I'M DATING PETE DAVIDSON

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (01-27-22)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     I'm not really dating Pete Davidson, but the odds are pretty good that YOU will, if you haven't already. If I WERE dating Pete Davidson, I would have to ask WHY I was doing that, since I'm a happily married heterosexual male. But what if I put myself in a woman's shoes for a little while? A woman who was single, probably high-profile and wore a size 11-and-a-half shoe?

     In a relatively short space of time, Pete Davidson has dated some of the most gorgeous and successful female celebrities of our time: Ariana Grande, Larry David's daughter Cazzie David, Andie MacDowell's daughter Margaret Qualley, Cindy Crawford's daughter Kaia Gerber, Robert Kardashian's daughter Kim Kardashian, and Lily Mo Sheen's mother, Kate Beckinsale. Thank god he didn't have children with all these women or it would have broken Ancestry.com. And in every photo of the happy couple, she is looking well-dressed, well-kept and totally hot, and he's looking like he just said the word, "Yup!"

     What do these women see in him? Is it the ink? Pete Davidson has about 100 tattoos, which might well be enough for me to call off our date. To me, a tattoo is just a splotchy blot on your body which, if it grew there naturally, you'd probably pay $4,000 dollars to have removed. Most people I know who have tattoos tell me theirs is something so very special that they like to be reminded of it often, something like the preamble to the constitution or their kids' names. Davidson's tattoos are of Hillary Clinton, a shark, a Pacman, a skull with a brain on top, a ghost with its tongue sticking out and other things that are so special to him that if he wants to be reminded of them he'll need to remove his shirt, stand in front of a mirror and read them backwards over his shoulder.

     Women often say that they love a guy with a sense of humor, and Pete Davidson IS a comedian. So why do Pete's relationships Peter out after an average shelf life of less than four months? Surely he must have more than four month's worth of material. I like a girl with a good sense of humor too, and if she laughs at my jokes I can safely assume she doesn't have one.

     Since his relationships don't seem to last, it may just be that he doesn't know how to talk to women. I've watched a lot of noir movies, and I've learned a few things. Trust me, pick a dramatic moment such as just after you order pizza, grab her by both elbows for emphasis and say this to her: "Listen, sweetheart, you got yourself a dimestore Romeo, and I got myself the Queen of Hearts. You flipped a coin and it came up heads AND tails. The whole package, baby, and it came C.O.D. Any other dame would have run for the door like a fire drill in a Dutch shoe factory. But you stuck it out. You stuck with me like scales on a mackerel and I love you for it. It's been three weeks and I love you more now than I did a week and a half ago." Use a Humphrey Bogart accent for heightened effect, and don't say anything else until the pizza comes. You can thank me later. If Pete Davidson didn't know enough to say something like that to Kate Beckinsale I can see why she left him.

     One of his old girlfriends said something to the effect that no one can believe women are attracted to Pete Davidson, but maybe he just has a really great personality (she didn't say he actually did). First of all, I'm tired of women judging men on shallow details like our personalities. Second, women are often judged on their appearance, whereas men can be "rugged," "chiseled" or "sturdy" and still be considered attractive. I myself have been described as, "looking like he could use a going over with a sheet of medium-grit sandpaper," which in some cultures ain't too bad.

     But I was no Pete Davidson in my single days, and my dating life in high school had a certain downward spiral to it. I'm a little bit shy, and things might progress pretty well for a couple weeks until I felt comfortable enough to open up and let my natural charm out. That's usually what spelled doom for the relationship since there was no way to get it back in. But models and actresses? Those kind of women wouldn't give me the time of day. But I showed them, didn't I? Bought myself a watch.

IN WITH A WHIMPER

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (01-20-22)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     Well, 2021 went out with a bang when I kicked it through the back door with my foot. I was not sorry to see it go. But 2022 tiptoed in quietly at 12:00 midnight as if its curfew was at 10:00 and it was trying not to wake up its parents. Due to the resurgence of the pandemic, the blur of activity usually surrounding New Year's Eve was idling in the garage in "park." Gatherings of one person or less were recommended by most authorities. If you got together with three people, at least two of them were required to be boring.

     I still can't believe I spent New Year's Eve at home for the first time in at least 45 years. I'm not sure who to blame for this, but I have a few ideas. I would normally attend a party, and if no one invites me to a party, I might go to one that no one specifically told me to avoid.  I remember when I was about 13 or so and stayed all the way up to watch the festivities on television with my family, and the ball dropped in Times Square and they sang "Auld Lang Syne" and I remembered thinking, this is a stupid song. Why should old acquaintances be forgotten? Then my folks said I could have some champagne and I forgot most of my old acquaintances anyway. At that age acquaintances weren't old enough for me to miss them much.

     Many people didn't want to fly anywhere to celebrate the occasion, and I don't blame them. Even birds aren't flying right now unless they absolutely have to. Air travel was already an abject annoyance to me even before the pandemic, and it seems like only people that you'd never agree to spend four hours with are in airplanes right now. There are braindead heroes starting fights in the cabin because they don't want to wear a mask to prevent them from coughing their covid all over my tiny little pillow. Come think of it, I don't think we should have to wear seat belts either, and I can't see anything out the window with that big ugly wing sitting there in my way. Okay? 

