CORONAVIRUS, WE'LL MISS YOU

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (05-13-21)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic 

 

     If a few people can get just a little smarter than they seem to be at the moment, pretty soon this pandemic is going be a wistful memory, and we are going to be nostalgic about it, maybe even a little misty-eyed. Surely I jest, but jest a minute, now. There is no way to minimize the personal horrors of this plague, especially to those who have left behind loved ones, those who have lost loved ones and those who have caught the disease themselves. People who have lost their homes and livelihoods will be holding the door open for the coronavirus when it finally leaves.

 

     But there is no denying that there have been good things that have come out of a world in lock-down for well over a year. For instance, one estimate from a climate-monitoring group is that global emissions of greenhouse gases fell by 5.5 percent during the pandemic. The figure is much greater than it seems, caused by fewer people driving to workplaces that were shuttered, and of course fewer people going to greenhouses. Species of animals that haven't been seen for years are coming out of the woodwork during this unusual time. Hoping to reverse that trend in our own home, I'm thinking of installing more woodwork.

 

     I am one of six Melén children, and we have never in our history interacted all together as siblings as we have in the past year. Every two weeks we get together for a zoom meeting, where we recount the trials and tribulations of growing up in an underprivileged neighborhood in Chappaqua. We retell all the old stories, like the one about how I stole a Briggs and Stratton engine from the cement mixer of a local builder to put on my mini-bike. In all honesty, it's possible that the cement mixer went faster. Or the one about my sister's good fortune in breaking her leg on a makeshift ski slope at the high school, only to have the star quarterback whisk her off the slopes in his arms. During the call my sister Anne's cat crawls onto her shoulder and starts eating one of her ears. It's cute, but she only heard the left side of the mini-bike story.

 

     If you wanted to sell your Westchester home last year, you were in for a nice surprise, as real estate prices in the area skyrocketed. If you then went to buy a house in Florida, you were in for a rude awakening, as real estate prices in the area skyrocketed. A weird cocktail of covid calamities have been a godsend in some industries and made a ghost town of others. 

     What are the long-term effects of not being able to be yelled at in person by the boss? It loses its bite over Zoom with a bad internet connection. "Sorry Mr. Chidewell but I only heard every other word. Did you say my work was woefully horrendous or notably stupendous? And while I have you I need to submit a bill for my ink-jet cartridges. No, sir, I did not say 'pink pet partridges.'" Those days may be coming to an end.

     What are the long-term effects of cats on corporate Zoom meetings? "I got so used to having my cat around during our weekly Zooms that I'll be bringing him to our live meetings now. He's an emotional support cat," I share with the group. "Wow, so he helps you get through the day?" And I reply, "No, actually it's the other way around. If I don't emotionally support him, he wets my morning paper and puts a damper on the news. He's getting better- as you can see he has knocked everyone's pens off the table, and I think you'll all agree that when I use the laser pointer he will make our sluggish sales this quarter seem much more fun."

 

     The air is heavy with drama, fear and expectation, like a reality show with Kardashians in it, only with realer reality. Will people remember how to work a water cooler? The bar we used to go to around the corner after work is under new ownership- will they finally fix the toilet? Gone will be the days when you can go to the refrigerator during work hours, and the half a candy bar you put in there yesterday will still be there today because your wife won't eat anything bad for you. Which reminds me, I left some Chinese food in the fridge at work on March 12th 2020, I hope it's still good. We're embarking on a new "new normal" now, which means that I am going to have to embark on a new abnormal.

FOOD CHAIN MIGRAINE

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (05-06-21)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     My wife forwarded me an email from the Westchester Department of Health that says that they are offering FREE minnows to put in your ornamental pond. Apparently the minnows eat the mosquito larvae that spawn in the water and grow into man-eating, six-legged monsters that prey upon innocent women and children, although I have never known any innocent children. I don't have an ornamental pond, but how is the Department of Health going to know that? I just can't resist anything that's free. I have a whole drawer full of key chains that were given away FREE at every event I've ever been to. And I just have to order anything on TV when the commercial says, "AND, if you order NOW, you can get a second one TOTALLY FREE!" I do a somersault in glee: WOW! TOTALLY FREE! After I injure myself with the somersault the guy says, "Just pay a separate fee." Wait, what? I'm thinking of releasing the minnows into my drawer and seeing if they'll eat some of those key chains.

