I BEG TO DIFFER

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (02-11-21)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     I'm literally begging for us to disagree, because we've forgotten how to do it and we could use the practice. And after we're done disagreeing, I'd like to go on with my life without you a.) calling me an idiot; b.) taking whatever it is we disagree about by force; or, c.) killing me. By the way, I understand if you think I'm an idiot, because we can probably agree on that, but just don't call me one during our disagreement. Right now, differences of opinion are out of style, like huge shoulder pads in suit jackets.

     I was listening to Kevin Hart on Howard Stern, and he said, "We've lost the true value and understanding of my opinion versus your opinion. For example, you like coffee, I like tea. I don't hate you for liking coffee, and you shouldn't hate me for liking tea." Not only is a difference of opinion okay, it's necessary for the world to function. What if we all liked to eat the same thing? Soon there wouldn't be anymore of it, and the only thing left would be Brussels sprouts. Would a world without Take Five candy bars be worth living in?

     We always assume that our way is the best way, but that's often because we never tried the other way. I wonder why we extol cultural differences sometimes and castigate them at others. Speaking Spanish seems like fun in Spain but given the eye-roll on the American check-out line sometimes. Did you ever go to the famous museum in another country? The tour guide taught you all about the things people do in that country, and you said, "Hmm, that's interesting. So much different than the way we do it in America." You didn't say, "Hmm, that's stupid, thank god we don't do that in America," or the tour guide would have asked you politely to leave. The country. Why did you visit there in the first place? Because it was so much like America, or because it wasn't?

     We negotiate all the time, every day, without even knowing it. For instance, I ask my wife if she wants me to clean the cat box since I'm going downstairs, and she says no, I'll do it later. And I ask her if that means she'll do it but resent me for not cleaning it as a surprise. And she says no, it's fine, she'll do it when she does the laundry. And I ask does that mean she wants me to do the laundry too, because I can do it while I'm cleaning the cat box. Also, can she please tell me exactly where the washing machine is and also the cat box. And this way we each get something out of the exchange; she feels good about herself for keeping the place nice, and I earn bonus points for asking if she would like me to do something that I am clearly not qualified to do anyway. The cat gets something out of it too.

     I read an article by a man who was the top hostage negotiator for the FBI. He talks about the person you're negotiating with as your partner, just like when you're dancing. Not like when you're dancing with ME, because then you're an escapee. But whom most people would refer to as an adversary, he views as the person who will help you get some of what you want. Not all of it, because a successful negotiation means you BOTH get something. And you both give something. The person you have this exchange with is someone you need, not someone you scorn. If you learn about the other side, you're more likely to understand their motivations. If you make it clear that you're not out to deceive or exploit them, it's easier to get what you want. If you make it seem like their idea, so much the better. I remember how comedian Adam Corolla once described the negotiation ritual of an average couple's love live: I do something I don't like for 15 minutes, you do something you don't like for 15 minutes, then we go watch "The Bachelor."

     Remember when you were younger, and the girl next door said, "I know you are, but what am I?" And you said, "I'm the ball and you're the glue- whatever you say, goes right back to you." And she said, "Takes one to know one," and you said, "I see England, I see France, I can see your underpants," and she said, "Your Mother wears army boots," and you said, "She was in the army. By the way, can you remember what we were arguing about?" If you're like me, chances are you outgrew these childish taunts soon after graduating college. The fact is that sometimes the objective of the argument is obscured by the perception of winning or losing.

     I'd like to believe that a new day will come soon, and we can go back to having a dispute without calling each other names, although I'm not sure what else we would call each other. Everything eventually comes full circle and someday, having a civil debate where we learn something about each other will be back in style. And when that day comes, please don't make fun of the size of the shoulder pads in my suit jacket.

HAVE YOU SEEN MY VACCINE?

