ELECTRIC EELS AT ELECTRIC CITY

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (02-09-23)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     My opinion is that you can spend a fun weekend just about anywhere, as long as you are willing to bring your own fun. People who expect magic at every turn are often in for life's little disappointments. But every town has at least a weekend's worth of great things to do if you take a few moments to look for them. We spent last weekend in Scranton, Pennsylvania, home of the fictional Dunder Mifflin Paper Company featured in the show, "The Office."

     There was evidence around town that they kind of miss Dunder Mifflin- there's an exhibit at the Steamtown Mall commemorating the show. We visited the Electric City Aquarium and Reptile Den, which is also inside the mall. Scranton is known as the Electric City because it was the first in America to have motor-driven cable cars. They would have been even more famous if anyone had thought to name a streetcar "Desire."

     The Aquarium was the perfect size and not too crowded on a Sunday, so that we could spend a little time with the animals. More time than we probably should have, because a good many of the amphibians and reptiles there are poisonous. It was not hard to find the coral snake or the Amazon milk frog, because the prettier the colors, the more poisonous they are. It's all part of nature's grand plan. If they were drab AND poisonous, who would want a serious relationship with them? I don't know why, but for some reason it made me remember those girls in high school with the gorgeous red hair, nice clothes and vivid smiles.

     Other animals there thrive by blending into their surroundings using natural camouflage. It took me a good five minutes to identify the Vietnamese mossy frog, but my wife insisted it was a rock. The Aquarium could save a bundle each year in food by having four or five tanks with rocks in them that look a little like frogs, and people like me could marvel at how motionless they can sit in order to lure their prey.

     In the next room was a rainforest section, home to Mort the bush baby, Quilliam the porcupine and Molasses the two-toed sloth. If you prefer a three-toed sloth, well, keep it away from the wood-working shop. There was an Asian water monitor, which is a huge lizard. I had assumed it was a nifty imported device to make sure you're not too wasteful in the restroom. I can imagine living in the rainforest and complaining how it was sunny for six days straight. Hey, I tell my crew, into each life a little sunshine must fall. I know: Rick, stop being such a bush baby.

     In one tank they had an alligator lizard, which sounds made up, but is a small reptile that coincidentally doesn't look that much like an alligator. I first heard about it in the song "Ventura Highway," where they sing a chorus about "alligator lizards in the air," and that's the number one reason why I take Route 118 instead if I'm headed out of Pasadena. This is off-topic but that band America had a lot of weird songs, like "Horse With No Name." I would have had that horse named by the second verse. It's a wonder they even named the song. And "Sister Golden Hair" surprise? Was she a nun? I don't like too many surprises where women are concerned.

     We were late for the shark feeding and the alligator feeding was at 2:00. By the way if there's an alligator feeding and you happen to be there and it's more like 3:00 or 3:15, I would start screaming loudly. Somebody might just be able to hear you over the toucans, which are louder than you would think and maintain a constant chatter worse than I do. There's also a "touch tank," which is like an underwater petting zoo, where you can see what stingrays and horseshoe crabs feel like, if you feel like it.     

We poked around the mall a bit more and left right near Mifflin Street. I was a big fan of "The Office," and I was sad to see it close just because people don't use paper anymore. In the morning I like to read the New York Times in actual newsprint. I don't have to scroll, I just look further down, and there it is: the rest of the story. You can read my column in a Halston Media paper, and then line your helmeted iguana tank with it when you're done. If he doesn't like my writing, he'll let you know.

2022: THE YEAR IN REVIEW- Part II

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (02-02-23)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

 
Folks, it's over a month into the new year, people are already doing dumb more things, and I'm not even finished with the dumb things we did last year. So let's get right to it: Part Two of the 2022 Year In Review. These are the stories that make fun of themselves, so I'll just use this time to do my taxes.

MAN FINDS 160 BURIED BOWLING BALLS BURIED AT HOME
A Michigan man doing a home renovation unearthed 160 bowling balls buried in the foundation of his rear stoop. It was either a case of someone repurposing factory rejects or really, really bad aim. Next time he goes bowling he will already have 159 spares, and if he decides to replace his gutters he could be in for even more surprises.

WOMAN LEAVES ONE-STAR REVIEW FOR RESORT AFTER CROCODILE DRAGS FRIEND INTO OCEAN
A woman vacationing in Mexico witnessed a crocodile drag one of her party into the surf, and with the help of her friends, rescued her. Amazingly, the victim is expected to make a full recovery, and even more amazingly, the guest still gave the resort a one-star review on TripAdvisor, possibly because of the unique water sports. The crocodile also gave the hotel only a one-star rating, citing the tasteless guests.

