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Friday, November 14, 2014


I went to the annual Health Fair at work last week, thinking that there would be rides. They measured my height, I assumed to find out if I was tall enough to ride the ride. But it turns out the whole thing was just a bunch of tests and insurance people, which was just as well since I always get sick on rides. But if I did get sick, what better place to be cured than a Health Fair? I usually just self-medicate using time-honored remedies such as funnel cakes and pizza.

By the way, did you know that at the Phoenix State Fair this year they were serving "python on a stick?" I heard that it tastes like chicken, so I am just going to eat chicken instead, if I can find one on a stick. If I ever meet a python in person and it finds out I am wearing its skin on my boots AND eating it from a stick, it is not likely to be in an friendly mood with me. (Can you meet something in person if it is not a person?) Also at the PSF they have something called "dessert on a stick," which I misread as "desert on a stick," which would have been funnier. At a state fair they can fry just about anything and put it on a stick. Usually it tastes like a fried stick.

Back at the Health Fair I went around from table to table, trying to get as much free stuff as I could. I got about 200 pens that sometimes work, a recyclable shopping bag, and a whole bunch of other crap that seemed important at the time. If somebody had something REALLY good, I would feign an illness that only THEY could cure. The better the free gift, the more time I invested in seeming interested in their presentation, in order to assuage my guilt for not being at all interested in their presentation. For instance at the eye exam table they had a cute little knapsack. I signed up for some damn website and felt around in Braille for a while as if I left my seeing eye dog at home. At the aural health table I made like I left my hearing ear dog at home, too. I said "What?" and "Huh?" a few times and picked up a couple pens, They referred me to the mental health table.

I took a PSA test, and the nurse pricked my finger. Did I say that backwards? No thank god. I Yelled "OW!" really frigging loud just to see if anybody left the line. It didn't hurt that much; my cat performs the same test on a daily basis.

Then they drew more blood for my cholesterol test. If I had known they needed all this blood I would have saved some from my last home improvement project. As usual my bad cholesterol is taking over the place like an ISIS raid on a Syrian village. My HDL is like the Syrian village. My triglycerides are like Turkey, sitting around on the sidelines waiting to see who wins. Come to think of it if the Syrians ate more turkey their cholesterol levels would be better.

I had a head cold when I went to the Health Fair and I wasn't feeling that well so I went to one of the wellness tables where they were giving these little free blankets. What better thing to cure a cold than a blanket? The minute I got there they started giving me grief about the way I was coughing. "You should cough into your elbow, like this!" The lady said. Why on Earth would I do that? First of all I don't want my head cold spreading to my elbow. Second, most people don't know their ass from their elbow, so most people would be coughing into their ass. Third, holding your elbow like that looks like the symbol for "party foul," and the entire place would have to do penalty shots. They were giving away flu shots at the next table, which actually were pretty tasty.

They held this year's Health Fair right in the middle of the ebola crisis. At first I didn't think anything of ebola or even e coli. I thought they were just on the internet, like Ebay or Etrade or Esurance. I figured they were computer viruses. But ebola turns out to be very real and scary. It should be noted that you can only catch ebola from people who are experiencing the symptoms of the disease, which are: fever, severe muscle and joint aches, sore throats, severe stomach pains, weakness, substantial weight loss, and loss of appetite. But what if you are at a concert the very first time you get a symptom? And people just think you have the "rockin' pneumonia the the boogie-woogie flu?" By then it's too late and you're all screwed.

Anyway, I took some Triaminic for the cold. I experienced some tightness in my chest, which apparently is one of the side effects. I self-diagnosed this on WebMD to be acute angina, and I was flattered to find that I was not the only one who thought it was cute. After I got through admiring myself in the mirror I took some Lipitor for the angina. The Lipitor caused some memory loss and confusion, which I realized might be early Alzheimer's disease. To treat the Alzheimer's I picked up a couple Exelon patches, one for me and one for a hole in my coat, but I couldn't remember where I put the coat. The Exelon patch caused a decrease in appetite, which I attributed to anorexia nervosa. To treat the anorexia I took some Fluoxetine, which caused erectile dysfunction. I popped a few Viagra and experienced stomach pains, one of the main symptoms of the ebola virus.

FYI all of these are also symptoms of being in love, except for the erectile dysfunction. So if you experience all these issues and you are quarantined with somebody hot, do yourself a favor and open up your heart.

Presently I am self-monitoring my ebola, and I have discovered something quite disturbing: I have a REALLY long nose hair. The thought that it might have been there for some time was making me glum, so I took some Mirtazapine to deal with the depression. Mirtazapine is known to cause abnormal thoughts, which I am writing down here.

Incidentally, another delightful treat on sale at the Phoenix State Fair this year was the chocolate-covered scorpion. The stinger is supposed to have been removed, but how can you tell without licking all the chocolate off first? Also the scorpion is supposed to be dead, which you can also find out during the licking process, as they are ticklish. Here is a State Fair recipe for chicken-fried bacon: http://www.delish.com/recipes/cooking-recipes/unusual-state-fair-food#slide-1 I am still looking for a recipe for bacon-fried chicken.