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Wednesday, January 9, 2013


Let’s take time out this New Year to be thankful for the many wonderful things that happened in 2012. They were truly a blessing, but to be honest I don’t remember any of them. What I DO remember are the weird, wacky and wild stories that made us all cringe, the ones that made you glad that you were not vacationing in a foreign country when they broke, so that you didn’t have to fake a bad British accent so that people wouldn’t point a finger at you and whisper something snide in another language. Let’s relive those moments.

The Tanning Mom
If you could picture a catcher’s mitt with bright coral pink lipstick, you still couldn’t do justice to that face, a face incredulous against the scrutiny of a “concerned public,” a face that anthropologists long believed existed but never had seen. After this story, it was apparent to most responsible Americans that all catcher’s gloves should have coral pink lipstick on them so you can see where the hell you are throwing the ball.

Clint Eastwood Talks to Empty Chair at Republican Convention
No one has ever mentioned the possibility that someone had been sitting in the chair, and that after Eastwood rattled on for about 20 minutes about nothing, got up and left. I call him Chairman of the Bored.

“Fifty Shades of Grey”
When I first heard about this, I thought it was a book about my hair. Instead, it’s about a woman who falls in love with a 26 year-old billionaire who spanks her. I laughed, I cried, I was never the same afterwards, and that was just doing my taxes; I haven’t read the book. By the way, I have never seen a woman reading the actual book. Instead, they read it on Kindle, where you every book looks the same as “War and Peace.” I once had a girlfriend who was into that kind of B & D stuff- she eventually gave me a restraining order and I didn’t’ know what to do.

Squid Inseminates Woman
While eating a partially boiled squid in North Korea, a woman reported a burning sensation in her mouth, and went to the hospital. There doctors found that the squid had squirted its spermatophores into her cheeks. If she had eaten an ovulating female squid right before that, she would soon be expecting the pitter-patter of little tentacles around the house. At least she took the squid to dinner first. By far the most disgusting aspect of this story is that the squid must have been SUPER turned on by being eaten, and it was the strangest sexual experience the squid had had this year, except for a couple of dates from ChristianMingle.Com.

Lindsay Lohan Breaks Every Law in Alphabetical Order
This was not a great year for the struggling actress, but it turns out to be a FANTASTIC year for her lawyer. Her usual defense is that she is a target for those looking to get their “15 minutes of fame” by picking a fight with her. Lindsay is smarter than that now, and never spends more than 10 minutes in any one place. Overall, she has been sentenced to 186,452 hours of community service. But have you seen her community? The place is SPOTLESS! Every weed in the park is plucked individually with an eyelash tweezer.

Daredevil Jumps to Earth from Stratosphere
In October stuntman Felix Baumgartner became the first man to jump out of a balloon in outer space and fall safely to Earth. It was thought that he may burn up when passing through the blogosphere and Twittersphere, or that he might spin out of control like a Kanye West quote and be powerless to right himself, or that at the last minute someone might stick a trampoline underneath him, sending him back into space. The jump, however, was successful, and upon reaching the ground without incident his first words were, “I just KNEW my luggage was somehow going to end up at La Guardia.”

Tightrope Walker Traverses Niagara Falls
When I read my own headline I thought: OMIGOD he fell? But then I remembered he did not; Nik Wallenda became the first man to cross directly over Niagara Falls, the voice of his father calmly talking him through. How Dad resisted the urge to yell, “LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU! HAHAHAHA!” I will never know. Wallenda was forced to use a safety tether by ABC, who threatened to refuse to televise the event otherwise. He made the journey across to Canada without mishap, but then was killed by the mob when they found out he was wearing a wire.

Incidentally, the most talked-about story of the year is one which thankfully did not take place. On December 21st the end of the world was scheduled on the Mayan calendar. The Mayans actually used a system of three calendars, the Haab, a 19-month, 365-day solar count, the Tzolkin, a 260-day system, and the Long Count, which was used to track longer term astronomical events.  Naturally most Mayans put off their Christmas shopping until the last minute. Many people spent the 21st in bomb shelters, hoping that it would only be the end of the TOP of the world. Others phoned up girls that they normally would have NO SHOT with, hoping to catch them at a vulnerable moment. There are still approximately sixty-two ends of the worlds that we still have to get through, predicted by various prognosticators. By the way, “Congress Appreciation Day” is also on the Mayan calendar, and that never happened either.