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (01-28-21)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

 
     It's pretty obvious that the previous administration botched every single response to the onset of the single most history-altering event since World War Two. If it isn't obvious to you, there's a pretty good chance you'll get the disease too. From masking to contact tracing to testing to messaging, you name it, they botched it. One thing they DID take seriously was the importance of the development of a vaccine to protect the population and effect the principle of "herd immunity." And the scientific community responded with a virtual race to the immunization finish line, and two very effective vaccines, with probably more on the way. If these sera find their way into enough peoples' arms in the coming months, it will turn the tide of this horrific plague and let us filter back into the lives that we mistakenly thought were hum-drum.

     As of now the virus is responsible for more American deaths than World War Two, and you're probably asking, how do you know? You're MUCH too young to have fought in World War Two. Well, I was two years-old at the time, because I was in the infantry, duh. Just kidding, I was never two years-old. But if you are a veteran of the Great War, at least you are old enough to get the vaccine, and you deserve it; thank you for your service. Just my luck, for once I'm NOT old enough for something, just when I need to be.

     Corona means "crown," and refers to those little spikey things coming out of the molecule, which looks like a pincushion on Red Bull. The virus gets into your cells and multiplies, causing all sorts of respiratory and other maladies. Imagine that your body is a show staged by Ricky Ricardo, and in walks Lucy with a goat. Lucy plays the part of the coronavirus, and the goat plays himself. All of a sudden there are 15 Lucys, singing and dancing badly while Ricky and the goat look on in horror. I'm surprised Dr. Fauci didn't already come up with this analogy. Anyway, the reason we're getting sick is because our bodies have never seen the type of spike protein that causes the disease before, so it doesn't know how to produce the proper antibodies.

     What the "messenger RNA" vaccine does is give the body a picture of a spike protein that looks just like a coronavirus, which replicates itself and causes a response in the form of antibodies. And when the body sees them again in the form of a real coronavirus, it knows just what to do. So the "message" the vaccine provides the immune system is, "here is what the spike protein looks like, and if you see one of these, whack it over the head with a ball peen hammer." Will this happen in MY body? Or will the vaccine deliver the message, "I would have given the instructions to your immune system, but you're out of toner."

     The mRNA molecule is encased in a fat cell to make it easier to enter the body, which is truthfully the LAST thing I need, since I gained 11 pounds since the start of the pandemic. Does this vaccine make me look fat? One of the vaccines is also stored at minus-70 degrees Celsius, so please thaw that thing out before you stick it in my arm, in case I forget to bring a sweater.

     Are there side effects? I saw a commercial on TV for a medication that was supposed to cure something that sounded like they just made up, and they listed the side effects as fever, dizziness, drowsiness, upset stomach and sometimes death. Sometimes DEATH? You might have mentioned that first, before I wandered off to the fridge. Even if death happens to me almost NEVER, just once or twice in all the times I took the medication, it's still going to be an inconvenience if it happens while I'm making dinner. Sometimes the ad says, "tell your doctor if you have high blood pressure." Shouldn't my doctor tell ME if I have high blood pressure? Sometimes the ad says one of the side effects is the very thing it's supposed to be curing. But in the case of the vaccines approved so far, side effects seem to be mild. A condition called anaphylaxis is statistically irrelevant, even though it sounds like someone I dated in High School, and I recall quite a few unwanted side effects from that.

     And there are some interesting possibilities on the way, such as a nasal dose for the vaccine that you inhale. If they can make the nasal dose smell like chocolate chip cookies, all those anti-vaxxers who are sitting on the fence will rip their pants climbing down from it so fast. But for the meantime, before we all have that messenger RNA swimming around in our bodies telling our immune systems what to do, keep that mask handy. Let's get the fashion industry in on it. What about a hazmat three-piece suit? How about a turtleneck sweater with a built-in gaiter? And when my name is called, I'll see you on line at Walgreen's. It's almost time to have some fun again. This summer I expect to be out on the beach with a cooler full of mimosas and my second dose of the vaccine. I'm going to jab myself in between waves and then go hug a stranger. Can antibody hear me?

