HOUSE RULES

 ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (06-30-22)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     I love a weekend at the Jersey Shore, and if you go before the season sets in and starts to fester, you'll avoid the massive traffic jams on the Garden State Parkway. Now that "Juneteenth" is a three-day holiday weekend, you can expect massive traffic jams on the Garden State Parkway. Unless you leave somewhere around "June-tweenth." I'm going to design an app called "My Garden State Parkway Experience," similar to what they have at Disney World. You sign up for the time you want to be on the road, and if there are slots available, you're in business. I was going to call the app "Fast Pass," but the only thing that passes fast in holiday traffic is time. I while away the hours by trying to prevent people from overtaking me while we're all inching along. If they get ahead of me, I'm only going to have to wait for them on the ice cream line when we finally get to the shore.

     Our destination was Atlantic City, the REAL city that never sleeps. New York is a great town, but it is in bed early these days. A casino always has enough food and drinks nearby, any time of day or night, so that you can pull on the slot machine handle with one hand while you sign your check with the other.

     Which brings me to this new trend: every time you use a credit card now there's a three percent surcharge. Think of all the things you could buy if you took all those three percents and added them together. Whatever you buy with the money you saved, don't use your credit card or we'll have to start over. These days I carry a big wad of cash around as if I'm trying to impress you. Now that I've impressed you with the fact that I'm too cheap to pay three percent, let's go bicycling on the boardwalk!

     Five and a half miles, and NO hills, what's not to like? Safety first, so let's go through the rules posted on signs: "Be Prepared To Stop." I would add to that, "Be Prepared For The Fact That I'm Probably Not Paying Attention And Might Not Stop." Next, there is a picture of an animal with a red circle and line drawn through it. The animal looks like a sheep, but it probably was supposed to be a dog. I wouldn't bring a sheep, a dog or a sheepdog onto the boardwalk if I wanted to play it safe. There is "No Picnicing" allowed (not how I would spell it). What qualifies a bona fide picnic? Does it mean more than one person? What if I'm a few sandwiches short of a picnic? This seems like a dumb rule, so I draw a red circle with a line through it, expressly prohibiting the banning of picnics. What if it's just me, a sandwich and an open fire? Another rule is, "No Open Fires." Once you open one, it's hard to get it closed again. 

     We're ready to roll. We'll pass by all the properties on the 1935 "Monopoly" game board, the avenues named after U.S. states and color-coded based on rent values. Even after all these years there are still some raw wounds over on Connecticut Avenue. "Does this look like a light blue section of town to you? Why don't you take a ride over to South Carolina and see what goes on there if you want to see a hell-hole?"

     Now it's time to dip your toes in the water. Atlantic City beaches are free, but despite all this talk about global warming, the water temperature at the shore was noticeably colder than the ice machine on the 6th floor. Instead, we went to the indoor pool for a pleasant afternoon swim before heading over to the marina for a cocktail. When we got there the pool was brimming with small children who, in spite of being only 2-3 feet away from each other, emitted a series of ear-piercing shrieks that was possibly a special modified Morse code. This enabled them to communicate transcending the barriers of language. Eventually they settled on a game of "Marco Polo" that was so deafeningly loud that if they had been playing in his pool, I could understand why the explorer left a perfectly comfortable Venice to sail all the way to China.

     We set out in search of something quieter, like an earthquake. We bicycled across to the bay side, where there are a few more casino hotels. There aren't a whole lot of bike lanes in Atlantic City yet, so you have to share the road, and people in cars tend to share the road like I share chocolate. But once settled into the casino tiki bar, after three bloody Marys, it was quiet, relaxing and mood-fortifying. I didn't even mind that when the check came I had to pay an extra three percent to use my credit card. The house always wins.

LIFE UNSCRIPTED

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (06-23-22)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     When I'm watching a movie, and it isn't a very good movie, I sometimes think how different the dialogue would be if I were the one saying it. People have been trying to tell me what to say for years and years, and if someone could write me some better lines I might just let them. At least feed me some suitable film noir cliches and let me pretend that I'm in the cast. That way I get free food at the Craft Services table.

     The first thing I notice in this double-crossing, love-triangle, murder-for-hire plot is that there are two guys in fedoras smoking cigarettes in the alley. The one with the big nose says to me, "Well, if it isn't Rick Melén." And I say, "If it isn't we'll have to start all over." And he says to me, "Say, look here!" And I say, "Look here!" And he says, "Say, what's the big idea?" And I say, "What's the big idea," and he says, "Why, I oughta pulverize you!" I say, "Why? Well that's what I'd like to know: Why? I was just saying what you told me to." (In the script they say "why" before they say something that isn't a question.)

