RICKSTER IS THE COLUMNIST FOR THE WEEKLY PUBLICATION, "THE SOMERS RECORD"

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Friday, February 26, 2016

THE YEAR IN REVIEW, PART II

SPECIAL TO THE SOMERS RECORD (01-14-16)

     In this column we will continue to explore the major news stories that defined 2015. We are digging a little deeper than the usual media outlets do, and the results will either speak for themselves, or we will hit a water pipe and get sued.

     1. JUPITER ALIGNS WITH VENUS
In July, the two brightest planets in the solar system appeared to the eye to be on the same plane in the sky. If Jupiter had aligned with Mars, peace would have guided the planets, and love would have steered the stars. Instead, we have Donald Trump, which is usually a sign that Jupiter has aligned with Uranus.

     2. CANADIAN SMUGGLER WITH TURTLES IN PANTS PLEADS GUILTY
He was apparently bringing them to China, where they could be sold for a much greater price, after ordering them online. I'm not sure what he ordered them to do when he was online, but turtles rarely do anything they are told. I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that when the customs agent approached him and asked, "Is that a turtle in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?" his answer was a lie.

     3. CATS REACT TO CAT MUSIC AT A CAT CAFE IN NEW YORK CITY
It's weird enough that cats have their own cafe. I like to believe that we live in an integrated society, where if I want to drink out of a cat bowl, no one should question it unless I slurp it all over the floor. Anyway, a lecturer at the University of Maryland with too much time on his hands created music that he thought would be appealing to cats. When it was played in this cat cafe, some cats, and some humans, started to attempt to lick themselves, which many interpreted as enjoyment. The one thing cats and humans have in common is that they both think that "death metal" music sounds like a bunch of cats getting busy.

     4. LINDSAY LOHAN BOTCHES ARABIC PHRASE CALLS PEOPLE AN ASS
This year Lindsey Lohan, in a misguided frenzy of good will, decided to tweet out a message in Arabic that she thought meant, "You're beautiful," but actually translated to read, "You're a donkey." It should be pointed out that not one donkey complained about the tweet and thought it was nice of her to think of them. However, it does remind one to check thoroughly into the translation of your Chinese tattoo before leaving it up to the artist, so that you don't wear something on your arm that says in Mandarin: "I have a turtle in my underpants."

     5. TEEN FALLS OFF SCENIC CLIFF, GETS BITTEN BY SNAKE AND SURVIVES
Not only did this British boy tumble off a seaside precipice and get bitten by an adder, but the tide came in and he would have been swept out to sea had he and his brother not acted quickly. After he was rescued everyone told him how lucky he was, but to me, lucky would have been when he looked over the ledge and said, "Holy crap there's a poisonous-looking snake down there- let's get the hell out of here!"

     6. WOMAN BEATS DWI CHARGE BECAUSE HER BODY IS A ‘BREWERY’
A woman was stopped by police in New York after driving eratically, and subsequently blew a .33 BAC into a Breathalyzer. She was acquitted of DWI because of a condition known as "Auto-Brewery Syndrome," which causes the body to produce alcohol. I wanted to find out if this was really true, so I tapped her on the shoulder, and it was true. Incidentally, she sometimes double-dates with a gal who's body is a "pizza parlor."

     7. TRUCK CARRYING BEES OVERTURNS
In May, a tractor-trailer carrying an estimated 16 to 20 million honeybees overturned in Delaware, releasing them all in a huge swarm. They went on a rampage and among other things, cross-pollinated a Mazda with a Nissan and a Cadillac, resulting in a Maniac. They sprayed water on the bees, which made them wet. The rest they apprehended in a sting operation.

     So those are the important stories that you need to know, but dumb things have already started happening in 2016. If you hear of any, please let me know.
 

Friday, February 19, 2016

THE YEAR IN REVIEW, PART I

SPECIAL TO THE SOMERS RECORD (01-07-16)

Every year around this time, the media always rolls out a list of "those we lost" this year. What better way to ring in the New Year than a big, fat buzz-kill? "This year, as in most others, we lost beloved actor Abe Vigoda, whose storied career lasted many years after his death." Well I'm not going to tell who died in 2015, at least until their next-of-kin have been notified. So it will have to be a surprise.