2020: THE YEAR IN REVIEW- PART II

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (01-28-21)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

 

     You probably think you're pretty well-informed, read the "New York Times" and watch Fox News, even pick up "Popular Mechanics" every now and then. While I wouldn't brag about that, it would be worse if you went around picking up mechanics who weren't even that popular. But I bet you haven't heard these stories, because you don't look under the same rocks as I do. Here are more highlights from 2020.

MAN ACCIDENTALLY EJECTS HIMSELF FROM FIGHTER JET
     A 64 year-old French man whose colleagues arranged for him to fly in a fighter jet as a surprise, panicked and inadvertantly grabbed the ejector seat button, propelling him from the aircraft. He didn't even have his helmet secured properly, but escaped injury when his parachute successfully deployed. This is exactly the kind of thing that worries me when I drive my wife's new car. Nothing in it is labelled, so I have to figure out what the little icons that are above the buttons mean. There's an icon that looks like a snowflake which I pressed once, and it did start to snow, which gave me confidence. There is also a picture of what looks like a nuclear fallout symbol, so I avoided that. There is a picture of a car seat over one switch, and even though it might be an electric seat warmer, what if it isn't? If it's an ejector seat, I'm going to go flying over the Bear Mountain Bridge, AND my rear end will STILL be just as cold when I land.

BRAIN WRAPPED IN ALUMINUM FOIL WASHES UP ON BEACH
     A Wisconsin man found what looked to be a brain wrapped in aluminum foil on the shore of Lake Michigan. He immediately called police, who definitively determined that it was not one of theirs. The man mentioned to them that he thought it was a chicken breast at first, so good thing he did not become a surgeon. By the way, if you're looking for fresh thinking, try wrapping your brains in saran wrap and storing them in Tupperware instead of aluminum foil. I wish I had discovered that brain myself, I'd take great care of it, punch some holes in a shoe box and feed it every day. And my head, I'd be scratchin' while my thoughts were busy hatchin', if I only had a brain.

PREHISTORIC FOOTPRINTS OF WOMAN CARRYING A TODDLER BEING CHASED BY SABRE-TOOTHED CAT FOUND
     Footprints dating back 13,000 years were discovered in New Mexico that suggested the story of a woman carrying a child while trying to elude a sabre-toothed tiger, a mammoth and a giant sloth. What amazed me about this item is how much the scientists knew about this woman's comings and goings, and I wonder if maybe they were stalking her, too, but were smart enough to cover their tracks. The scientists concluded that some prehistoric events may not have occurred exactly as portrayed on "The Flintstones." By the way, I hope to have evolved enough to be able to outrun a sloth.

PARROTS IN WILDLIFE PARK MOVED AFTER SWEARING AT VISITORS
     Several African grey parrots at a British wildlife park were removed from public areas after the staff noticed them hurling expletives at the guests. Apparently, due to the pandemic more people than usual donated parrots to the park, and people in quarantine tend to curse a lot. In my fantasy, the zoo management finds out that the attendant near the parrot has a habit of swearing all the time and they bring him into the office with the intention of firing him, but it turns out he learned the words from the parrots. By the way, I have a joke: a priest, a rabbi and a parrot walk into a wildlife park. I haven't finished it yet, but the parrot swears it's funny.

MAGIC POTTY SURPRISE
     I felt compelled to include this toy in the Year in Review simply so I could review it one more time. Magic Potty Surprise is a doll that you feed special food that it comes with, and let it drink from its sippy cup. When it's done, it goes to the bathroom on its own potty. It pees glitter and poops special charms for a charm bracelet. This sounds bizzare, but it's true, and I knew girls in high school and college who suffered from similar delusions, and hence would not give me the time of day. Thank goodness I wore a watch. If you really want to brighten up your day, go onto any site where they sell this doll, and look at the reviews. One said (and I swear I'm not kidding), "Worked correctly only the first time. After the first time it clogged and will no longer pee in the potty. We have had to pour the water out of her mouth." As crazy as this all sounds, the doll might be useful in teaching children not to set your expectations too high during toilet training.

