DO YOU HEAR WHAT I HEAR

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (12-21-23)

 

     Christmas is certainly the holiday with the best soundtrack, and all that music, with its references of snow, cozy firelit family-oriented gatherings and giving, extends to everyone of any culture and creed who feels like celebrating. No matter what you have to be thankful for or whom you have to be thankful with, music will help you do it. And by the time you've heard "Carol of the Bells"

     My favorite winter date night is two seats at Garrison Keillor's Prairie Home Companion at the Town Hall on 43rd Street. When I visit the town hall in any other city it's usually for a different reason, but paying for a ticket is one thing the two experiences have in common. The Prairie Home Companion in December has a healthy dose of Christmas songs, droll radio-style skits about winter in New York City and some fun poked at those in need of it. I'd guess there are some who have red marks from getting fun poked at them so many times over the years.

     On hand was Ellie Dehn, an opera soprano, which reminded me of my Mom who was always trying to get me to embrace opera music by playing "Die Fledermaus" on the record player and wafting it over in my general direction with her hands. It didn't make me like opera but it did make me love my Mom even more. I still don't know why they need all that heavy vibrato, like you're trying to sing while driving over railroad tracks.

     At the end of the evening we all sang "Silent Night" together, all 1,495 of us not counting the performers. The irony of how any newborn Savior is supposed to sleep through that was not lost on me. Garrison Kiellor was smart enough not to let the soprano start it in some ridiculous key only she could sing. A song cannot choose its writer, and classics will be classics even though they they might contain some weird references. But I can't help thinking that "tender and mild" better describes a habanero pepper.

     I remember when I was a kid and our neighbor Mrs. Goldsmith led us around the neighborhood singing Christmas carols, even though she was Jewish. She liked the songs kept a Christmas tree and didn't take things too seriously. I'm not sure if you could get away with caroling in this day and age; people are naturally suspicious that anyone who makes contact with them in any way is somehow angling for a sales opportunity. In those days you might even get some cookies, but now? "Ma'am, do you mind if I run a couple tests on the cookie first? I'm an ovo-lacto vegan with gluten and nut allergies, and I only eat free-range baked goods that have not been experimented on animals." "Don't worry, it's made of plastic."

     The theater staff at the Town Hall might have been wondering what all that Tupperware was for when they searched my knapsack on the way in, but I'm sure they've seen a lot weirder stuff than that. Some of the other stuff in my knapsack, for instance. I needed it because afterward we went next door to our favorite Italian restaurant, and even though we split one meal it's still way too much food to finish unless it's 2:00 in the morning and you're alone and no one is watching and you make last-minute plans to run a triathlon the next day. 

     Not everywhere was there holiday harmony. There were tears flowing all around us at the restaurant. We were surrounded by two couples out on their own date nights on either side of us, and emotions among the women were running high. They may have been tears of sorrow or tears of joy, but at least they weren't bored to tears. The couple on our right looked like they might have been visiting New York from another country, and I couldn't read how the evening was going. Words were exchanged, voices were raised, makeup was running, and there was literally a bone to pick. She took her fork and moved it toward his face, but he opened his mouth and swallowed whatever was on it in a deft defensive move. On our other side was clearly a fight, which seemed pretty serious until dessert arrived. Closing arguments were concluded and a verdict was reached and a banana was the only thing that was split. I swear there are some couples who like to break up deeply just so it takes longer to make up.

     But for us, nothing beats a date night in New York City at Christmas time. Walking back to Grand Central you could see the twinkling lights down 6th Avenue. It turned out to be an ambulance, but even if all you give someone for Christmas is a cold, it's the thought that counts.

FINDING CHRISTMAS

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (12-14-23)

 

     The older I get, the longer it takes to get myself into the Holiday spirit. I guess that's only natural, since it takes me longer now to do just about anything, especially if I have to get up out of a chair to do it. But I'll get there. When I was growing up my family used to decorate our Christmas tree on Christmas Eve, and that would certainly excite each of my senses. The smell of the pine, the sight of the lights playing through the branches, the feel of the resiny boughs, the sound of the cat throwing up in the corner. I told it not to try to eat tinsel but cats think they know everything.

     If Hallmark Christmas movies can get you into a yuletide frame of mind, they started in July and they're still going on.  A weird apogee will one day occur when Hallmark will have finally produced enough Christmas movies to run them back-to-back from December 26th for the entire year.

     I just want to get through the day without thinking that I blew my chance to make someone happy. I concede that I'm not the greatest gift-giver. You're supposed to put yourself in the other person's shoes and figure out what they would want if you were them. I do the next best thing, and put the other person in my shoes and figure out what they would want if they were me. And when Christmas is in the rear view mirror and you can barely make it out, I see those very same shoes in the closet and ask, "Hey Honey, it doesn't look like you've worn these size 11 shoes I got you- do you mind if I try them on?"

     Part of the problem is timing- anything we really need, we never seem to need two weeks before Christmas. And that leaves two categories: stuff that we don't really need, and stuff that we REALLY don't really need. There's another rule of thumb that says to get a gift that the other person wouldn't get for themself. I can always check that box with no problem.

     If you want to get someone a traditional present, there are some time-honored favorites, like the Chia Pet. In 2008 the Chia company introduced versions of their sprouting figures based on presidential candidates, and according to their website, sales figures have predicted the winner of the White House. I will say that Chia hair was not a flattering look for Mitt Romney, and it may have cost him the presidency

     Another great gift is Flex Seal, and the entire Flex Seal family of products. Armed with a roll of that you can cut your powerboat in half with a chain saw, then duct tape it back together for your next fishing trip. On their website you can purchase a leather-bound Flex Seal journal in which you can document the best two days of boat ownership: the day you buy the boat and the day you sell it. If you did cut it in half it will be easier to split the profits.

     A lot of gifts these days focus on technology. One of the "Best Gifts of 2023," according to an on-line article of the New York Times, is a flame-less lighter that emits a plasma arc. I'm not sure what a plasma arc is, but just for fun I'd like to point it at Superman and see if anything happens.

     How about the Black Falcon mini-drone? It comes with a 360-degree camera and it's own carrying case, although if you have to carry it with you you probably don't know how to work it. The promotional video shows beautiful aerial views from it soaring high above the Alps, and not over the house down the street that has a pool and is rented by four college girls.

     And yet some gifts hearken back to a day when words like "hearken" were popular. Like Tote-A-Fort, the portable fort-making kit that comes with nylon sheets and Velcro straps so your kids can make their own private hideaway anywhere, and indulge themselves outside of your purvey with something that will eventually get them sent to military school.

     What about a bouquet of flowers that you assemble yourself using Lego parts? If you know someone who just retired and is getting on your nerves staying at home all day and has already cut his boat in half, why not put him to work making a pretty parcel of posies made up of parts that will eventually somehow get stuck in your foot?

     The gift of giving is the thing that will put you into the holiday mood. Seeing that smile on her face that says, "It's just like YOU to get me THAT," makes it all worthwhile. And while Flex Tape may not be the most romantic gift, it did save our waterbed, and that is a TRUE Christmas miracle.