WARM REGARDS

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (08-01-19)

     Did you survive the heat wave? A heat wave officially occurs when temperatures top 90 degrees for three days in a row, and last weekend was so hot that you could fry an egg on the street. I've never fried an egg on the street because I can't figure out how to make toast on the street to go with it. But I remember when I was a kid one of my friends told me to take a magnifying glass and hold it up to the sun. I couldn't believe how big the sun looked, but then my eye started to get really hot.

     The Heat Index is a statistic that measures temperature plus humidity in the shade, and it's found right next to the Heat Bibliography. Americans love statistics, it's true. It's estimated that 54.7 percent of Americans over the age of 2.3 love statistics. I just estimated it myself based on my knowledge of Americans under the age of 2.3.

     When it gets this hot you should be aware of the warning symptoms of heat stroke, which include dizziness, rapid heartbeat, disorientation and rapid breathing. Unfortunately these are also the warning signs of falling in love, according to most songs written in the 1950s. So learn to tell the difference, and don't date anyone who's really HOT during a heat wave unless you have your affairs in order.

     It can be a serious situation, so I'm offering some important tips to stay safe during this sweltering weather. 1.) Avoid strenuous activity, which includes basically anything your wife tells you to do. Reschedule arduous tasks such as taking out the garbage until conditions are more favorable, such as your wife doing it herself. I ordered a new air conditioner for the heat wave, but the thing weighs a ton, so I'm postponing removing it from my trunk until such time as I don't need it anymore. 2.) Stay in the coolest place you can. Meaning George Clooney's house in Lake Como if there's a spare room. 3.) Avoid eating high-protein foods like meat, which can create body heat during digestion, whereas carbohydrates use less energy to process. I hear Take Five chocolate bars are harmful during a heat wave, so dispose of them properly by sending them to Rick Melén, care of the Somers Record. 4.) Drink plenty of fluids, even if you're not thirsty. This is a great reason to stop at the liquor store on your way to the heat wave. 5.) Avoid alcoholic beverages. Wow, didn't see that coming, so thank goodness tip number 5 falls after tip number 4.

     Why don't you go jump in a lake? Well I'll tell you why: It's because several lakes in our area have sustained algae blooms that have resulted in high counts of dangerous bacteria. This is a phenomenon that happens periodically when there is a lot of rainfall and hot weather, and the bacteria get so hot that they decide to skinny-dip in the lake. 20,000 cells per milliliter is considered safe, but I like to take a microscope swimming with me and check it out for myself. I counted 18,764 cells and then somebody yelled "RICK! Your paramecium is showing!" and I lost count and had to start over. The DEP said that there were 212,000 cyanobacteria cells per milliliter in Greenwood Lake recently, and even the bacteria were complaining that it was unsafe.

     My friends went to the beach on that hot, hot Saturday, and I'm not sure I would even want to go when it's that hot. You'll singe out there, so you literally HAVE to go in the water, and then what if there's a shark sighting or something? I read somewhere that the odds of you being attacked by a shark are one in 3.8 million, so I wouldn't stress about it. But the odds go up dramatically if you actually ARE being attacked by a shark. I can just see myself broiling away on the beach, and the sharks are out there snickering because they know I'm gonna have to come in sooner or later. So now I'm trying to remember how to survive a shark attack. I always heard that you're supposed to punch it in the nose, but punching a nose underwater in slow motion is going to be way less effective than waiting for it to come up for air then nailing him with a good combination. I jab left in the right nostril then uppercut right in the left nostril, and blam! This guy is never going to smell me again. One expert says you should poke it in the eye, but first of all, a shark's eye is a really tiny target. Second, I want him to recognize me as the guy that punched him in the nose. If I sock him in the nose, poke him in the eye and then stick my finger in his ear, this hammerhead is going to have to be the Helen Keller of sharks to win this fight and then I'll have to trash-talk to him in Braille.

     Even if I survive the shark attack, what about a riptide? All of a sudden, me AND the shark are being pulled downshore by a dangerous cross current. I know that you're supposed to swim PARALLEL to the shore to escape the riptide, information that I'm betting the shark does not know. So I trick him into swimming perpendicular to the shore, and he gets sucked down into the deep blue sea and drowns, and I escape, a modern-day legend. This is why my wife won't go swimming with me at the beach.

