull them all out at once, you may actually wake the dead.


SPORTS:

Last night during the Yankee game Joba Chamberlain tried out an interesting new set of moves. For one thing, he made a hell of a play on a bunt pop up. While Posada was still trying to straighten out his legs in order to stand up, Joba leapt off the mound like a cat. Not like my cat, who, if you drop it from 4 feet up to see if it will land with 4 feet down instead lands on its head, then on its ass and stays there for 45 minutes until the sun shifts, but like a swift and agile cat. He lays out in the air completely perpendicular to the ground and snatches the ball on the way to a full face plant where his head bounces 7 or 8 times on the ground. Then Posada yells at him to get up and throw to second to complete the double play, the runner in motion on the play. He does so, then does a little routine that looked exactly like a "Rock-em, Sock-em Robot." "His BLOCK is knocked off!" "That's okay, just push it back on!" If Posada had been standing in front of him at the time he would be back on the disabled list right now... If he had reacted a hair sooner it might have been a triple play. Incidentally, there have been 677 documented triple plays in baseball history.

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