THE YEAR IN REVIEW- 2018

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (01-10-19)

      You've probably seen all those other "Year in Review" articles in the fake news mainstream media, but right now I'm going to recap the stories that are really important, the issues that are the most meaningful to your everyday lives. These are true stories, and the truest thing about them is that I made up a whole bunch of stuff to go with them. If you'd like to delve more deeply into these stories, you should probably seek some form of therapy.

FAN WEARING BUCKET ON HIS HEAD INJURED BY FALLING SCOREBOARD PIECE AT WRIGLEY FIELD
     If the fan had not had the bucket on his head he would have been seriously injured. As it was, he was humorously injured. He needed five staples in his head, one to close a small wound and the other four to attach him to an outgoing email. It's possible that seeing a game at Wrigley Field was on this guy's bucket list, but did anyone explain to him that you don't need to involve an actual bucket? If not, let me be the first.

FACEBOOK ACCUSED OF INTRODUCING EXTREMISTS TO EACH OTHER USING 'SUGGESTED FRIENDS' FEATURE
     ISIS apparently used Facebook to recruit new jihadists using the "Suggested Friends" utility, a complicated algorithm that helps users connect with other people who share the same interests. Extremists were able to share propaganda, radicalizing techniques and cat videos. With suggested friends like that, who needs suggested enemies?

BRINKS TRUCK DROPS MONEY ONTO HIGHWAY, POLICE URGE PEOPLE TO RETURN MONEY
     The bags of cash apparently fell out of the vehicle from a door that was not properly secured or failed mechanically, and the drivers were unaware of the problem until passengers in an adjacent car alerted them using the customary sign language for "Hey knucklehead: $600,000 dollars in cash just dropped out of your truck!" So many people came out of the woodwork to scoop up the money that they had to install new woodwork on I-70.

STUDY FINDS DIET RICH IN SEAFOOD BOOSTS LIBIDO
     The findings of this study showed that if both partners ate seafood on the same day, the odds of them having sex increased 39 percent, although not necessarily with each other. They first tried to implement the survey using fish as subjects, but after eating the seafood they had no partners left.

ROBOT PUTS IKEA CHAIR TOGETHER IN 20 MINUTES
     That's the good news. The bad news is that the robot is also from IKEA, so you have to wait until the robot puts itself together first. The robot spent 12 minutes planning motion pathways, three seconds locating the parts, 9 minutes putting the chair together and another 20 minutes trying to figure out what to do with the extra bolt that was in the bag. After spending all that time assembling the "Stefan" model dining room chair, the robot realized it could not sit in it and promptly left the room in tears.

SCIENTISTS ACCIDENTALLY PRODUCE AN ENZYME THAT DEVOURS PLASTIC
     Discovering the enzyme was the easy part, since they discovered it accidentally. The hard part was getting into their wives' purse next to their credit cards. Researchers are currently trying to ascertain whether the protein is safe to be around the Kardashians.

RUNNERS COMPETE IN NORTH POLE MARATHON
     It would almost be worth competing in this race just so you'd have an excuse to go up there and see once and for all whether there really is a Santa Claus or not. Probably the nicest thing you could say about a North Pole marathon is that at the end, at least you'd be 26.2 miles away from it.

EXTREME COLD CAUSES IGUANAS TO FALL FROM TREES IN FLORIDA
     Last January when the temperature in Florida dipped below 40 degrees, green iguanas were immobilized and dropped from their perches onto the ground. Due to the risk of salmonella poisoning, health officials warn people not to pick up the iguanas, especially at singles bars, no matter how sexy they are dressed or how many drinks you've had.

     I'll be back next week to wrap up the Year in Review!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (01-03-19)

      My birthday is Christmas day, and this year is a big one. I won't mention the number, but suffice it to say that I am easing comfortably into middle age, provided that I live to be 120 years old. It's already bad enough having your birthday on Christmas, when people are concentrating on giving gifts to everyone else. I don't recall being traumatized by this when I was growing up, and I suppose I was as valued and loved as any one kid in a family of six children could be, meaning that if my parents forgot me at the supermarket for a couple days they always came by to pick me up eventually.

     Yes, I share my birthday with a famous person. If you guessed Rickey Henderson you are correct. The Hall of Fame baseball player and I are the same age. He ran so often and was thrown out so seldom that when he retired they gave him a gold replica of second base. If I was a thief I would break into his house and take it, just so I could say I stole one more base than Rickey Henderson.

