OFFICE BUILDING

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (03-16-23)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     I've always said that when the time is right, I'll know when to retire. I'll know because someone from HR will come to my office, put a different name on my door, make a frown when they notice my Judge Judy coffee cup and say: "Mr. Melén, your services will no longer be needed here. We have figured out a way to automate your job." "AH," I say, "you've developed a complicated microprocessor which integrates a series of algorithms that understands the random nature of what exactly I do." She says, "Actually, we made it from Lego. By the way, what exactly DO you do?"

     But for now I've been back working in the city two days a week as one of America's hybrid employees. I'm finding that I actually enjoy going into work on those days, it gets me out of the house and into the real world, if there is such a thing. I'm also noticing a few changes since the pre-pandemic business model.

     I notice that there are more people having business meetings on the toilet than there ever were before. Maybe I should have warned you first, but it's something that needs to be addressed. A call comes in next door and I can hear everything on speakerphone: "Where are you calling from? There's an echo in there." "I'm calling from the john- I mean John's office. And I've got a bit of a cold." "You do sound a little flushed. Anyway, just give me the straight poop on how the project is coming along. You're our number one man on the project." "I guess I'm also the number two man."

     And if you're driving in the City you should know that the traffic lights have been re-programmed. Now when you're sitting at a red light watching for the yellow light going in the other direction so you can time your getaway just before yours turns green, you've got a new surprise: there is a lag time that lets only pedestrians cross in your direction, so now you have to wait before you can almost run somebody over in the crosswalk. New Yorkers who are used to almost running somebody over immediately are not going to like this.

     You no longer have to be tested to get into my building, thank goodness. I could ace the Covid part of the test but I stressed out thinking that there might be a math section. I can't be the only one who can never remember what 9 times 6 is. I didn't get Covid, even when it was fashionable, until just a few months ago. I never sealed myself into an airtight vault or anything, and I didn't sanitize my groceries unless they really looked like they'd been up to something in the bottom of the bag. I just used common sense, and it's been so long since I used it last that I had to re-read the instructions.     

     I used to be so excited to have a a snow day and stay home from work. Now, unless a snowdrift has piled up between my bedroom and my living room I'm expected to report. Everybody wants to work from home now that we know how, and who can blame them? Well, you've probably figured out by now that I can blame them. I hate going to the drugstore and instead of a checkout person, there is someone telling me how to use the automated self-checkout machine. Which NEVER works correctly when I use it wrong. Why doesn't the person showing me how to use the machine just ring me up instead? And if I go to the hospital I don't want to find out the hard way that everybody's working from home. "Hi this is Ginny and I'm your X-ray technician for today," she chirps from a video feed. "Just position your thigh up on there on that board and flick the switch over there on the side. Perfect. Oh, I forgot to mention this, but were you planning on children in the future? I should have told you to put that lead apron on."

     Companies are trying every incentive to entice people to to the office- exercise classes, workshops, wine tastings, everything's on the table. We had a puppy day at work today, where you could interact with the little critters and let your stress melt away. One of the puppies was a lab-a-pit-a-poo looking cutie. I asked him how long he'd been doing this, and he told me he's been working like a dog the last few months, and he has to be on-site five days a week. But soon he's going to be working from home Wednesdays and Fridays. Even hybrids are going hybrid. Maybe you can teach a new dog old tricks.

DRINKING IN THE SIGHTS

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (03-09-23)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

 

     On President's Day we were treated to rare, upper-50-degree weather, perfect for a bicycle journey on the upper Old Croton Aqueduct Trail. The nice thing about a bike ride in the middle of winter is that with all the leaves off the trees, you can see for miles. And it's a very pretty trail, overlooking the Croton River gorge and with occasional Hudson views in the distance. It's a ride through history, and if you ride fast enough, you'll catch right up to the present.

     Underneath you, the old underground conduit carried water 41 miles into Manhattan from its completion in 1842 until 1955, when it was supplanted by the New Croton Aqueduct and the Delaware Aqueduct. It had the immediate impact of curbing disease and helping transform New York City into a modern metropolis.

     Since Croton falls, engineers quickly realized the gravity of the situation, and things went downhill from there. Which translated, means that the lower elevation of Manhattan compared to Croton meant that the water could flow naturally with no means of propulsion. It took the water 22 hours to make the journey, so you might want to bring a crossword puzzle with you when you fill up your bathtub.