     I'll stay on the shore where the odds of me being attacked by a shark while doing the Times puzzle are approximately four trillion to one. I play the part of the one. If the shark is that consumed with me, let him pop up on the beach and well, consume me. Before he does, maybe he knows a four-letter word that means Hawaiian goose.

PHYSICAL EDUCATION

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (07-25-19)

     I just had my annual physical, and every year my statistics get worse and worse. My blood pressure is not as great as it used to be, I'm not as tall as I once was, my cholesterol is higher, my temperature is lower, I'm a bit heavier and I don't have as many hits with runners in scoring position. Plus, my co-payment keeps going up, meaning that each bit of discouraging news costs me more and more each year. 

     It's obvious that I need to do better- my health depends on it. I have to make some changes, and the first thing I need to do is to start gaming the numbers before I even show up at the doctor's office. My temperature was 97.5 degrees, so next year I'm going to microwave my pants before I go for my appointment. For my cholesterol I'm going to eat so many Brussels sprouts that it lifts Belgium's gross national product. I'm going to pound a whole bottle of vitamin C and then I'm going to bench press a Buick and then I'm going to do goat yoga so I can RELAX and if that damned goat says one word about it I'm going to- listen, I'm a little wound up here about my numbers, but I think I'll be okay in a few minutes.

     I don't know what's going to happen to my health care in the future, and that's when I'm going to need a good deal more of it. Some Democrats favor a "single-payer" model for health care. I don't know much about it, but the single-payer model would have to be awfully wealthy and generous, whoever she is. I don't want to have to argue with her about every little test I need done. And some medical issues are not that flattering, so I'm not even going to mention to my single-payer model that I had a bunionette, lest she laugh at me then not pay for it. Republicans favor a "Health Care For All Except For Sick People" approach, which is cheaper and doesn't require anyone to actually do anything.

     My doctor is kind of old school, which I like. He goes over my medical history with me, then uses a hands on approach to see for himself what a mess I am. For instance, he asks me about my two knee surgeries, and then hits me in the knee with that little hammer. Then he asks me how's my hearing, and when I say, "What?" He knows it's fine. He looks in my ear, and makes a face that I assume means that there is a family of grackles nesting there. Then he sticks the tongue depressor down my throat, and my tongue has been feeling a little down in the mouth, so I guess it worked.

     Then he asks me if anything's bothering me, and I say yeah: why do the Yankees keep signing home run hitters when what they really need is a starting pitcher? Maybe that's what's making me shorter and causing my cholesterol to go up, but my doctor says that they're probably unrelated. He has more questions. Do I use alcohol? Only for drinking purposes, I assure him. Do I smoke? Only when I try to do math. Any amnesia in my family? I can't remember.


     He told me I should get the shingles vaccination, because it's more effective than it used to be and shingles are painful. I know there are people out there who think that vaccinations are some kind of conspiracy, or can actually cause a dose of the malady that they are trying to eradicate. This is usually a case of dim bulbs listening to other dim bulbs. These are people who also believe that vaccine is spelled with two "x"es. I'm no genius, and I thought "eradicate" was spelled with two "r"s, but I'm smart enough to let doctors do what they do, and I'll do what I do, whatever that is.

     The nurse came in and told me she was going to give me the shingles shot in the deltoid. I said, "Great! I've never been to Mississippi! I'll meet you down there!" But before I could make it out the door she jammed the thing in my arm, then told me there were a few side effects. I don't suppose crying is one of them but it certainly should be.

     Now the other nurse comes in for my blood work. "Have you fasted?" She asks. I assure her that if anything, I have slowed. Then she tells me to lie down and attaches a bunch of electronic probes to different parts of my body. "This thing can't tell if I'm lying, right?" It's possible that I may have fudged the numbers on my alcohol usage. By the way, the things you say to an EKG nurse may proportionately affect how fast she rips off the adhesive tapes that hold the electronic probes onto your body.

     So if you haven't had your physical this year, make an appointment right now, because heart attacks aren't for the faint of heart. If this column convinces just one person to check their cholesterol numbers and they come back over 250, I'll feel good, because their numbers are worse than mine. I'll get my own test results back in a few weeks, and my wife sees the mail before I do, so until she does I'll be hiding out at Dairy Queen.
 