      And of course, Jesus was a Christmas baby, that goes without saying. Jesus doesn't have as many stolen bases as Rickey Henderson, because thou shalt not steal, DUH. Jesus and I are both Capricorns, so we have certain things in common. We were born under the sign of the goat, and I'll tell you right now, if you are a goat and you were not born between December 22nd and January 19th you're never going to hear the end of it. Jesus was born in a manger, so it's possible that he was born under an actual goat. I was born in Queens, so that's where the similarity ends. Capricorn is an Earth sign and is ruled by the planet Saturn. I say, if I'm going to be ruled by a planet, put a ring on it. And thank god it's not Uranus.

      Capricorns have certain personality traits, if you believe in that stuff. They say that Capricorns are stubborn. I disagree, and you'll never, ever, ever get me to change my mind. Capricorns are
known for their sarcasm. I don't notice that in myself, but listen to this quote by Jesus from the book of Matthew, 10:40: "He who receives you receives me, and he who receives me receives the one who sent me." You have to admit that one is pretty sweet. It is also said that Capricorns give good advice. There's a lot of great advice in the Bible, naturally. I give great advice myself, all the time, although it may take years before it gets recognized as great. I just made this proverb up, but it shows my facility for wisdom of this type, so you can take this advice, and if it works, let me know: "You shall go forth, and if anything happens to the first three, get the hell out of there."

      I actually don't mind getting older, and I'm trying to age naturally. I remember back when I was 6 months old and people used to tell me how adorable I was. Then age caught up with me and when I was two, people were asking me if I had had any work done. At around 50 my hair started turning what most people call gray, but I refer to as ultra-blonde highlights. Now I have a very distinguished "salt and pepper" look, although I think I need to put my hair on a low-sodium diet, and every time a waiter comes around with the pepper shaker I ask him to grind a little onto my head to even things out.

      There are actually some things that get better as you age. For instance, I've become more patient over the years. Well, not me personally, but I've heard that people become more patient over the years. I can't even seem to tolerate children in hospitals and mistreated animals anymore on lengthy television commercials. I feel very guilty about that, but perhaps when I'm older and more patient I'll feel otherwise. Another great thing about this time of life is that people look to youfor wisdom. Someone said to me just the other day that I am more of a wise guy now than I ever was. I've also learned to take life slower. For instance, it takes me about five minutes to get up out of a chair. The downside is that maybe I'm not as quick on the uptake as I used to be. I find myself thinking only of things that are no-brainers these days. But you have to take the good with the bad, and that's what I'm going to do.

      So Mom and Dad, if you're out there and you have a Christmas baby, take a little time away from your gift giving to give an extra birthday gift to that special child. And if you have a Thanksgiving baby, take a little time away from giving thanks to give some extra birthday thanks. And if you have a Valentine's Day baby, take a little time away from, well, never mind, just get around to the birthday celebration whenever you can, and we'll see you next November for the baby shower.
 

THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (12-27-18)

      I went to the office Christmas party last week in Studio 41 at the television network where I work. They had the room all dolled up with intricate lighting and a sound system. There was a nice crowd there, many sporting Christmas sweaters depicting ugly reindeer, ugly Santas and ugly snowmen, none having their finest moments. I made the rounds with my crew from the Operations 

department, and we infiltrated other tables, hijacked small talk and expropriated conversations. 

      The week before the party the company released a training module about sexual harassment that everyone had to complete. The timing was interesting, for what office party of yesteryear could live in infamy without deplorable conduct? It's not the kind of idea that I would ever entertain, although I can be quite entertaining to all sorts of other ideas. And thankfully I haven't noticed a whole lot of sexual harassment in my 38-year career at the network, despite its popularity at the moment. Aside from actual crimes, revisiting entire past histories of behavior that existed in a different social context may not be a productive way to spend our time, when we could be deciding whether dirty jokes are still acceptable. My guess is that it depends on how funny the joke is. Probably the saltiest thing anyone ever said in my presence at work came out of a small anchorwoman whose name you'd probably know. But I wonder if those training modules offer a how-to course for people who otherwise might not have had any working skills at all on the subject. "Jason continued to insinuate that a one-on-one meeting in his hot tub could advance Dawn's career, even though she had made it obvious that she wasn't interested by saying, 'Seriously????' Should she have a.) Reported him to a Human Resources representative; b.) Told her supervisor about it; or c.) Said 'Seriously????' louder, so the whole room could hear it?" I completed the training module but I didn't get all the questions right, so I guess we all have some work to do.

 

      As titillating as all the recent salacious allegations are- and if I even use the word "titillating" I'm taking a chance- I have more important issues at the office Christmas party. I'm trying to find the chicken Francaise at the steam tables. I know it's got to be here somewhere. The food looks pretty good in the low light where you can't analyze things too carefully. Someone mentions that there is a carving station in the corner. I went over there to see for myself, but it was just one of the cafeteria ladies slicing a roast beef. I guess I was expecting something more, like maybe scrimshaw or a totem pole.