     A giant collection reservoir stood at 42nd Street and 5th Avenue to receive the precious drops. It was torn down in the 1890s, but if you are thirsty for knowledge instead, it is currently the site of the New York Public Library. I can almost imagine what drinking water that came from a reservoir in midtown Manhattan would be like today. I picture turning on the tap, and a few pieces of gently used chewing gum, some pizza crusts and a hub cap come out. If you add some single-malt scotch you'll hardly notice the difference.

     As you ride down the trail you'll notice periodically a round, smokestack-type structure made of granite bricks. These were ventilators, used to keep air flowing throughout the system. Some had entrances to the underground waterway, in case engineers needed to get a closer look at the air. There is other evidence of the old system, such as gate houses, weirs (for diverting the flow for maintenance) and a keeper's house in Dobbs Ferry. 

     We rode the upper portion of the trail on our e-bikes, and before you carry on about what a poor physical specimen I am for riding on a power-assisted two-wheeler, let me assure you that I am in shape. Let's not forget that there are a lot of different shapes out there, and I'm sure there is one for me that is geometrically viable. Yes, I might be over-represented in the rhombus area, but I defend the use of e-bikes for people like me who weep uncontrollably at the sight of long hills. I recommend a model like ours, which can be used as a regular bicycle, with a motor to help you pedal if you need it, a little or a lot. It will open up your horizons. Along the trail you may run into dog strollers, roller-bladers and exercise walkers, and if you do, next time watch where you're going.

     The trail took us to the top of the Croton Dam, where you can ride across and take in the picturesque reservoir on one side, and overlook the park on the other. If the weather is nice you can bring a picnic and spend the whole dam day there.

     It brought me back to my high school years, when my friends and I would ride our dirt bikes on the old railroad bed (now the North County Trailway) from Millwood up to the Yorktown railroad bridge trestle. That was if I could get that little workhorse working. I was so proud of taking the transmission apart once to fix it, and I would have been prouder still if I had been able to put it back together. Once I had it all in one piece, I realized there were supposed to be many more pieces than just one. You know when people say, "I found an extra gear?" Well, I found two of them on the floor after I was done assembling my crankcase.

     I guess I shouldn't have been riding around where I probably wasn't supposed to be, and definitely not on the slowest motorcycle. If you're being chased by the police, the same rule applies as if you were being chased by a lion. You don't have to be faster than the lion, you just have to be faster than the guy who's with you. I picture the police catching up to me, and I say, "I guess you're going to give me a ticket for riding on private property." And he says, "No, littering- these three gears dropped out of the bottom of your transmission."

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MR. PRESIDENT

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (03-02-23)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday Mr. President, Happy birthday to you. I have to admit, it sounded better when Marilyn Monroe sang it, and that's why I wrote it instead. As a nation, we used to celebrate Washington's birthday, and some states added Lincoln's birthday, and now we've opened it up to anyone elected to the office, and everyone gets to have their cake and eat it too, even if it isn't really their birthday. Some states do not officially observe President's Day, probably because some sourpuss in the state legislature was angry that HE didn't get the day off. This year I didn't observe President's Day, but only because I left my glasses in the other room.

     And now that it's called "President's Day," it means any president is eligible to be honored, no matter what damn fool things they did. I'm willing to celebrate some presidents, but not the loser presidents. Certainly not one that lost TWO senate races. Oops, Lincoln did that. Definitely not a president who as a general lost more battles than he won. Oops, Washington did that. I refuse to extol a president who lost re-election. Oops, John Adams did that. I guess it's more complicated than I thought.

     It made me wonder what makes an effective president. Being able to assemble and lead a competent team  would be one desirable trait. Therefore I nominate a ticket of Brian Cashman and Aaron Boone, as long as they don't raise ticket prices. Notably, Abraham Lincoln appointed a cabinet of political rivals who were known to have opinions contrary to his own. I guess it was the precursor to "The Real Housewives of the Potomac," only realer. 

     Many presidents gained empathy by overcoming adversity. Franklin Roosevelt was diagnosed with polio in his 30s, and responded by founding an institute to help people with similar afflictions. The deaths of Theodore Roosevelt's wife and mother on the same day shaped his immersion into the cause of conservation that became part of his legacy. After Lyndon Johnson suffered a near-fatal heart attack he devoted himself to the legislation of equal rights. I can understand this concept, because I overcame the cancellation of "Bosom Buddies" by trying to come up with a cure for eisoptrophobia, and I am still reflecting on that.

