2023: THE YEAR IN REVIEW- PART I

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (01-25-24)

 

     Here is a summary of the stories that you might have missed when you were wasting time reading the New York Times. I have carefully curated the most important stories of 2023, along with some pertinant observations, not unlike the observation that I should probably be under. Here they are, in reverse alphabetical order of appearance.

AUSTRALIAN MEAT START-UP DEVELOPS WOOLLY MAMMOTH MEATBALL
A company named Vow has successfully fashioned a glob of lab-produced meat using a DNA sequence from cells harvested from the long-extinct woolly mammoth species. They're hoping that this discovery will open up a conversation about how we think of meat. No one has invited ME into the conversation I notice, because they're afraid I might suggest that the mammoth meatball could be served with a mole sauce from an actual mole. I'm wondering if the same process can be used to make food out of whatever is in that jar in the back of my refrigerator, that is also long-extinct. I find it fascinating that the future of meat is 15,000 years old, and I guess this proves what I've been saying all along: Just because you CAN eat something doesn't mean you SHOULD. It also proves what saber-tooth tigers have been saying all along: Woolly mammoths require a lot of salt.

POST MALONE BUYS "LORD OF THE RINGS" CARD FOR $2 MILLION
Austin Richard Post, better known as rapper Post Malone, is a big fan of an immersive fantasy game based on Tolkien's "Lord of the Rings," which is played using collectible cards. Post Malone located the owner of a special one-of-a-kind issue and bought it from him for two million dollars, and they posed for a picture together after the sale. But I couldn't really concentrate on the magic card because I was mesmerized by Post Malone's face, which, due to a preponderance of tattoos, looked like my notebook during geometry class in high school. Instead of "body art," they appear to be scribbles and doodles, and they made me think that tattoo artists probably know even less about geometry than I do.

AI-GENERATED "SEINFELD" PARODY AIRS ON TWITCH
Imagine a world where "a show about nothing" airs, using no writers, no director and no actors. Well, that world is ours, and it's nothing to laugh about. A show called "Nothing, Forever," debuted on the streaming site Twitch, and it potentially could mirror the evolution of AI itself. The creators used several AI softwares to develop a 24/7 stream based on the characters of "Seinfeld." The result is a somewhat crude and boring entity that feels like the early days of Atari's "Pong," but which could exhibit its own growth as its algorithms become more sophisticated. The fact that the characters are starting to realize that they are computer-generated has some worried that the apocalypse is near. If so, the apocalypse might not be as funny as you'd think.

AIR FORCE SHOOTS DOWN CHINESE BALLOON
A suspected surveillance balloon of Chinese origin was spotted flying over Alaska, possibly sending back the report to China that not much goes on in Alaska. It was deemed a potential threat to other unidentified flying objects that had more important spying to do, and was shot down by the U.S. military several days later. The incident just reaffirms what we've always thought: that the American military is no fun. That's why I never invite them to my birthday party (they probably wouldn't come anyway, for the same reason). "Excuse me, General, but did you just shoot down all our balloons?" "Yes, sir, they were potentially spying." "And what about our piñata? You blew it up." "Yes, sir, an obvious money-laundering operation. Case-in-point: $100,000 bars came out of it." "I saw that you ate several of them. What about our donkey that you chased off? We were going to give rides on it." "Yes, sir, but don't worry, I had it followed." "You put a tail on our donkey?"

DWI SUSPECT TRIES TO SWITCH PLACES WITH DOG
A man in Colorado was stopped by the Springfield Police Department for speeding and possible DWI, and attempted to switch places with his dog, who was in the passenger seat. He insisted he was not driving and attempted to flee but was immediately apprehended. The dog surrendered peacefully. In comparison, my dog, while excelling in extreme cuteness, is not at all skilled in motor functions that require an actual motor, although she is good at parallel barking. The entire episode makes me wonder if this is really the first time they've tried to pull off this stunt, and whose idea it was. Colonoscopies, double dates, bank robberies, obedience training, ventriloquism, they all seem like fair game for the old switcheroo. It also made me thankful that he is not an airline pilot. The man, not the dog.

