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Tuesday, June 14, 2011



Yes, it's true: Sarah Palin is a blogger's dream. Meaning that I have had a lot of dreams about her, some involving produce. Why is produce called "produce," when it is the only thing not actually produced, but instead, grown? In one of my dreams Sarah Palin meets Paul Revere and they sit down to lunch and talk about American History. Mrs. Palin asks him about his famous "midnight ride," and Paul Revere picks her brain about things that have happened in history since his death. Well, he doesn't exactly pick her brain, it was kind of assigned to him since it's my dream.

Sarah: What time of day did you go on your midnight ride?

Paul: I have no way of knowing since I was on the watch.

Sarah: What exactly did Paul Revere shout?

Paul: I cried, "The regulars are coming!" Well, I didn't actually cry or anything, come on, Sarah, I'm not a friggin baby over here. I didn't want to yell that the British were coming, since the British already knew that. They were all over the place, and they had big ears. Some of them had big noses too. So "the regulars" was kind of a code word. Those who suffered from irregularity, we didn't give a crap about them.

Sarah: Were you alone?

Paul: No. I was with Dawes. William Dawes. Great guy- I miss him. He has been dead for 212 years but it seems like only 133. William Dawes. For short I called him Willia Dawe. He was a tanner by trade and he-

Sarah: He did have a great tan. Why were the colonial militia known as "minutemen?"

Paul: Sarah, I don't think the answer would be pleasing to you.

Sarah: What do you think of the idea that you actually rode to warn the British that the colonists had arms, and that in their arms they would be holding guns??

Paul: No, that's a great idea, Sarah. Yes I agree with that. And why don't we actually take the guns and also shoot ourselves so that the British can take over and put their feet up and raid the refrigerator? Remember, sarah, if it wasn't for me you'd all be speaking English right now.

Sarah: So were you actually warning the guns themselves?

Paul: We were trying to prevent the British from getting their hands on our arms. We had four small cannon, about 3 inches or so, and stores of weapons in Concord that the enemy knew about.

Sarah: What about that whole "one if by sea, two if by land?" That's not it, is it. I never get that right, or "Fool me once, shame on me, fool me another time, and shame on me then, too."

Paul: We needed a way to let the colonists across the Charles River at Lexington know that the British were on the move. So in the steeple of the North Church we hung one lantern to let the patriots know that the British were coming over the bridge, and two lanterns to tell them that they were coming across the river by boat.

Sarah: What did NO lanterns mean?

Paul: That meant that we need two new lanterns over at the church.

Sarah: What were you wearing?

Paul: This sounds a little like a phone-sex call, Sarah.

Sarah: That's ridiculous. Did you have a shirt on? Was your horse nude??

Paul: I had on one of those colonial hats.

Sarah: And nothing else? Never mind. I once saw you in a band: Paul Revere and the Raiders.

Paul: Yes, that was me. The sons of bitches kicked me out and formed a football team.

Sarah: Speaking of sons of bitches, weren't you also in a group before then called the Sons of Liberty?

Paul: Yes. Me, Samuel Adams and many others organized protests and actions against the British, usually after quite a few beers. We were the ones who came up with the slogan, "No taxation without representation."

Sarah: Taxation even WITH representation kind of sucks. Did you know that Longfellow wrote a poem about you after your death?

Paul: Longfellow... Did you know his feet smell?

Sarah: Why, because of that little taunt?

Paul: What little taunt?

Sarah: Because of Longfellow's poem, everyone has all kinds of misinformation about you.

Paul: Like that I warned the British that the patriots were armed?

Sarah: Well that wasn't specifically mentioned. Mainly that you were the only one riding, and you were yelling and clanging bells and stuff.

Paul: By the way, what do you want to eat for lunch. I could eat a little Mexican, and in fact I have done so once on a dare.

Sarah: I would like a Caesar salad. And a Napoleon for dessert.

Paul: So tell me, Sarah, what's been going on since my death?

Sarah: Paul, you even can't begin to imaginate it.

Paul: No, but I bet YOU can. This should be infotaining....

Incidentally, Paul Revere and the Raiders was started by organist Paul Revere, whose name really was Paul Revere Dick. He kept the organ but eventually lost the Dick, and was joined singer Mark Lindsay. Their hit "Kicks" was reportedly written for the Animals, an anti-drug anthem ispired by Gerry Goffin's excessive lifestyle that cost him his marriage to Carole King, and his carreer as a songwriter.