     A good president should have communications skills that move the constituency. A few years ago I heard a speech and it made me want to move, but that's not what I'm talking about. Sometimes just one memorable phrase sums up a president's style, such as Obama's "Yes we can," or Eisenhower's “Pessimism never won any battle,” or Donald Trump's “Without passion you don't have energy, without energy you have nothing.” It's better if I don't mention what he said right after that. 

     How do the great presidents make crucial decisions that stand the test of time? Do they rely on the courage of their convictions? Do they enlist the opinions of their trusted advisors? I don't know, I can't decide. But in the heat of battle there usually isn't time to wait around for revisionist history. 

     Is their foreign policy rooted in history, science and learning from past mistakes? Or does it sometimes seem reminiscent of plotlines from "The Avengers?" Is it consistent with itself and American core values or does it seem prone to mood swings like it's been up all night drinking espresso and cheap wine at the same time?

     Finally, a president should be able to set a good example. I've compiled a list of things a president should not do, in order to maintain the respect of the people: A president should not use all caps, or more than one exclamation point, and I cannot stress this ENOUGH!!! A president should not watch "The Bachelorette." A president should not wear Crocs. A president should not use Cheez Whiz outside the confines of the White House. A president should not be seen patronizing any business with a name that uses a "Z" instead of an "S," a "K" instead of a "C" or numbers instead of letters. A president should not use the word "amazeballs." A president should not sing "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" at karaoke. I stopped compiling the list when I realized that it was a list of everything I would do, only I do it as a joke, so I allege.

     I have to destroy this document now because it's classified. It's classified as "GOOFY," but technically that's still a classification.

PRE-GAME POSTMORTEM

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (02-23-23)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

  

     In case you were living in cave last week there was a professional football game that was played right after a pre-game show, and it was a very nice game. But let's get back to the stuff before that, and I'll run it back in slow motion for you. First, the NFL presented the Walter Payton Man of the Year Award for Philanthropy and Community Impact, which once again I didn't win. These days there are plenty of men who aren't even technically a man for a whole year, and at least I accomplished that. Then they introduced an "American Sign Language performer," and whatever words were being spoken or sung, she had to perform them. I don't know how long she was on duty for, but near the end of the game there was a pass interference penalty called against the Eagles, and I noticed some distinctive sign language being performed by their fans. I'm guessing that she might have been able to help with an interpretation.

     Then Sheryl Lee Ralph sang "Lift Every Voice and Sing," which some consider to be the "Black National Anthem." If that is true, it's simply another case of a national anthem that is REALLY HARD TO SING. If I was in charge of national anthems (and please remember this when you vote for next year's Man of the Year Award), I would make it "Row Your Boat." It's easy to sing, and even if you don't start or finish when everyone else does you can still sound like you know what you're doing.

     Then the Kansas City Chiefs took the field and their fans made a motion similar to chopping a tomahawk, designed to spill the beers of Eagles fans sitting in front of them. Then the Philadelphia Eagles took the field and their fans made a motion similar to turning over a police car (okay I made that part up, at least I hope I did). Then there was a taped segment of a hip-hop artist rapping about the various players on both teams, which was pretty much unintelligible to anyone over 37, and would have been easier to follow if performed in American Sign Language.

     Finally it was time for the national pre-national-anthem-song, "America the Beautiful," complete with two key changes, sung by Babyface and signed by a member of the Navajo Nation. I sometimes wonder if Babyface will stick with that name when he gets to be 90 or so, or if he will then switch to something more appropriate like Middleagedface.

     Then the Armed Forces Color Guard marched onto the field, preventing anybody from trying to walk off with any of the colors and saving us from having to watch the game in black and white. Then the guy who was going to sign "The Star Spangled Banner" was introduced, and it dawned on me that the pre-game show had more signers than the Declaration of Independence. It also dawned on me that sign language performers probably don't get to sign the word "spangled" very much, so I bet he was excited about that.

     Then Chris Stapleton sung a red, white and bluesy rendition of the National Anthem, which was followed by a Navy fly-over consisting only of women pilots. They shot down some balloons that were in the shape of a football out of an abundance of caution and an overabundance of ammunition. (I'm just kidding about that, at least I hope I am)

     Then winners of the Pat Tillman Award for Service tossed a coin that was so large that if you tried to put it in a Coke machine I doubt you'd get either the Coke or your coin back, and we'd never know who was supposed to kick off the Super Bowl, or to whom. Then the referees thanked everyone who wasn't previously given an award, which was only a few people.