     Anyway, mosquitoes are more than just annoying, they can carry the West Nile virus, which causes fever or in rare cases, meningitis. They must have released minnows into the East Nile, because you never hear a word from them. You've probably already tried a bunch of things to get rid of mosquitoes at your party, and all they did was get rid of the party. But you can get up to 250 pounds of minnows, and maybe that will work. I don't know if you can pick the ones you want, but I would choose just one 250-pounder that looks like he never missed a meal.

     If it goes wrong though, don't come crying to me. We have some mice in the winter, and you'd think that cats would be the perfect solution to the problem. But not only are the cats completely uninterested in anything that might make us happy, like chasing away mice, but they have plenty of unflattering habits themselves. I would argue that the mice are better behaved, better trained and more civilized than the cats, but I'd have no one to argue it with. So we got a dog to keep the cats from a life of crime, but the dog has its own agenda and the cats aren't on it. So we got a dog trainer to help, and now we have to pay the dog trainer to keep the dog in check. It's not like we can unleash a lion to keep the dog trainer from sending us bills, but the thought has crossed my mind.

     What I'm saying is that if you go down the path of altering the balance of nature, you may live to regret it, and if you don't live you'll regret it even more. I remember when we visited some friends  in Vermont, and the town had introduced ladybugs into the ecosystem to help control the aphid population. "Ladybug, ladybug, fly away home! Your house is on fire, your children are gone!" I sing. (Hardly any reason to go back home, I guess.) And before anyone knew it there were ladybugs all over the place and they had an infestation on their hands.

     If Charles Darwin were alive today what would he say about it? To be honest with you, Darwin's theory of evolution never impressed me that much. It's a slight improvement on the Adam and Eve story which I never could make heads or tails of, with the spare ribs and snakes and apples I guess. But if humans evolved from one-celled organisms, why are there still one-celled organisms? It's embarrassing for all concerned that there are still more one-celled organisms on Earth than there are humans. And if everything on Earth eats everything else, why hasn't the world been taken over by Brussels sprouts, which have no natural enemies that we know of?

     I sure hope there isn't any truth to the evolution idea, because what if something evolves that is smarter, bigger and stronger than humans, and it happens to notice that we're destroying our own habitat by burning fossil fuels so that we can pay for a few Nintendo games for the children of oil executives who will be forgotten in the blink of an eye? And what if it releases something into the environment to get rid of us, like a bunch of hungry 250-pound minnows? Well, I almost started to make sense there, but it was a false alarm. Nobody is invincible, so we'd better start to get humble. As I was telling a couple bobcats the other day, you may be the nastiest critters in the forest now and then, but in the broader food chain, you're just lynx.
 

A WHOLE NEW BALLGAME

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (04-29-21)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     Baseball is only one sport of many that will be navigating the tricky waters of a post-covid reality as more and more people get vaccinated, but not all. Since I love the game, let's examine the ramifications of the virus on this sport, and we can extrapolate them to the larger socioeconomic patterns that we will be confronting in the coming months. All this is a nice way of saying that the Yankees suck right now. Going into 2021 Major League Baseball has adopted some guidelines to make the game as safe as possible, and they reflect the attitudes Americans have toward health policies, the re-opening and sports in general.

     Before the start of the season, each Major League ballclub had to designate an "Infection Control Prevention Coordinator." This should be someone in the organization whom everyone already hates. "Hey boss, I think you're going to like what we've done so far. Not only did we PREVENT infection control, but we COORDINATED it! I think even you would agree that this new job title has elevated me to my best self!"

     There are more rules: 1.) You should lather up with hand sanitizer before you punch out the water cooler after a strikeout. 2.) If you're ordered to quarantine at home, at least move to the side so the batter can hit. 3.) Players may not visit bars, indoor gatherings of more than 10 people or attend other potentially dangerous social situations such as giving an ocelot a bath. 4.) Stadiums must be limited to 20 percent capacity. If you are a fan of the Tampa Bay Rays, this will not affect you very much, as that number is about a 10 percent increase from their usual attendance.

     In extra innings, each team starts play with a guy on second base. How did he get there? No one seems to know. Having a guy at second is the worst thing that could happen to the Yankees, who never hit with runners in scoring position. The Yankees would have a better chance of scoring if they started the inning with a runner stuck in traffic on the Triborough Bridge. If a double-header is scheduled, both games will be shortened to seven innings, because everyone knows most covid infections occur in the 8th and 9th innings. 