POISONOUS SEA SNAKES ARE TRYING TO MATE WITH SCUBA DIVERS
Olive sea snakes, a venomous species found in Australia that are are known to swim close to scuba divers, may not be exhibiting aggressive behavior. Instead, according to a study, they might be trying to put the moves on. Actions that occurred during peak breeding season, such as coiling around divers' limbs, were possibly simply “misdirected courtship responses,” according to the report. But were these amorous advances really misguided? When it comes to spending the rest of your life with a dangerous reptile or say, a relatively harmless but boring insurance claims adjuster, you can pick your poison. A group of largely ignored sea cucumbers was said to have found the entire discussion revolting.

BIDEN WHISKED AWAY FROM REPORTERS BY EASTER BUNNY
In April President Biden, hosting the White House Easter egg roll, began to ramble off-script in front of reporters about the withdrawal from Afghanistan. Before he could lay an egg an aide dressed as a giant Easter bunny started waving frantically to get his attention and siphon him off so he could blow a whistle to signal the start of another round of egg-related competition. Apparently it was determined that he had come within a hare's breath of saying something dumb.

WOMAN RELEASES BEE SWARM ON DEPUTIES
A Massachusetts woman who was being served an eviction notice unleashed hundreds of bees which attacked several deputies. She was immediately arrested as part of a sting operation.
The woman was wearing a bee-keeping suit, but not all bees are interested in being bee-kept, and the tactic seems a little like shooting a gun that points in all directions. She was charged with assault and battery, but the charges could have been upgraded had they been "murder bees," or even voluntary manslaughter bees.

ELECTRICAL OUTLET FOUND INSTALLED ON TRAFFIC LIGHT
In Florida, a fully functioning power outlet was found wired to the pole of a traffic signal.
The Fort Walton Beach Police were not amused, noted on their Facebook page that tampering with traffic lights is a felony, and threatened to unfriend anyone who did so. It seems like the action of someone who was regularly inconvenienced by trying to read in alternating green, red and yellow light. Or possibly a person who is intrigued by electric vehicles, but unclear as to exactly where they get their power.

FALLEN TREE TRAPS MAN IN GETTYSBURG PORTA-POTTY
A man was hospitalized after a downed tree crushed the portable toilet he was using at the Gettysburg historic site. EMS commented that situation could have been serious, but in reality, quite the opposite was true. The man was treated and released from his temporary Gettysburg address, a medical facility dedicated to the principle that people just trying to go to the bathroom shall not perish from this Earth.

And that's most of the important news from last year. Go forth with the understanding that you are now better-informed than you were five minutes ago, and five minutes from now, hopefully you'll have forgotten the whole thing.

2022- THE YEAR IN REVIEW- PART I

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (01-26-23)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

 
I know it's a little late, but one of my new year's resolutions is not to be put off by putting things off. So here they are, the stories you can't live without, and I'm surprised you made it this far without them. It's the 2022 Year In Review, and I swear every one of these items is true, or my name isn't George Santos. And I'm not entirely sure it isn't, either.

WOMAN LINKED TO CRIME BY CHEETOS DUST
In Oklahoma a woman was arrested for an attempted home burglary because she left an empty bag of Cheetos at the scene, and orange residue on her teeth confirmed her involvement in the snack-jacking before she could try any cheese puff rough stuff. The occupants were home at the time and called 911 when they heard a crispety, crackly sound that can only mean that a crunchy crime was being committed. Nothing else of value was taken, but it does once again prove that Cheetos never prosper.

M&Ms CHARACTERS EVOLVING TO BE MORE INCLUSIVE
In order to "create a world where everyone feels they belong," M&Ms ads are now using characters that emphasize their sparkling personalities instead of their genders. For instance, the green M&M will now wear sneakers instead of high-heeled go-go boots, which I'm guessing will be empowering for her. The orange M&M's shoes will no longer remain untied, which was causing it undue angst, even more so than melting in somebody's mouth, not in their hand. The implications of candy footwear have been weighing heavily on the people at the Mars Wrigley company, when really, it's their hair and wardrobe that could use an update. On the other hand, if the world that you don't fit in involves pants that are all-of-a-sudden too small, then you might have M&Ms to blame.

CROCODILE JUMPS OUT OF ZOO VAN INTO FLORIDA TRAFFIC
A zoo in St. Augustine was transporting several crocodiles to another location when one of them popped out a window and onto busy Route A1A. Upon seeing the rampant reptile an astute citizen filmed the incident on his smartphone, because if you tried to tell people that you saw an alligator jump out of a moving vehicle they would tell you that sounds like a croc. Even after seeing the video I couldn't believe that any living being would jump out of a perfectly good van in order to get a closer view of Florda traffic. Before anyone could shed any crocodile tears, two female members of the zoo crew wrestled it back into the van and told the animal that while Florida highways can be fun, don't make a habitat of it.