     All of this was presided over by an announcer who sounded like God would sound like, and I bet if he said, "And anyone who doesn't order a jalapeno cheddar sausage immediately is going to HELL right after the game," at least 40,000 people would order it.

     Well, the game eventually did start, and it was great, and Rihanna sang at halftime and became pregnant, possibly not in that order, and this year I finally won my own football pool since I bought all the boxes ahead of time. None of it was anywhere near as exhausting as the pre-game was. It seemed like there was a little something for everyone, and nobody felt left out. Well, almost nobody. I happen to be an American of Swedish descent who is bad at math, and I notice that there wasn't a national anthem for that. I hope they'll remedy this in the next two years, which would make it 2027. I think.

SHOPPING FOR AMERICA

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (02-16-23)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     I read in an article in the New York Times that a woman, Senator Patty Murray, now chairs the powerful Senate Appropriations Committee. And that a bipartisan subgroup of female lawmakers is intent on getting together and slashing red tape to arrive at real budget solutions. And that the purse-strings of America are being controlled by people who may well carry an actual purse. 

     Maybe it will be good for the country to have women in charge of appropriating things. I accused my Mom of it all the time when I was growing up. "MOM- where did you put my sneakers?" "You mean THOSE sneakers sitting there? They're right where you left them." I could swear I didn't leave them there but I didn't, so it wouldn't go on my record that I accused my Mom of theft, failed to properly dispose of possibly hazardous material AND swore.

     If there are no men in this little sub-panel, at least there won't be the possibility of inappropriate comments at the Appropriations Committee. Things like, do you prefer memos or briefs, or comments about what an itty bitty committee it is.

     There is an air of optimism surrounding the idea of a female-led council, the thought being that men are capable of wasting a lot of money on expensive toys that don't even work properly. A widely-reported episode of a $5 billion-dollar boondoggle surfaced in 2004, regarding Army uniforms designed for camouflage. It turned out that they were only useful if a soldier was trying to hide in, say, a field of jigsaw puzzles. When in reality all they had to do was fashion uniforms that look like Waldo, who is hard to find, or a taxicab in inclement weather, which is damn near impossible.

     If any of these women is anything like my Mom, they can find a bargain if there's one to be found. She had a little folio with a slew of coupons in it, and she would save a bundle in groceries. This what complex negotiations should look like for tactical aircraft over at Lockheed-Martin: "I'd like one of those F-22 Raptors, and I have a coupon." Do you have a 'DOD Rewards Card?'" "Yes I do." "You know, you could also save even more if you buy in bulk, and if you brought your own reusable bag." "Okay, I'll take 20 of them." "Smartly done! With the discounts and tax that comes to just $80 billion dollars!"

     Once in a while it's women who are the ones guilty of spendthrift behavior. I would go so far as to say that any money spent on kale is a waste of money. And guys, take a look in your closet. I'd be willing to bet you haven't even noticed this, but take a ruler and measure how much of that closet is devoted to your stuff, and how much is devoted to shoes with pointy toes and four-inch heels that you've never seen anyone in your house ever wear. It's almost like they walked in all by themselves, and that's why it's called a walk-in closet. Shoes with leopard print were recently spotted in my half of the closet. If I ever see a leopard with no shoes on, I know exactly where they are. Sure, most of the above is thinly-veiled sexism, but you have to admit it looks better with the veil on.

     When I was living at the condominium complex, a meeting of the condo board could devolve into chaos in a matter of minutes. Everyone thought it was a great idea to replace the lighting in the parking lot, until we found out how much it would cost. Is it really necessary to see where you're going in a parking lot? Just carry a flashlight, and once you're in your car you can turn on the headlights. If Larry, the president of our condo board, was in charge of the Appropriations Committee, America would be paying off a "special assessment" every damn year.

     Maybe men just don't understand collaboration very well. My wife went to a seminar for work, and she was leading one of the brainstorming teams. I said, "That is awesome! I hope your team wins!" She said, "What do you mean, 'wins?' We're working toward a common goal." I said, "What is the point of that? If my soccer team played your soccer team and we both kicked the ball into the same goal, who would watch?" Based on what she said after that I got the idea that if I had a brainstorm it could result in widespread damage.

     I'm willing to give these ladies a shot. I just hope they don't do what I did last time, and go shopping for America before they've eaten lunch. If they come back with $1.2 billion dollars worth of chocolate, I'll know that my best advice went unheeded.