     These are the stories that captured our imagination in the year 2020. The fact that our imagination was eventually returned to us unharmed is truly a blessing.
 

2020: THE YEAR IN REVIEW- PART I

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (01-21-21)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

 
2020 was such a rotten year, I can't believe it even needs a review. I give it two thumbs down right off the top of my head, three if I could get my hands on another thumb, or vice versa. And yet important things did happen, events that will be remembered through time immemorial. Here are some that are likely to forgotten moments before you read them.

GOING TO MUSEUMS MAY INCREASE LIFESPAN
Every time I go to a museum, by the fourth exhibit my back is killing me and by the fifth, my knees are killing me. Then I have to crane my neck to peer over an entire Japanese tour group to read the English translation of something that turns out to be the fire exit plan, and by then my neck is killing me. And yet a study out of London found that people who visit museums on a regular basis had a 31 percent lower risk of early death as comapred with people who didn't. About half that percentage could be explained by the fact that most museum-goers don't live in neighborhoods where people often shoot at museums, but the other half had no readily explainable factors.

KIM KARDASHIAN FANS REFUSE TO BELIEVE HER BUTT IS REAL AFTER INSTAGRAM PICTURE
When I noticed this headline I was shocked that after seeing a picture of Kim Kardashian, anyone would believe her rear end to be imaginary. Turns out followers of the famous reality star who saw a photo of her as a teenager believe that her backside has been enhanced surgically, or possibly through the injection of a medium-sized ottoman. Kardashian, the butt of this criticism, remains impervious to the allegations, citing diet, exercise and shapewear as the reasons for her ponderous posterior, although ironically those reasons are usually credited for downsizing a derriere. I understand what she's going through, because people who viewed an Instagram post of me as a teenager have trouble believing that my college diploma is real.

STUDY FINDS THAT DOGS POOP IN ALIGNMENT WITH EARTH’S MAGNETIC FIELD
A research article in the publication, "Frontiers in Zoology" reported that dogs tend to position their bodies in a north and south direction as they are moving their bowels. So, you can take a Shih Tzu on the Tropic of Capricorn, and you can take a Cockapoo on the 39th parallel, but probably nothing will happen. I took a compass outside with me to make an informal study of my dog doing her business, and I found that my dog is the Businesswoman of the Year. I pointed her facing north and things went south in a hurry. A related study found that money allocated to study things was pooped out pretty much haphazardly.

ALBATROSSES USED AS FLYING SPIES TO DETECT ILLEGAL FISHING BOATS
Research out of France indicated that albatrosses fitted with a special satellite positioning device could detect the presence of illegal fishing vessels. The birds were originally being studied for habits that might explain their declining population, and scientists inadvertantly discovered that they were following boats that operated outside of governmental monitoring to feed on their unused bait. Most of the seabirds that were interviewed opted for a GPS voice that sounded like an albatross with a British accent. The broader question is, now that albatrosses have a GPS, will they even bother with fishing boats when they can find the quickest route to Taco Bell?

WOMAN NURTURES PLANT FOR YEARS BEFORE LEARNING IT WAS FAKE
A lady in California carefully watered her succulent and cleaned its leaves for two years until, when trying to repot it, found that it was made of plastic. She was surprised and embarassed, but the plant turned into a social media star. I have a cactus that I haven't watered for years, hoping that it too is made of plastic. I can't really pick it up and check underneath, lest I turn into a human pincushion. Even if it is made of plastic, I'm pretty sure I could kill it. The take-away from all this is that you have to pay close attention to your plant's succulence, maybe even suck on it once in a while to make sure it's real. Unlike the cactus, I was aware of my succulents' problems, but I swept them under the rug. That only made things worse, because they got very little sunlight there. Hey, by the way, has anyone taken a close look at this lady's children? Just curious.

Feel free to research these stories on your own, although it also might be true that you've heard way too much already. I'll be back next week with some more important stories of 2020.