     It turns out that these two are bad guys, and the plot thickens in a surprisingly thin way. My Girl says, "We have to GO! There's no time to explain!" I say, "How long was your explanation going to be? Let's use the time to find doughnuts." As we're running she says, "There's no going back now." I say, "I left my phone- I have to go back," and she says, "I'm going with you." I say, "NO- it's too dangerous for us both to go. Just you go." 

     She comes back later with a phone, but it looks different than mine so I think she just took it from the prop guy. My Girl says enthusiastically, "I feel so ALIVE! Let's take this city and turn it upside down, just you and me! What do you say?" "That sounds great," I say, "but first I have to take a nap, hit the loo and empty some stuff out of the dryer."

     At this point the guy with the big nose catches up to me and says, "Well, Melén, it looks like it's just you and me." And I say, "Look, you can do what you want with me, within reason of course. But let the Girl go, she doesn't know anything." He says, "You must be joking," And I say, "Yes, I was just joking." And the scriptwriter throws the pages into the air and glares at the director again. By the way, at NO time after I've ever told an actual joke, has anyone has ever said, "You must be joking." 

     My Girl starts crying, and I politely offer her my handkerchief. I'm hoping she does not ask, "Did you already blow your nose on this?" Because then I would have to reply, "No, and please-" but it's too late, she is already blowing her nose with it. Wouldn't you know, my allergies are acting up and I have to blow my nose too, and now I'm at a loss and I look over at the screenwriter, who has his hand covering his face, shaking his head and making some notes.

     I tell Big Nose, "You JUST don't get it, do you?" My Girl says, "Is that in the script?" I say, no but my math teacher used to say that to me all the time and I thought it might come in handy here. He says, "You've wasted enough of my time. We can do this the easy way, or the hard way." I say, "That's what I used to tell the math teacher when he wouldn't let me use my calculator." Schnozz says, "You can't make this stuff up," and I say, "Another thing my math teacher wouldn't let me do. What high school did you go to?"

     He says, "Buddy, you're in the wrong place at the wrong time." I can't believe that just once I couldn't be more punctual, because even if I was in the wrong place at the right time I wouldn't be in this mess. He says, "This time, it's personal." And he cracks his knuckles. "Not on MY watch," I say, and I close both my eyes. When I open them a couple minutes later not much has changed. 

     Well, you get the point. I'm trying to think of it myself. I guess I would say: Life just isn't always as predictable as it is in the movies. Sometimes it feels like you're driving down a mountainside with a lot of hairpin turns, but someone has tampered with the brakes, rather than just shooting you in the previous scene. Right before the car goes down a cliff and erupts in flames, you manage to throw yourself out the car door, rolling for about five minutes until you're inexplicably right next to the car. In closing, I'd just like to say, "WATCH IT, SHE'S GONNA BLOW!"

THE BLUE DANUBE, PART II

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (06-16-22)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

The blue Danube, Part II
     Our next stop along the Danube River was Vienna, rich in culture, history, architecture and well, richness. Known as the "City of Music" or the "City of Dreams," it was home to many cultural movements and the people who furthered them, artistically, musically, politically and scientifically. The exchange of ideas took place often over an Einspänner coffee in the famous cafes that dot the Inner Ring. We went to one, and I was just about to pen an intellectual treatise when dessert came and I got distracted.
     When I first heard the words "Wiener Schnitzel," I just assumed it was a breed of dog, but when people told me how great it tasted, I realized that I had a lot to learn about continental cuisine. "Wien" means "Vienna" in German, so anything Wiener means anything Viennese. "Schnitzel" means "meat" so the schnitzeler the better, as far as I'm concerned.
     As we walked around the impressive St. Stephen's Cathedral and the majestic Hofburg, our tour guide assured us she was going to tell us the REAL story of Vienna, not what you heard in "The Sound of Music." I guess that means that the hills were not really alive, it was just movie trickery.
     There is a big statue of Mozart in the Burggarten park that is a popular tourist attraction. In spite of the fact that he died here at the young age of 35, his more than 800 works of all types make him one of the most prolific and revered artists in the history of music. It inspired me to get going and compose a few hundred works, and if they ever decide to erect a statue in my honor, my biggest fear is that they'll come to their senses and abandon the project before it is fully erect.
     At the Albertina Museum we took in works from various modern movements as represented by artists from Monet to Picasso. I think my favorites were Monet and Paul Signac, who made quite an impression on me, but I should have expected that. There are always a few paintings that look like they were created by pouring ketchup onto a plate of pureed vegetables, and they hang them up there just to make me wonder what it was like to go to dinner with one of these guys.
     At night we attended a small concert of Mozart and Johann Strauss Jr.'s greatest hits, and it was a pleasure to hear them with the instruments unmiked, as they originally sounded. A story is told that women were so enamored of the handsome Strauss' hair that they demanded locks of it as a keepsake. Once he had too little hair to part with he enlisted the help of a poodle, and the swatches were so popular that he ran out of poodle before he ran out of canoodle.
     As we sailed on, I was looking forward to arriving in Budapest, because it takes the pressure off me if a place's name already has the word "pest" in it. The city was populated by Celtics, became part of the Roman Empire, was taken over by the Hungarians, pillaged by the Mongols, and when the Ottomans took over in 1525, everyone figured they could put their feet up and relax, but that was not the case. When we arrived, the townspeople saw the word "Viking" written right on the boat and they looked absolutely crestfallen, thinking they were going to get sacked again. But we came in peace, if you don't include me.
     The cities of Buda and Pest were united in 1873, although they had been giving each other goo-goo eyes across the river for so many years that it became embarrassing. It's a lovely place that marries old-world charm with innovation and technology. The view from Fisherman's Bastion on Castle Hill on the Buda side is a wide panorama of the Danube as it rushes past the Pest side. The splendid Buda Castle guards the city, and the Matthias Church dates back to the 14th century.
     The fact that world cities like Budapest were around for centuries while America was still in diapers should tell you how much we have to learn about how fleeting power can be, and how one's position in the world is something not to be taken lightly and never to be taken for granted. Once you exit the world stage the vacuum will be quickly filled, and if you want to get a glimpse of what that will look like, try emptying your vacuum bag and see for yourself.