Instead, I'm going to concentrate on the "hard news" stories, culled from the front pages of my internet browser. "Hard news" to me means items that are "hard" to believe that somebody thought they were "news." So many dumb things  happened in 2015 that I'm going to do this in two parts, and I urge you to look these stories up on the internet if you don't trust me.

1. BREAST FEEDING MAY INCREASE A BABY'S INTELLIGENCE
This story is fascinating not because it might be true, but because I wonder how anyone would find out if it's true. The field of baby testing is still in its infancy. And by the way, babies aren't all that bright to begin with, no offense, so I think it might also be proven that waiting around 10 or 15 minutes will also increase a baby's intelligence.

2. BO BERGDAHL CHARGED WITH MISBEHAVIOR BEFORE THE ENEMY
The charges surrounding Sgt. Bo Bergdahl represent a serious situation, so I won't comment on that. My issue is with the formal charge of "misbehavior before the enemy," which kind of sounds like he didn't clean his room. But if you're going to not clean your room, better to do it before the enemy does it and steals all your thunder.

3. LADY POLE DANCES WITH BABY ON HER BACK
I have no idea what this lady does for a living, but "Take Your Daughter to Work Day" should only be taken so far. Incidentally I also found this story under: "Baby Pole Dances With Woman on her Front."

4. FACE OF JESUS APPEARS ON A LANDSLIDE
Many people thought that Jesus was seen as an apparition in a Colombian landslide last year. They assumed it was Jesus, but when I saw it I thought it looked more like Matthew Mcconaughey, which is also a miracle, since he is hard to get a hold of these days. If it was, it proves once again that Jesus wins in a landslide.

5. LEANN RIMES SETS OFF FIRE ALARM
Last year LeAnn Rimes triggered a fire alarm by using spray-on shampoo on an airplane. First of all, I would think that there are easier ways to shampoo an airplane, and second, I wouldn't go on any aircraft that thinks LeAnn Rimes is so hot that she could spontaneously combust. And now, thanks to LeAnn Rimes, you can't get on a plane with fireworks, gunpowder or LeAnn Rimes.

6. SWORDFISH KILLS MAN TRYING TO CATCH IT
Before I read this story I assumed that the swordfish had shot the fisherman in self-defense, and certainly would be justified in doing so. But it turns out that the feisty fish was simply sticking its nose where it didn't belong.

I'll be back next week with some more of the kind of in-depth reporting you have come to expect.

Friday, February 12, 2016

MANY HAPPY RETURNS

SPECIAL TO THE SOMERS RECORD (12-31-15)

     My birthday is on Christmas Day, and sometimes people ask me, "Don't you get ripped off on the presents?" And I say "YES!" And if I ever meet up with Rickey Henderson, Jimmy Buffet or Yazmin Fiallos, I'm going to ask them if they went through the same thing on their Christmas birthdays. By the way, Yazmin Fiallos was the winner of Miss Universe in 1996, from Honduras, so I'm probably going to have some other questions for her. Like I might ask, "Did you ever see anyone from any of the other planets in the Miss Universe competition? And if you did, and they had, say, three legs, wouldn't it be an unfair advantage in the swimsuit competition?" I would also ask her why her country is called "Honduras," when there seems to be only one of them.

     It all started with Jesus, many, many years ago, back in the manger. Joseph and Mary were just finishing with the Christmas decorations when who should drop by, but three wise men? They had heard about the baby and all, and wanted to visit, and thoughtfully brought gifts. Frankincense, myrrh and gold, you can't go wrong there. Frankincense and myrrh were types of aromatic oils, highly treasured at the time, especially in a manger, when Febreze had not been invented yet. The gold speaks for itself, of course. What I'm saying is that they only brought ONE gift each, for Christmas AND birthday. They probably hemmed and hawed, and said we'll make it up next year, etc., blah blah blah.