     Also, I'm a bit of a backseat driver, and I think that the pilot's intercom should be two-way, so I can let him know how I think he's driving. He already introduced himself so I go ahead and introduce myself too. "Pilot Bill, may I call you William? It's super hot where I am- I think we're flying too close to the sun. I happen to know another way to Europe if you're interested." Someone's been in the bathroom for 45 minutes and I bet he has the Sunday crossword puzzle. I'd like to get up and walk around but where would I go? "Hey Pilot William, you got a second? It's Passenger Rickster again. I know you're busy, but the stewardess says we're out of peanuts, and I'm guessing you have a secret stash in there. I have three bags of pretzels, and I'll trade the three pretzels for one peanut. This is a limited-time offer. Tell the co-pilot also."

     We watched a Columbo marathon all day on television until it was the cocktail hour, which we moved up into the dinner slot (we had moved dinner into lunch). I knew right away who committed the murder, because I'm a bit of a crime-solving genius. I told my wife, "Jack Cassidy did it. I'll bet you 20 bucks." "He's not even in this one. It's Patrick McGoohan, they already showed him killing the guy," she said. "I still think it's Jack Cassidy, and if Robert Culp turns up, I bet you 20 bucks all three of them kill each other." I was out about 80 bucks before Columbo even scratched his head once. 

     We got all dressed up for the occasion, just the two of us, and even our dog had on a beautiful fur coat. I had on a turtleneck and a blazer. I even put one of my contact lenses in so I could optimistically see half the glass as full for the new year. Everyone would have said I looked great, and I would have lied and told them they looked great too. I definitely looked better than Columbo but not as good as Jack Cassidy.

     If we had gone out to one of those fancy prix fixe dinners it would have cost me about 300 bucks, and I would have made fun of things all night like foie gras, that I would never eat in a million years, and my wife would have told me what I was missing out on and that I might as well order pizza at home. So this year we ordered pizza at home. The pizza was good, but I had nothing to make fun of, and I had to try and carry on a normal conversation. You know what? I just realized, maybe THAT should be my New Year's resolution. To order more pizza at home. 

2021: THE YEAR IN REVIEW- Part II

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD ( 01-06-22)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     This week I'm back to expose the rest of the lesser known stories of the past year. I'm going to strip them down to their bare essentials and bring you just the naked facts. And now I'm exhausted and need a cigarette, even though I don't smoke.

EXTREME WEATHER CAUSES 'HAIRY PANIC'
     A severe windstorm last winter caused an Australian suburb to become buried in huge drifts of tumbleweeds, making the town of Hillside in the state of Victoria a grassy mess. Known locally as the "hairy panic," the weeds accumulated high enough to prevent some homeowners from being able to open their front doors. I picture the scene to look something like Sean Connery's back. I don't know how they plan to make the unkempt area kempt again, but I imagine that they're hoping a few tons of wax blows in next.

HUMAN-COMPOSTING FUNERAL HOME OPENS
     Last January in Kent, Washington, Recompense opened as the first-of-its-kind human-composting funeral home in the U.S. In at least 30 days the resulting soil is tested for pathogens and available for use. It's just another after-life option for those whom you love very mulch. I never thought my final resting place might be a flower bed, but if I'm pushing up daisies anyway, they might as well look damned good. We have a compost pile in the woods, where I put things like corncobs, coffee grounds, VCRs and jokes about stuff I'm not allowed to make fun of anymore. I don't go out there much when I'm alive, and I expect to leave it at that. There are weeds growing on top of the pile, and they really seem to appreciate my efforts. If any of this compost causes the proliferation of tumbleweeds, the residents of Hillside, Australia are not going to be pleased.

AIRBAG JEANS IN PROTOTYPE FOR MOTORCYCLISTS
     As if I weren't already full of hot air, a company called Mo'cycle is working on a pair of jeans that contain airbags which run down the inseam and detonate upon impact during an accident. I'm a motorcycle rider myself, and if I have an accident in my pants that results in an explosion of air, then, well you go ahead and finish the joke, this one's on me.

MOSQUITOES RELEASED IN FLORIDA KEYS
     The first group of genetically engineered non-biting mosquitoes were released in the Florida Keys in April, to help control the Zika and other viruses. These male mosquitoes mate with the disease-carrying females and pass on a lethal gene that causes the death of the offspring and controls the population. Whoever got it in their head that non-biting males would ever mate with biting females should immediately clear his internet browser history. What the article fails to mention is exactly where the mosquitoes were being released from. What were they in for? Are they out on good behavior? Remember that for a mosquito a slap on the wrist amounts to a death sentence.

INDIAN MAN KILLED BY OWN ROOSTER DURING COCKFIGHT
     In February a New Delhi man who had fitted his rooster with a small knife on his way to an illegal competition died of blood loss when the bird tried to escape and inflicted lethal wounds to his groin area. While this seems like a case of instant justice, it's a vivid example of the old adage: Never bring a cock to a knife fight.

     And that's the year in review. I'd like to wish everyone a healthy and happy 2022. I'd also like to thank those of you who read my column this year. I cherish the opportunity to make some of you laugh without having to let you watch me ski. For those of you who don't read my column, now is the perfect time to talk behind your back, and I must say that hairstyle makes you look 10 years older. And don't bother saying the same thing about me, I already know my hairstyle makes you look 10 years older.