     Well, I think you'll now agree that knowledge is painful sometimes, and that's why they say, "WOW, that smarts." I'll be back next time with some more stories that I did not make up even if I could have, along with some commentary that I shouldn't have made up even if I didn't.

A TENSION GETTER

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (01-13-24)

     Whenever you see the holidays reflected in art, they usually depict families, together again, laughing, having a grand old time, eating, drinking, and not fighting. That is why we invented art, so that we could picture things the way we want them to be, and give ourselves something to shoot at. I meant to say "shoot for," but that brings me to my point. When reality falls short and it turns out we don't live in a Norman Rockwell painting, it can be a stress-inducing torment. Norman Rockwell himself once said that he painted happiness, but he didn't live it. If I could paint, I would rather live happiness and not paint it. And if I was a sculptor, well then again, no. 

     That's why it's important to take a few moments for yourself, before everyone arrives and takes all your moments for themselves. Everyone has different ways of dealing with trials and errors, and finding the right one for you might be a matter of trial and error.

     Many people like to put themselves in someone else's hands for an hour or so. Massage may be relaxing for some, but not for me; I'm as ticklish as it gets, and massaging me would be like massaging an eel. Even if I wasn't ticklish, I'd be afraid that the therapist would take a look at my body and say, "What's this bone doing here?" And I'd say, "It's probably up to no good, like the rest of them. Can't you massage it over to where it's supposed to be, like a bubble in a hose?" My wife says that she sometimes falls asleep during the massage, and I ask, well then, how do you know it was relaxing?

     There are those who consider yoga to be the way to achieve their best self, through breath control and self-awareness. My friend said she attended a goat yoga session, and the goat was lousy at it. Even when in the dog position, the cat position and the camel position, it still looked like a goat. Then it started to eat the yoga mat. Another girl I know said she attended a hot yoga session, and it wasn't that hot. So I don't think it's for me, because a 6-foot, 2-inch guy in the shape of a pretzel does not sound appetizing. Yes, you say, but have you ever seen a stressed-out pretzel?

     There are people who swear by Transcendental Meditation. You choose a mantra, something easy to remember, like your Social Security number, and repeat it out loud over and over. Your eyes are closed, and 15- 20 minutes later, you transcend something. If my eyes are closed for 15- 20 minutes, I'm either attending a joint session of Congress, presiding over a meeting at work or pretending to be asleep, and I am known for my realistic pretending. I remember when the Beatles went to India to meet with Maharishi Mahesh Yogi at an ashram near the Himalayas, to try to achieve the seven levels of consciousness. I can get to the first level of consciousness only after a large cup of coffee, and I cannot achieve the second without being tased.

     My idea of relaxation is to ride my motorcycle on a warm November day when the leaves are off the trees. You can see 180 degrees for miles around, the wind racing you, your body and the machine in a synchronous accord of balance and purpose. There is no radio, no one talking to you, no cellphone ringing. You are alone with your thoughts, which trust me, is better than being alone with mine, especially without a chaperone. The beauty of the occasion lasts as long as the weather holds out, there are no potholes, no deer and no one pulls out quickly in front of you. Nothing is forever.

     I know some people that aren't truly at peace unless they are engaged in battle. This may sound like a paradox, but they crave disorder in the world so that they can tame their own little piece of it. Drama queens, divas, cardiologists, their way of relieving with stress is to cause an equal amount of it in others.

     If you don't shut your brain down once in a while, it's going to take some vacation time at the worst possible moment. So take a few minutes, take a deep breath, and picture how nice it will be when your sister and brother-in-law come home for the holidays and everyone's together at last. And how she still makes fun of the way you make mashed potatoes, and how he still can't stop talking about how much more money he makes than you although he never picks up the check, and how you still have to follow their kid around saying "please don't touch that," because it seems like there are hyenas better trained than he is.

     And then picture how you'll feel when you're waving to their taillights, and you have a sink full of dishes, wrapping paper all over the place, inappropriate gifts to return, and instead of dealing with any of it you decide to get to the bottom of a cup of hot chocolate and the Times crossword puzzle. That moment will make all the stress worth it, and I can't stress that enough.