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Monday, August 20, 2012


I hope you are enjoying the Olympics as much as I am- I wish you could watch it here on my sofa with me. Sometimes I get so excited I can hardly contain myself, and I have to put some of myself into a different container.

From the opening ceremony I was hooked. The spectacle of the lighting of the torch, the pageantry of the parade of nations, (warning: any time you hear the word "pageantry," you can hit the snooze alarm....).

If I was the President, which would be the best thing for this country, believe me, I would rename the country AAAmerica. That way, you're the first into the stadium and boom: you get a great seat right next to the third base dugout. Make yourself comfortable, fire up the grill, and let all the other nations parade around like idiots while you make a hot dog. By the time Vanuatu strolls in you'll be eating a Chipwich from the cooler for dessert.

Some of these countries- are they really legitimate countries when there is no Olympics? Djibouti, for instance, is only in it because people like saying the name out loud. Togo sounds less like a country than a dinner order. Micronesia is too small to be seen by the naked eye. Saudi Arabia had one athlete- shooting of course. The Syrians had a guy in the torture medley event. Trinidad never goes anywhere without Tobago- it’s embarrassing.

I got engrossed in the swimming, and I really wanted to root for this Ryan Lochte- fantastic athlete, huge dimple, seemed nice. Then he puts in these diamond dentures, and I thought to myself: INSTANT DOUCHEBAG! My sisters had shit like that in their mouths for two years and couldn't wait to get it out! The more I thought it through, I figured out that a bunch of diamonds in my mouth cut at sharp angles? You could devour a whole Angus steer carcass in 15 minutes, even medium well. You could puree a pesto on the side, and make crushed ice on demand for a margarita. Then I pictured a peanut butter sandwich, and the deal was off.

In the swimming events they just dive right in and no one says "Jesus Christ that is goddamn freezing!" Would the rest of the swimmers wait for me while I wade in a little at a time from the shallow end? I guess you are allowed to run by the pool all you want in the Olympics, I never once heard the lifeguard bust anybody's balls about it.

I was watching women’s weightlifting at a bar. I turned to a girl next to me and said, “Those Chinese girls have some snatch, don’t they?” Guess she didn’t think so.

The women’s track events had Muslim contestants for the first time, covered from head to toe. It's not really fair; these women are from countries where if you hear a gun go off you run REALLY fast just from habit.

I got sucked into the synchronized swimming again. I like the legs, but the smiles are disturbing. It’s the kind of pasted-on smile that bespeaks of a serious lack of oxygen. I swear it looks like these girls had to be heavily medicated to get them to do this. Whenever I see somebody wearing a smile THAT disingenuous, I usually have to shell out thousands for a new car. Which I cannot afford, since it’s only been four years since the last Olympics.

Someone told me that water polo is played on a seahorse, don't know if that's true or not. They didn't mention anything about Marco Polo.

I felt sorry that the guy with no legs didn't win his race, but they had him in the wrong events. I picture him on the trampoline, or maybe diving. Instant medal. It was the first time a guy from the Paralympics competed with prosthetic devices. The closest thing before that was a sprinter with fake boobs. She didn't win a medal, even though she had a great time. I think next year you will see a horse with those prosthetic legs in the jumping competition.

Those badasses of badminton were caught cheating by intentionally losing. Hey- if Chris or Jonas wants to throw me a match here and there at tennis, I promise no charges will be filed.

Watching the medal ceremonies made me so proud that we had a National Anthem that nobody knew all the words to. I can read lips, and athletes were "twilight's last gleaming" where they should have been "gallantly streaming." It got worse when I thought I saw some of the Lord's Prayer. One gal looked like she was singing the second verse to "Rocky Raccoon," and another guy, bits of "the Thong Song."

In a flash it was all over, and the closing ceremonies were upon us, meaning that I would have to go back to watching "The People's Court" every damn day. The highlight of the party was the reuniting of the Spice Girls. When I look back at all the great British rock & roll acts that might be reunited, the Spice Girls were right there on the list tied with Milli Vanilli.

Incidentally, the first Olympics in Greece was thought to take place in the year 776 BC. The pentathlon that year consisted of the broad jump, where the contestants leaped over several women from the audience; wrestling; foot race; javelin; and discus throw. The discovery of marijuana resulted in the invention of "ultimate discus." In the interest of reviving the games centuries later, Baron Pierre de Coubertin formed the International Olympic Committee in 1890, and the first modern Olympics were held in Athens in 1896. French and English are the official languages of the Olympic Games although extensive cursing can be done in German, Russian and Braille. The International Language of Love may also be used if rooming next to the Swedish volleyball team.