THE BLUE DANUBE, PART I

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (06-09-22)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     This week I'm coming to you from a cruise on the beautiful blue Danube River, the second-longest river in Europe only to the Volga. I would tell you the source of the Danube, but as a journalist I cannot reveal my sources. But first we had to get on a plane, and I'm a little out of practice.

     We had to schedule a covid test before our flight, so I was on pins and needles waiting for the results. Since I hadn't been feeling like myself for about a week I was concerned, but luckily, whoever I WAS feeling like didn't have covid. It was probably just the pins and needles. When we got to the airport there was a sign that said, "Cannot Scan Multiple Faces," so if you're a two-faced scoundrel you might get through the line faster.

     I'm not one to spend a fortune on accomodations when I'm on vacation, and I don't think I've ever stayed at a hotel that was Michelin-rated. I'm not even sure my snow tires are Michelin-rated. But I did open up the piggy bank for this cruise, and it was worth it. Our vessel was a 190-passenger longboat with 50 crew. Because of the resurgence of covid, masks were required on board the ship when we were not eating. However, because of the abundance of food, we were almost always eating.

     We embarked from the city of Regensburg in Germany, a lovely place whose dubious claim to fame is that World War II ended just before it was to be bombed. The Stone Bridge across the Danube there was begun in 1135 AD and is a wonder of medieval architecture. It has 16 arches and is over 1,000 feet long, and it's a great place for a selfie and a view of the city. It took 11 years to build, maybe because they were trying to get Mexico to pay for it.

     St. Peter's Cathedral is an impressive example of authentic gothic style, with its twin spires jutting almost 350 feet in the air. If you're lost, just look for the church in the distance, and if you're soul is lost, you can kill two birds with one stone. A church this beautiful puts a lot of pressure on the saint that it's named after- you'd better be cathedral-worthy. For all you saints out there hoping to get a nice church named after you, don't get a Spiderman tattoo, or walk around eating Cocoa Puffs from the box, or anything like that, or you're going to get stuck with a service station named after you on the turnpike. 

     Our next stop in Bavaria was Passau, known as the "City of Three Rivers:" the Inn, the Danube and the Ilz Rivers forming a confluence at the eastern end of the city. There are examples of cannonballs made of granite displayed around the city, possibly those used by the bishop against invading parties and even against the land-owning burgher class of their own territory. Historically, it's much easier to capture a bishop on a chess board, where he can only move diagonally. 

     The magnificent St. Stephen's Cathedral is a paragon of Baroque style, and boasts one of the largest organs in the world (which is itself one of the best boasts in the world). Passau prospered with the shipping of salt on the Danube. It's a testimonial to how important the Danube was to trade in Europe's early history, and also a testimonial to how boring the food was.

     And then it was back on board, cruising toward Vienna, stopping only for some of the 16 locks along the route. The Danube flows down from Regensburg toward Budapest, so in order to keep the river navigable, it is kept at different elevations. Watching the administration of the first lock is cool to watch, as you see the water pumped out and the boat sinking to the lower flow. The rest are simply dull, and I think it would save everyone a lot of time if these locks were shipped down to the Florida Keys where they could be opened faster.