YOUR MAINE MAN

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (07-18-19)

     This week I'm reporting from Wells in the beautiful state of Maine, which is so named because, well, no one's actually sure how Maine got its name. We passed the Maine Department of Motor Vehicles along the way, so perhaps it's named after that. Its nickname is "The Pine Tree State," and its State Animal is the moose. The State Insect is the honey bee and the State Soil is Chesuncook soil (I did not make that up). The State State is molysmophobia (fear of soil). Okay, that I mostly made up. But it all adds up to a beautiful and friendly vacation destination not too far to visit once in a while.

     While I was sleeping in the car on the way (I wasn't driving at the time), the GPS decided to pull the old switcheroo and take us an exit north of the hotel for its own reasons, so that when we got on our bicycles to head over to the Crab Shack for dinner I made a left thinking I was going south. My wife said, "Why is the sun setting in the east?" I said, "This is Maine, I don't know how the hell they do things up here." People do do things a little differently in Maine. But now my confidence in finding the Crab Shack was shaken, so we stopped to ask somebody. "Crab Shack? You can't miss it, it's about a mile on the right, but it doesn't say 'Crab Shack' on it, everybody just knows it, and even the crabs know it. Tell you what you do, you look for Indian Rock, it's on the left, plain as day. Once you get to Indian Rock, you went about 13 miles too far."

     By the time we made it to the Crab Shack I was hot and sweaty, so I figured a margarita would be the perfect prescription. The side of the glass is coated with salt, so you can jack your blood pressure all the way up, then look like a hero when you cure yourself by getting to the bottom of the glass, so relaxed you don't even care about your molysmophobia anymore. I don't want to brag but my blood pressure is 100/70 so my liver will give out from drinking margaritas way before I have a heart attack. Since 100/70 = 1.4285714, why isn't that my blood pressure number?

     The next day was perfect for the beach. I like to be fully entertained at the beach at all times, so I have to load up the bicycles with a whole bunch of entertaining gear. I have a knapsack with some Kadima paddles, the crossword puzzle, a book, the newspaper, sunscreen, a hat and the radio. I need the beach umbrella, a wind screen, the beach chairs and some deep sea fishing equipment. I like two towels, one to dry off and one to prop up my head, and of course the cooler for drinks and a bag with lunch and snacks in it. When we finally got unpacked and settled in, the waves were starting to lap at my feet. Before the waves were lapping at my lap we had to move three times and we were almost at the sea wall.

     We Googled high tide, which was at 2:55PM, and it was only two o'clock. I asked somebody if there are any beaches in Wells at 2:55PM. "No, there's no beaches here at 2:55PM, but there's one about 12 miles north. Do you know were Indian Rock is? 'Course by the time you get there it'll be low tide and you'll need to walk about a mile to get to the water." We went back to Wells Beach and sat on a bunch of seaweed near the access road until 2:56.

     The Front Porch in Ogunquit is a nice place for dinner. The piano bar upstairs was packed, but we've been to some quiet piano bars in our time. The only thing quieter than a quiet piano bar is a pianissimo bar. If its too slow try this: the next song the guy plays, think of whatever you thought the lyrics were when you were a kid. I fully admit to being an idiot, and even more idiotic when I was a young idiot. I thought the first verse to Led Zeppelin's "Whole Lotta Love" started with, "You need Kool-Aid, baby I'm not foolin'." I was a kid, I was thirsty and I needed Kool-Aid, and I'm not foolin'. So here's what you do: take out your phone and type in "Led Zeppelin lyrics: you need..." and let your browser's auto-complete tell you if any other people are as dumb as you. They are! I guarantee you will have a laugh and people will think you had too many margaritas or too few. By the way it's no fair searching "Excuse me while I kiss this guy" a hundred times in advance just to make it seem like everybody else didn't know the correct lyrics to "Purple Haze" either.

     If you bring your dog to Wells, you can check out the Rachel Carson National Wildlife Refuge. We had our dog Gidget with us on a picturesque loop walk through a tidal estuary and salt marsh, with lovely overlooks to stop and eat lunch and be at one with nature, four with nature counting all of us. You might see a piping plover, or a peregrine falcon or a bald eagle. We didn't see any, but to be fair they didn't see us either. The peaceful scenery more than makes up for it.

