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Thursday, June 26, 2014


I lost my frigging wallet. Can you believe that? I have never lost my wallet in all my 55 years. Even when I was 6 months old I never lost my wallet. Sure, I have lost everything in it at one time or another. I have certainly lost all my money here and there, mostly there, at the stripper bar, where they nipple-and-dime you to death. I have all these silver dollars that come out of the parking machine at the train station, and you can't believe the dirty looks I get when I drop a few of those down somebody's G-string.

They call them "gentleman's clubs" now. If you don't act like a gentleman there, i.e. asking to see women's vaginas, you will be escorted out, which is another laughable euphemism. If you get escorted out of a stripper bar at least you have the escort.

Anyway, losing the money was the least of my problems. I had all my personal information in there, and someone could easily steal my identity. Can you imagine anything worse? Not for me, but for the poor person who has to assume my identity. Have you taken a good look at my identity recently? Multiple people with multiple personalities? And none of them good? And can you imagine my poor wife?
"Honey, these dishes are in the dishwasher wrong again," I point out, just trying to be helpful.
"Also, could you put the silverware in pointing up?" Says the guy assuming my other identity.
"Sure, and how about at least one of you taking out the garbage?" Says my wife.
"I took it out last week," I say.
"I didn't exist last week, or I would have done it." Says my other identity.
"Do you both have to live HERE?" Asks my wife.
"I would have chosen a four-bedroom," says my other identity.

I have always assumed my identity but I don't actually have any proof.

I really thought that someone would find my wallet and mail it back to me, but it never happened. If I found a wallet I would mail it back to the owner, after subtracting the cost of shipping and handling. I don't want to rip anyone off, so I would handle the wallet accordingly based on how much money was inside.

I had my social security card in my wallet. Everyone says, "You idiot- why did you keep that in your wallet?" I don't know, I just felt socially insecure without it I guess. Besides, if you're not supposed to keep it with you, why do they issue a wallet-sized card? They should have put it on 8 1/2 by 14-inch legal paper.

I also had my car registration in there. Everyone says, "You idiot- why did you keep that in your wallet?" I don't know, I just figured if I lost my car, at least I won't have to replace the registration. Besides, the car already has the registration sticker on it, and my wallet doesn't have any stickers at all.

Not only that but I actually had a check in there made out to my friend Julie, to buy her tennis racquet. Who is going to be the bank teller that gives $234 dollars to a 320-pound black man named Julie so that she can buy a tennis racquet?

I had my health insurance spending account card in there of course. When I went to physical therapy they asked me for my co-payment, and of course I didn't have the new card yet.
"What about a credit card?"
"Hmm... I don't seem to have anything that's what you might call 'payment related.'"
"No problem."
"What is that machine? We've never used that before, have we? That looks like some boarding, and some water? What is that sticker that says 'Guantanamo Bay' on the side??"
I also found out that when they set the electical stimulation machine to "high" it acts as a taser.

I had my license in the wallet, so now there is no proof that I can drive, other than my awesome ability to parallel park. I can parallel park anywhere. I have even parallel parked parallel to a park. "Your rear wheels are the key to parallel parking," I always tell my wife, "you should always put them four inches from the curb." "Shouldn't they remain at the back of the car?" She asks.

But what if I get stopped for a DWI and the cop asks to see my license, proof of insurance and registration?
"Officer, I'll get to you, but first I'd like to report a stolen wallet."
"Get out of the car and keep your hands where I can see them."
"Would you like to hear the alphabet without several of the letters? Would you like to hear me count backwards from 98 to L? Would you like to see me walk a perfectly straight line half standing and half lying down?"
"I need to see some identification with a picture on it."
"Officer, I have some identification with Benjamin Franklin's picture on it, if you know what I mean."
"Actually I don't have that either, since I lost my frigging wallet. The only thing I have replaced so far are some pictures of my cat. But I am in one of them, and that should be a satisfactory form of identification since NO ONE ELSE in the world would have a cat THIS ANNOYING. Would you like to see the photos?"
I was arrested, but on the plus side, so was the cat.

Incidentally, our current system of Social Security is based on the English "Poor Laws" of the 1600s. To me, there are so many poor laws, especially the ones that make it illegal for me to go 50-mph in a 30 -mph zone. Have you ever gone 30 miles per hour, except on the way to get to 50 miles per hour? I would hate to look outside my car after an hour and think, I should be 20 miles farther. It's pathetic. When I was on vacation a lady asked me if I was retired, and I didn't know whether to be flattered because I looked wealthy enough to be retired, or be insulted because I looked old enough to be retired. But it was a moot point- it turned out she asked if I was retarded.