     No one really knows what to do during a pandemic, and the sports world is no different. In New York State you don't have to wear a mask if you are eating at a table in a restaurant, or if you're playing professional baseball, or if you're playing professional baseball at a table in a restaurant. The manager has his on in the dugout to set a good example. He pulls his mask down to yell at the player who just ran through the third base coach's stop sign, but don't worry, he pulls it up again when no one is around to talk to. Some players are concerned about variants. What if my coronavirus mutates into a chronic hamstring injury while I'm not looking? There are often cardboard cutouts of celebrities, fans and pets that are set up to fill the seats in the stands. Can the coronavirus live on cardboard? If so, it would be an embarrassing way to catch the disease.

     One of the Yankees was recently scratched from play and penciled onto the "Cannot Play Because of Covid" list. Turns out he didn't even have covid, he just had side effects from getting his vaccination. I had side effects after I got my shot, some achy chills and fatigue, nothing worse than if I just played three sets of tennis, sat through an entire poetry reading, had a coffee urn drop on my head and fell in love. It's nothing that would keep you out of a game in any other sport but baseball, or possibly chess.

     But that's what we're dealing with at the moment. Major League baseball says that they will revisit and possibly change any of these rules, either if circumstances warrant or if everyone finds out that they are dumb. They say that hitting is contagious. If so, I urge all the Yankees to remove their masks and wash their hands while singing "Happy Birthday" only ONCE.

PUPPY-DOG DIALOGUE

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (04-22-21)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     Every day for a little over a year, my dog Gidget and I take a walk around the block. It's a pandemic thing. We've been doing it so long that it seems a little like the movie "Rear Window," only in the front. I know everything that goes on in the neighborhood now, there's a rhythm to it.

     Gidget used to be afraid of other dogs, and I long for those days, because now she is into every dog's business in the neighborhood. "Hey," Gidget says, "did you hear that barking at the end of the street? I definitely heard the words 'Gidget,' 'emergency' and 'bacon.' Look, we better get down there and see what's going on." All of a sudden my dog is one of the "Real House-Dogs of New York," and she knows all the gossip going around. I'm not so sure any of this a good thing, because I watch a lot of Judge Judy, and half the cases she decides are dogs biting other dogs, cats and mail carriers. I don't want to be another victim, especially one that doesn't get mail anymore. I suggest you keep your dog busy by giving it a bone, preferably not one that came out of my body.

     Gidget gets a half-mile walk twice a day up and down our street. When we get down to the end of the road, a poodle named Peanut comes bounding out of her house at a million miles an hour. She gets about 20 feet away and stops, because Gidget looks much smaller from the kitchen window. She waits for reinforcements to come, a bigger and much older dog who lives there too. That dog is barking so hard I'm afraid she's going to spit out her dentures. She's barking out orders like, hey, you kids keep off the damn lawn, and get away from that mailbox, and go find your own house, and if I see you around here again I'm calling the cops, etc. Gidget seems unfazed by it and loses interest, although she does want to see what's so special about the mailbox. But we ease on down the road.

     There's a big black dog that lives at the other end of the street, he has big teeth and looks like he works out and seems like he could be a problem if he goes off his medications. He's part Labrador and part alligator, a Labragator if you will, and I recommend that you don't. If he's out on a walk Gidget likes to trash-talk him because she can see that he's on short, heavy chain, the kind that hold cruise ships to their moorings. If he's ever out on a longer leash we'll see if my dog can actually break the sound barrier.

     The family across the street from him is always milling around in their driveway on their phones. Either the reception is better out there or they're calling whoever who has the key to their house. There's another lady who's always sitting in her car at the end of the road. I assume she's waiting for her kids to get off the bus, but I'm not even sure she has kids. Maybe you just need to get out of the house once in a while during a pandemic.

     Two doors down from her there's a guy who's always pulling these tiny flowers out of his lawn. Oops, that's me. These damn little white flowers pop up all over my lawn and they make me nuts. I could spray the whole area with herbicide, but I'm afraid I would infect the water table because we get our water from a well. If the well is unwell, and I die of neurotoxins from the herbicide, I can imagine those stupid flowers having the last laugh. So I pull them out one by one and water-board them for information about where they came from, and I got two ticks on me the other day from spending so much time out there. Which reminds me, why don't they invent a tick collar for humans? It would look dumb, you say? Listen, Flavor Flav wore that stupid clock around his neck every day and nobody said a word about it. I bet he had ticks AND he probably still said he lost track of the time when he was late to a meeting.

     I have to go, it's almost time for our walk. They say that when America goes back to work, millions of dogs are going to go through exercise withdrawal. When I ever go back to work my dog will have to go back to doing whatever it was doing when I wasn't there, clipping supermarket coupons, making candles to sell on Etsy, hacking into Twitter accounts, that sort of thing.