      You can't go to these parts without savoring a Maine lobster, which by the way is the State Crustacean (I did not make that up). Sometimes you can pick one right out of the tank in the restaurant. You can choose the one you want to die. Pick one that's fat and juicy, or one that looks guilty of a heinous crime, or one that refused to clean its room. The next time you see it it's dead as a doornail, and you can proceed to dismember it limb by limb using a pair of pliers, after an accomplice gives you a bib to attempt to hide the evidence. I hope I'm not ruining it for you. The only thing that should ruin it for you is your acute case of kabourophobia. 

A MASS DEBATE

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (07-11-19)

     Last week the Democratic presidential candidates got together and contested the issues in front of a national audience. Because there are 25 candidates throwing their hat into the ring, each one had to answer the questions in 60 seconds, and they had to have a tiny hat. Most answered in 140 characters or less, and that's why some saved time by saying "U" instead of saying "you," or "2" instead of "two." Why are there so many candidates for the Democratic nomination? The short answer is that it sounds better to be considered a "Presidential hopeful" than to be considered hopeless at whatever you're doing now. An even shorter answer is "The."

     Another reason is that right now the bar for being a president is set pretty low. You can't even limbo under it, you have to just hop right over it. So everyone want's a piece of the action, and it's a diverse field, so diverse that no one knows how to pronounce anybody's name. There are women, there are old men, there are black people, beige people, medium sepia people, Native American people, gay people, transgender people and people from Mars. I'm just kidding, there are no transgender people. Last I heard, anyway.

     What are the issues? Immigration is one. Trump says the country is "full," and doesn't want it to get a stomach-ache by ingesting any more immigrants. He also wants to build a wall across the southern U.S. border to prevent American companies from moving to Mexico. The Democrats say a wall is stupid, and favor a huge set of Venetian blinds.

     Global warming will continue to be a flashpoint for Democrats, and despite its recent popularity on the debate stage, it's nothing new. Climate change science dates all the way back to 1963, when Martha and the Vandellas accurately predicted, "It's like a heat wave, burning in my heart." Trump has reduced the existential threat to the planet to a hoax perpetrated by the Chinese, and to address the issue he's placed a tariff on all hoaxes coming into the U.S. from China.

     One thing Democrats aren't talking about is the economy, which is certainly at a high point. Trump has to get some credit for that. And if he doesn't get enough credit he can certainly apply for more at Deutsche Bank.

     What should you look for in the next debate? Beats me, I was watching a debate once because "Forensic Files" wasn't on for some reason, and President Obama was calmly dismantling his opponent's argument, point by point, and I'm thinking, this guy has actually brushed up on the subject. And then I read the next day that the "pundits" said he lost the debate because he wasn't "fiery." Fiery is a synonym for "annoying" and has nothing to do with anything. Remember when Trump stalked around the stage behind Hillary Clinton at the debates trying to get himself into every shot? Your goofy kid brother did the same thing and ruined all the family photos, and no one ever accused him of being presidential material. After every term I'd like a phone call from the President that says please take this short survey so that I may better serve you, and then I can have the satisfaction of hanging up as usual.

     If the Democrats win the election, who will be the next First Lady? Or who will be the first next lady? Will the First Lady be a man? Will he or she embrace the role? The elegant Melania Trump initiated an initiative called "Be Best," which focuses on getting people to, well, I actually have no idea what it's for. "Be Best" might not be the most grammatically correct initiative, but don't worry, it's only a shortened version. The full name of the program is "Be the Bestest As What You Can Doing."

     Will the next president undo all of Trump's Executive orders? "Executive" and "order" don't have much in common these days. The next time Trump signs an Executive order and holds it up to the camera as proof that he wrote something, take a good look at his signature. It looks like the results of a polygraph test that he himself flunked.

     The Democrats have a long road ahead of them. Some say there will be a "civil war" within the party but I disagree. There will be a war, all right, but I doubt it will be very civil. Some of the candidates moved so far to the left during the contest that they came all the way around on the other side of the stage.

     The next two nights of debates are scheduled at the end of July, and to be in them you must have at least one percent of support in three qualifying polls AND have a pulse rate of over 20 beats per minute. Anything over 60 will be seen as showing off, and could affect your popularity. Supposedly there are TWELVE debates scheduled. By that time the candidates will be arguing over whether they heard "laurel" or "yanni."

