CAN AI REALLY SAVE US?

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (02-29-24)

 
     I had a random thought the other day (which I guess technically makes it an accident) that artificial intelligence may never be used for anything useful. I know that sounds cynical, and I want to believe that great things will lie ahead, and that AI won't simply be put to work figuring out new ways to scam us, coming up with fake photos and videos to support goofy conspiracy theories and proliferating content that I'll probably have to delete from my web browser but I swear I didn't look at any longer than was absolutely necessary.

     I came across an article imparting generous qualities to AI, which said that it could "execute plans," "learn and become better" and "predict future outcomes based on historical trends." It was so self-flatteringly like a George Santos job resumé that it must have been written by AI. But we're not at the Saving-The-World stage yet; there are still some bugs to be worked out. "WOW, Watson, I heard that you wrote up a plan that can save our company by predicting future outcomes based on historical trends! That's wonderful!" "Why, thank you. I discovered that your company has always spent more money than it has taken in, and I predict that you will continue to do that." "That is awesome! And I heard that you will keep on learning and getting BETTER!" "Yes, my goal is to be better than Bing. I am already nicer-looking, taller and more modest." "I can't thank you enough for putting together this plan. When will you execute it?" "I already have. That's it in the corner, that pile of dust. I executed it this morning by firing squad."

     Instead of beating around the bush maybe I'll just ask you directly: Hey, Artificial Intelligentsia, if you're such a genius, how about inventing a traffic light that can take a look across the street to see if anyone's coming, and since nobody is, turn itself green? It's lonely sitting there by myself. How about telling us how to manufacture an easy-open package of cheese that opens easily? I recently found myself in a cheese emergency, and comitted a felonious assault on Swiss cheese with a Swiss Army knife.

     Hey AI, maybe you can figure out how to make the Real Housewives look realer? Make them look like they did before they had al that plastic surgery, and charge them for it AGAIN. How about coming up with some better ways to crossbreed animals and plants? Why can't we cross a leek with a seal and cure the problem before it even starts? How can we mate an impala with a jack-in-the-pulpit in case it gets a flat? Okay maybe I should think back inside the box.

     One thing AI should not be used for is creating art. The most interesting thing about art is often not the art itself, but the glimpse into the artist's brain. AI has no artists brain, it just has the ability to take a look at everything that has ever been painted, written or composed, and make up a different version of it. I'll give you an example of how this is bad: Every time I watch a basketball game, since someone decided long ago that Americans can't survive in a quiet surrounding, there comes blaring through the sound system almost ceaselessly something that is not music, not the sounds of the game, not useful information of any kind, but a series of noises accompanied by a loud ticking sound, that I suppose is meant to resemble a percussion instrument. I complain about it every time to my wife, and she agrees that it is annoying and repetitive. Not the noise, but the sound of me complaining. I am convinced that whoever is in charge of music at the arena, being granted a budget of, well, zero, turned to AI to generate an artificial soundtrack that was not subject to music publishing royalties. And so, in its wisdom, AI scoured the internet and learned that at every basketball game, ticking noises were being played, and it assumed that it was because we loved them, and figured out how to generate them louder and more often.

     So I'm hoping that this great tool, which could affect the course of mankind will someday be applied to the grand purpose of solving problems we don't even have yet. Medical science, the planning of cities, manufacturing, finding renewable energy are noble pursuits. But let's start small. First, let's figure out how to stop people from scamming us, how to identify fake political conspiracy theories and how to better hide my browser history.

2023: THE YEAR IN REVIEW- PART II

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (02-01-24)

 

     Even though 2024 is already up and running, we still have some loose ends to tie up from 2023, and once we tie them up, hopefully they'll stay put. Here are the stories that the fake news media wish they would have thought of first.

STANLEY INSULATED WATER CUPS BECOME MUST-HAVE COMMODITY
In 2023 the item most sought-after by people who go around seeking after stuff was the "Quencher," a 40-ounce Thermos-like drinking flagon from the Stanley Brand drinking cup company, affectionately known as the "Stanley cup." The huge stainless steel vessel is only slightly smaller than the Stanley Cup awarded to the winner of the NHL finals, but if you are ice skating and you happen to run out of ice, this gargantuan stein will hold enough to get you back home. The cup's large capacity also makes it possible to travel in your car for extended periods without stopping, provided the capacity of your bladder is at all comparable. However, drinking 40 ounces of anything on a regular basis may be enough for family members to organize an intervention for you.

SNAKE FALLS OUT OF SKY ONTO WOMAN
In Texas a woman was treated at a hospital for wounds and abrasions after reporting that a snake fell onto her out of the sky and wrapped itself around her arm, whereupon a hawk swooped down and snatched it, in the process jerking her arm in directions that only hawks and snakes would consider normal. It appeared to be a living demonstration of the food chain in action; Had an alert fox been wandering in the area, he might have attacked all three of them, moments before a mountain lion jumped out of nowhere and consumed the terrified tetrad, followed by a lawyer, who eats defendants like that for lunch every day in the courtroom. By the way the next day the lawyer is bitten by a malaria-carrying mosquito but recovers, only to die after being stung by criticism.

NEWLY-ACQUIRED FOUR-TIME MVP AARON RODGERS INJURES HIMSELF IN FIRST SERIES WITH JETS
The NFL New York Jets team traded for veteran star quarterback Aaron Rodgers, who sustained a season-ending achilles tendon tear just four plays into the first game. This probably occurred right after someone optimistically said, "Wow, it'll be so great to have a completely healthy Aaron Rogers for at least the next 4 minutes!" It was ironic news to opponents of the ten-time Pro Bowler, who spent his first 18 seasons looking for his achilles heel in the completely wrong place. It's also eerily reminiscent of when Achilles himself was drafted into the Army of Agamemnon, and everyone said FINALLY, we have the bravest, strongest, ablest warrior who can throw a spear downfield for 40 yards with ZERO interceptions and we'll finally win a battle, and look what happened. At least Aaron Rodgers damaged the tendon while earning millions of dollars playing a difficult and dangerous sport. By contrast, had it been me, I would have sustained the injury doing something embarrassing like practicing the Electric Slide before a mirror or taking a bath with my cat.

ARCHAEOLOGISTS DISCOVER THAT ANCIENT PEOPLE WHO CAME TO ALASKA FROM SIBERIA SOMETIMES WENT BACK
The earliest Native Americans who crossed the land that now rests underwater sometimes crossed back, according to a study published in Current Biology. This confirms what we know today, which is that promises of great pizza, reliable internet connections, readily available public toilets and convenient parking have gone largely unfulfilled. Making that passage is also much harder now that we installed the Bering Strait and got Mexico to pay for it.

POLICE USE MAN'S DOG TO SAVE HIM FROM ICY LAKE
In a Lassie-like incident, a man who fell through the ice into a lake in Michigan was pulled out using a disc that was brought to him by his own dog, Ruby. The device, which ironically was shaped like a frisbee, was attached to a rope, by which the officer and firefighter pulled the man to shore. It is not known whether they were then able to rescue the disc from the dog. My own pet, Gidget, while not technically a rescue dog, is extremely smart, and I'm sure she would have devised a plan by herself without any intervention from the fire department, as long as it involved a tennis ball, a cat, a block-and-tackle, a squeakie toy in the shape of a squirrel and cheese. It isn't as far-fetched as it sounds, which is convenient because my dog won't fetch very far.

     Well, that sums up the year 2023 in a nutshell, and judging from these items, it couldn't be more apparent that that's where nuts come from.