     Some gifts you only see advertised at Christmas time, leading me to believe that by mid-January they might have outlived their useful life, and the word "useful" may be misused here. For instance, anyone who receives The Clapper as a Christmas gift will soon realize how often a spontaneous ovation can break out and throw an entire household into darkness. Ingeniously, I have come up with a simple solution: If I ever get a Clapper as a present, I plan to purchase a second unit, and plug it into a different light after the first light is Clapped out. That way, when I clap by mistake, the second light will come on at the same time the first one turns off. Just to be on the safe side, I plan to stop doing anything particularly well, so that there will be no applause to complicate things.

     The Chia Pet is another thing I often see on television around this time. It's a little planter in the mold of an animal or other shape that holds the seeds of the chia herb, and when watered, grows into the shape of hair. They once sold, and I kid you not, a Chia Obama Pet. After a week or so it looked like Obama had showed up on St. Patrick's day with green hair, drunk and ready to rain down an executive order on your face. After another two weeks the plants got long and wilty, and it took on the unpresidential appearance of a small musk ox.

     If they ever decide to market a Chia Trump, it will certainly prove a challenge to modern botanical engineering to make the chia plants point in the unnatural directions it would take to emulate Trump's hair. It may require two separate suns.

     I asked Donald Trump about a possible Chia Pet in his likeness, and he said, "Are you kidding? I'm terrific with the Chia Pets. I have an unbelievable record with the Chia Pets. They love me, because they know I'm going to take care of them. You think Ted Cruz knows what to do with the Chia Pets? And there's nothing worse than a Chia Bush, I don't think I have to tell YOU that." Then as he walked away he made some unflattering remarks about me, which I have to admit were true.

Friday, February 5, 2016

DO YOU HEAR WHAT I HEAR

SPECIAL TO THE SOMERS RECORD (12-24-15)

     Last Sunday I donned my gayest apparel and went over to the Somers Library for a holiday concert and sing-along. The Joey D. Jazz Ensemble was in fine form, offering an eclectic mix of modern and classic seasonal songs. From what I understood, the combo consists of former music teachers from the Somers school system, their children, and possibly other family members who did not behave.

      My advice to all children is to do everything your music teacher tells you. They hold much more power than your guidance counselor, the police, your parents and any other teacher, with the exception of your science teacher, who has the ability to possibly blow you up using a Bunsen burner.

     Your music teacher has the potential to make you look REALLY bad whenever he or she wants to. You can trust me on this; I cut music class a few times in middle school and the next year I was wearing a Sousaphone. If you don't know what a Sousaphone is, it's big, white, wraps around you like a Burmese python, and looks like something you should be able to distill 150-proof liquor with.

     Anyway, Sunday's little get-together was sponsored by the Friends of the Library, which runs many nice community events. I am a friend of the library myself, and does the library ever call me just to say Hi? That phone call is long overdue, if you'll pardon the expression.

     Any sing-along that I sing along to involves me crooning in questionable harmony until I stumble across a note that's too high for me, and then I switch to a different questionable harmony. But I make up for it with an overabundance of zeal, so that it sounds like a cat that got stuck in a bathtub while singing questionable harmonies. I think you might describe my voice as flattering. For instance, if a song is in A-flat, I can make the A much flatter.

     The library passed out lyric sheets, which was very helpful. They went to all that trouble, printed all the words on each page, center-justified, noted where each verse and chorus, xeroxed all the copies. And what did they deck the halls with? "Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la. And what did the Herald Angels sing? "Hark." The Little Drummer Boy? "Pa-rum-pa-pum-pum." I think we can do better as a society.

     I often see choirs where the singers are instructed to smile incessantly as they are singing, which I find vaguely creepy. They are singing their hearts out, beaming like they just won the lottery, and meanwhile the Little Lord Jesus is laying there in a manger, no crib for a bed. Sheep and cows and hay all over the place, it's a hell-hole, frankly. Can you catch mange from a manger? All I'm saying is, have a little decorum.

     What we did learn is that you can superimpose the melody and lyrics to Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree over just about every song. Try it to Jingle Bell Rock, Holly Jolly Christmas or Frosty the Snowman. By the way it doesn't work for Adele songs, I already tried.

     ps: Write me and tell me about the weirdest, best or worst Christmas or Hanukkah gift you ever received. I'll put it in next week's column and I promise not to embarrass anybody any worse than you probably already have.