FATHER’S DAY AT THE SHORE

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (07-03-19)

      If you live in the Northeast, why would you ever need to get on a plane to go on vacation in the summer when the Jersey Shore is right there in your back yard? It's so much nicer than my real back yard, which consists of a green-colored substance that I refer to as "grass" but others might refer to as "I can recommend a good landscaper but I can't picture this ever being a good landscape." Plus some ant hills owned by ants that can't really afford to live anywhere else. The good news is that there are no sharks that I know of. Every year we spend Father's Day weekend in Ocean City, New Jersey with my sisters, their spouses and whatever kids are around at the time. It's a great way to get together and spend time with family. Is there anything more important than that? Yes there is: Where are we going to eat for dinner?

      There are about 14 of us, and they're all related to me, so draw your own conclusions. We need a restaurant that can accommodate all of us, has decent food and hasn't yet heard that I carry a retractable trick fork that extends about 30 inches so I can reach across the table and steal my niece's dinner roll. Our reputation precedes us and I just saw it go down 9th Street, so we need something on West Avenue.

      Ocean City is a dry town. There's water, water everywhere, but not a drop to drink of alcohol. So we have to venture back across the bridge to Somers Point if we're going to get a cocktail with dinner. It's ironic that I travel all the way from Somers to Somers Point to get a drink. The town of Somers Point was named after John Somers, the first European settler in the region. He operated a ferry that ran across the bay to Cape May County, and his grandson was Captain Richard Somers, for whom the town of Somers is named. It's doubtful that Richard Somers ever set foot in the place, but the founding fathers of this town were looking for a war hero, and World War II hadn't been invented yet. Captain Richard Somers died a hero's death when he outfitted his ship Intrepid as a floating firebomb and sailed into Tripoli Harbor to blow up the pirate ships that were blockading merchant traffic and screwing up our economy. President Thomas Jefferson could have filled you in better than I can, but the ship exploded prematurely, accomplishing its mission but killing Somers and his crew. What has this got to do with dinner? Well it took so long to explain that now I'm famished.

     The next day at the amusement park, dads ride for free on Father's Day! I'm not a real Dad, it's true, but I play the role of Dad to three four-legged creatures and several five-finned ones. I'm a bit of a disciplinarian, and when I say "sit," I just sit down myself because no one else will. I can safely say that I would have made a great Dad, but if I actually had to be one it probably wouldn't be as safe.

      I got ride-shamed into going on the Log Flume by my brother-in-law Paul. The ticket-taker got a little suspicious and asked which one of us was "Dad." Paul is a few years older than me so he had to suck it up and be "Dad" but he didn't look pleased about it, and I was afraid I would have to mow his lawn for a couple weeks if the ticket-taker decided to check up on us. I guess that meant my sister had to be my "Mom," my other sisters were "Aunts" and all of a sudden I was in the movie "Chinatown." By the way, I am not a thrill-seeker and even the ride with the helicopters and airplanes that doesn't have a height requirement makes me a little ill. So I would have been fine if my "Dad" wanted to throw a football around instead.

      My other brother-in-law Bill said he would ride the GaleForce roller coaster, and that's something I wanted to see. It rises 125 feet into the air, then it comes back down at a 90-degree angle, and then actually goes concave on you. If you're still at all conscious you ride upside down for a while, then the ride comes to a stop for part of a second before it rolls backward to a gentle stop. Why stop there? Why don't they just launch you into outer space on a bungee cord, snap you back so that you bounce off the Earth a couple times, remove four of your teeth without anesthesia and then make you watch a Trump campaign rally? Bill rode the thing and said it was fine, although while we were talking it looked like he was re-attaching his esophagus to his epiglottis.

     My wife gets me my traditional Father's Day Blizzard from Dairy Queen. Is it okay to use the word Queen anymore? There has been a lot of talk about what pronouns to use when referring to people these days, and I have some questions. My first question is, what's a pronoun again? This is National Pride Month, and the thing is, not everybody falls into the two categories of "man" and "woman" that questionnaires would like you to fit into. Guess what, they NEVER did, and now people are talking about it a little more and taking charge of their own descriptors and their own identities.

     I will admit that when I first heard the term "LGBTQ" I thought it was a subway line. After a week of not getting to work on time, I realized that there was a whole world of gray areas out there, and I'm going to just sit back and let people be themselves. I'll do my part by being myself, since no one else seems willing to do it.