CRISPR STARTUP WANTS TO RESURRECT THE WOOLLY MAMMOTH
A company called Colossal has raised $15 million to genetically modify Indian elephants using gene-editing technology, with the eventual goal of bringing back the long-extinct woolly mammoth. Their first order of business will be to create a hybrid animal that withstands the cold weather of the tundra, a sort of a "mammo-poo," if you will, and I certainly don't know why you would. I got very excited when I first saw this story because I thought CRISPR was a new cereal. When I read that it was a company trying to resurrect the woolly mammoth I thought, why bring back something that could kill me without even knowing it? Why not resurrect something less itchy, like the McDonald's hot apple pie or the Plymouth Barracuda?

MAN RETURNS FROM SHOPPING TO FIND 15,000 BEES IN HIS CAR
Just when you thought that downtown parking was hard enough, you should know that a New Mexico man returned from grocery shopping to find 15,000 bees massed in his car. The only thing worse than that would be to find say, 15,000 televangelists in your car. He was absolutely crestfallen, because he had JUST bought two jars of honey. I would have figured that the person who counted all of those bees was eventually killed, but there were no major injuries reported, since one of the responding officers happened to be a beekeeper and possibly recognized some of them. I'm not allergic to bees, but I always thought it ironic if a bee sting could cause you to break out in hives.

If these stories were not quite enough, stay tuned for Part II next week. And if that's not quite enough for you, perhaps your medication levels are too high.

IN WITH THE OLD

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (01-19-23)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     I just wanted to take a second to wish everyone a happy and healthy new year. But now that I have you here, I could certainly waste more of your time than that. This is the moment to make a fresh start, let bygones be bygones, mend fences, take stock of the future and bury the past. Let's start with my New Year's Resolution of speaking only in clichés. Needless to say, that's the honest truth. Which is cliché code for: I just said something you don't care about, and it's the only thing I've said that wasn't a lie.

     We've been stuck in the house for months waiting for a good reason to test our immunity to all the bugs and viruses out there, and a New Year's Eve party seemed like the perfect opportunity to try to RSVP without the RSV.

     New Year's Eve this year was hosted by a couple who have diametrically opposing views about what kind of music is most appropriate for the occasion. She likes to dance to the hip-hop music of the day. He likes alternative rock and classic roll. They used to argue about it, and a satisfactory marriage is built on compromise. That way, NOBODY is happy. However, a STRONG marriage is built on the pretense of compromise. And so a Ludacris song starts and when she kicks off her shoes to dance, he kicks them under the couch and says Honey, I thought I saw some glass on the floor, so she disappears into the bedroom, and he switches to "Start Me Up" by the Stones and hits the floor but she returns and says Honey, they need help filling the Champagne glasses and "Start Me Up" is finished in 12 notes and it's back to Ludacris but he returns and says Honey, can you put the kids to bed and she says, Honey, the kids are 27 and 29, and so they retreat to neutral corners. The rest of us are nursing a sprained ankle from trying to dance to a fractured playlist.

     "Where's the remote control? We don't want to miss the countdown!" I shout. "Rick, it's only 10:15." Better safe than never than late than sorry, I always say. Actually that was the first time, but I'm auditioning clichés. It's important that you get the new year off to a timely start, otherwise, you'll be a few seconds off the whole year. It's so much more important than, say, the countdown to launching a rocket ship. If you miss liftoff by a minute or two, and you're late to Mars, you think they're not going to hold dinner for you?

     After the New Year has been safely rung in, and hands have been shook and people have been air-kissed, I park myself over by the dessert table to see who all is not really serious about New Year's resolutions. So many people set themselves up for failure. Make your promises easy to keep. I resolve to eat more chocolate in 2023, and I get right to it. And to watch more 1970s television. That sounds easy, but old shows where you can punch whomever you like and no one sues you AND they'll be knocked unconscious for 10 minutes are not a renewable resource, and I'm starting to run out of options.

     In the wee hours of a New Year's Eve party, I can estimate where the guests live within a margin of error of plus or minus three miles. The people who have already left by 12:02 live less than a half hour away. They have two countdowns, one to ring in the new year and the other for when their babysitter goes into overtime. The ones who stay until 12:47AM live within 15 minutes of the party, and they've nursed two-and-a-half drinks over four hours, to maintain a degree of sobriety that makes their conversation just out of reach of those who are still left at 2:00AM, who live close enough to wobble home to their last known address. The party we went to was in Croton-on-Hudson, up a big hill within spitting distance of the river, and if you don't pay attention and stumble the wrong way, it's Croton-IN-Hudson for you.

     If you were the first baby born in 2023, we missed you and your parents at the party. They had to time it just right so they can be interviewed on television. Your husband, who is also your Lamaze coach, was trying to get you to hit it on the nose. "Okay BREATHE, Honey, but don't breathe very much, it's only 11:00. Are you sure your water broke? How DOES water even break? It's a liquid, for god's sake." And to the last baby born in 2022, I know you just missed the cut, but in a few years it'll be water under the bridge. And that was my first cliché of 2023.