     Stopping at Krems in Austria, we took an e-bike tour through the picturesque Wachau Valley. We had never ridden an e-bike before, and it took all the effort out of the equation so we could concentrate on seeing the sights. I was hoping to tour the Black Forest so that I could see cake in its natural habitat, but it was much farther west. I liked the tour so much I wonder if the exercise cycle we have in the basement comes in e-bike?

     We rode effortlessly through postcard setting. Picture in your mind a lovely vista, with stepped, hillside vineyards, seedlings already starting, ruins from a 12th century castle in the distance. Can you see it? See that thing in the corner? I'm not sure what that is, but we can edit it out later. I'll be back next week with part two of the travelogue!

TERMS AND CONDITIONS

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (06-02-22)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     Look, I know you're going to laugh at me, ridicule me and call me names. I've been called so many names that people sometimes use a first name, a last name and even a middle name. And the reason you'll probably make fun of me is that I almost never use my cell phone, and I like it that way. Usually it has been more time-consuming to learn how to live in the smart phone culture than to just do things the way I always have in Mesozoic Era. Also, I hate the idea of living a one-dimensional life through a tiny little box. I like to turn on the TV and feel powerful pointing the remote control mute button at "cute" little kids on public service charity ads. I like to read a book, lose my bookmark and not remember where I was. I like to use a real camera and incorrectly adjust the F-stop. I like to pick up a newspaper, read a little bit of it, then swat a bug with it and say, "THERE- the news is worse for YOU for a change."

     But in order to be more aligned with the annoying real world, I recently got a new phone. The guy at the phone store helped me out. "I'm not very good with cell phones," I admitted. "I tried to answer my wife's phone and couldn't figure out how." "Did you swipe it?" He asked. I said, "No, I just borrowed it." He typed away at his computer. "Do you have a plan?" He asked. I said, "Yes, of course I do." He pressed, "Which one?" I had never been asked this before. I said, "Well, first I think we need to address global warming, and during the winter, global cooling. Once we get the temperature just right-" Turns out he was talking about a data plan. "Do you have contacts?" He asked. I said, "Yes but just for reading, distance, and reading at a distance." He meant phone contacts, he was going to transfer them to my new phone, where they could do even more harm than before.

     My new phone has a feature where you can sign in using your fingerprint. It's perfect, since I'm already used to signing in that way down at the police station. But what if somebody else has stolen my fingerprints? Can I set my phone up to do a quick DNA test to make sure I'm really me? Instead I set the phone up using my toe print- no one would be dumb enough to go to those lengths.

     It was becoming apparent that I had no idea how to use the phone. There are no instruction books any more. If you have a question, such as "how the hell does this work?" you have to go and join the online community, and if anyone knows they answer they'll sort of tell you. I'm reluctant to burden the community with my problems. I want them to always think of me in the best light and perhaps erect a statue in my honor next to the post office. Plus, if I ask too many questions I'll probably have to "give back to the community."

     On my laptop I hover over an icon and a label pops up to tell me what it does, but they apparently didn't think of that when they designed the phone. So I keep trying different ones until a message flashes on the screen that says, "ALL IMPORTANT INFORMATION NOW DELETED." There is no message that says, "Are you sure you want to do this?" (Ordinarily I hit the "yes" box.) And then a new message comes up: "Maybe you want to check with someone smarter first?" (I hit the "no" box.) "Do you remember what happened the last time you did this?" (I hit the "was it necessary to remind me of that?" box.)

     I'm 6-foot-two and I have big dumb fingers that were not meant to perform delicate tasks like diamond cutting, assembling semiconductor micro-processors or typing text messages on a tiny phone keypad. Instead, I wanted to use the little microphone icon so that I can just tell you my text out loud, and when you read it you can transpose it in your head back into my voice so you can hear it. If there's a stranger listening in I add the sentence, "...And the cops aren't going to know where the body is unless they find this phone." So just disregard that part of my text message to you. But when I tried to use the microphone, a notification notified me that my permissions weren't set correctly. So I had to figure out who I needed permission from. My parents aren't here anymore, and that's whose name I would usually use to forge a permission slip at school. "Please excuse Rick from doing anything that includes math today. Take it from our experience, this can be time-consuming for the entire class, and in the end, of no long-term benefit to any of the parties concerned. Trigonometrically yours, Rick's Parents."

    I'd love to chat more but I have to finish reading the "Terms and Conditions," which clearly state that the terms and conditions agreed upon in the "Terms and Conditions" are conditionally agreed upon under the terms required by those outlined in the "Terms and Conditions."