      I walk past the sushi table, and I can't imagine sushi at a Christmas party for some reason. My wife recently said that she had a sushi sandwich, which I found fascinating. You could make a sandwich out of anything, I guess. Could you make a pizza sandwich? Could you make a soup sandwich? A salad sandwich? What about a sandwich with another sandwich inside? I finally found the chicken Francaise, and then I had to go to the other side of the studio to get a drink. On the way I wondered if I could make a sandwich out of my chicken Francaise.

      If you hang around the bar long enough, you can get a good idea of what's in store for the rest of the party and from whom. On the other hand, if you hang around the bar long enough your own reputation may suffer. I don't drink a drop during the week, not even a tiny drop, so I start to place bets with myself on who's going to dominate the conversation tomorrow.

     They have a guy who sings old Bobby Darin songs and other stuff from the 50s and 60s, and he was in fine form. He's got a lounge-singer routine with a lot of pointing, clapping, finger snapping and yelling "HEY!" in the middle of a verse if the verse starts to dull up on you. He's got a whole stage rap that revolves around his cousin, who allegedly played with Frankie Valle or something back in the day. The music wasn't overly loud but his jacket was. After 10 or 12 songs that sounded like "Runaround Sue" he turned things over to the DJ, who announced that he had a karaoke machine. 

     People were starting to get a little bolder, and employees who never knew they could sing gave the rest of us the opportunity to never know it also. A gal from Audience Services got up and sang a Salt-N-Pepa song, not too bad. She didn't sound like Salt, and she didn't sound like Pepa, but she did sound like N, I guess. Then a group of about 15 IT workers got up and sang what must have been the Indian version of "Paradise By the Dashboard Light." They were really working it and having a great old time, and I wondered if, a.) the karaoke machine actually knew Hindi, and if, b.) this wouldn't be a great time to hack into the payroll department.

 

     There was a photo booth with a lot of props and costume items available so that you could really dress up a future extortion attempt. These days you have to be careful and take ownership of your own content, including which photos are taken of you. One Halloween I went to three parties dressed as "Miss Universe," with a blue dress (size 16 in case you're wondering- Christmas is coming up), big boobs and a sash and tiara, only I was from another planet in the Universe, not from Earth, so I had antennae and other alien accessories. Everybody took a picture with me. But fast-forwarding ahead, what if I turn out to be the last candidate left to be Trump's Chief of Staff, and these photos come out in the Globe and my political career is ruined because Trump insists that I was not born in the United States or even on Earth? So I didn't take any snapshots in the photo booth with a pirate hat and oversize glasses, although I do need new glasses. 

     I'd like to wish everyone a very Happy Holiday!

YULETIDE RIPTIDE

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (12-20-18)

      Last Friday we went to the taping of NPR's "Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!" radio quiz program at Carnegie Hall. We eventually made it to the show, which was very funny as always. But of course we first had to go see the Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center. There were so many people around, I just knew it was going to be a madhouse.

     We stop for coffee, and I pour it from their cardboard cup into my plastic travel cup, which I brought with me from home. You're probably thinking, well I couldn't begin to guess what you're thinking, but I hate drinking coffee out of a cardboard or styrofoam cup for some reason. A ceramic mug would be even better, and I like my coffee SO hot that I have to open my mouth during the tongue-burning process and fan cooler air into it before I swallow. Every other day a study comes out that says coffee is the best thing for you, and on the other days a different study says you'll drop dead if you have more than two cups. So I risk third degree burns and possible heart disease before I even get to the artificial sweetener, which probably causes cancer. If it doesn't, they'll have to re-think their packaging. Try fitting "Sweet 'N Low 'N Non-Carcinogenic" onto a 2 3/8-inch packet.

      I wait a few moments to make sure I've survived the coffee, then we proceed towards the tree, enjoying the busy rhythms of the City during this most festive of all seasons. We can't get close enough to Sak's Fifth Avenue to check out the holiday window scenes, so I told my wife to just enjoy some of the other decorative windows on display. For instance, at the Verizon Store, they had a colorful diorama depicting a reindeer with a very good data plan. When we got to 50th Street it was SO crowded in Rockefeller Center you could hardly get near the tree. We should have gone to see it wherever it was before they cut it down, but for some reason it didn't seem important then. We're herded into the designated tree-viewing area by a combination of traffic barriers, crowd-control police and a border collie.

      I saw an unattended knapsack cable-locked to a signpost. I gazed at it suspiciously. What were its intentions? Am I seeing something? Should I be saying something? There were three cops in riot gear ten feet away from it, so I assumed they had seen it, scanned it, sniffed it, Mirandized it and released it. I thought about pouring my cold coffee on it to disable it in case it was a bomb, but if it contained the cops' spare helmets or something, I'd have some explaining to do downtown. By the way, it would be convenient if they had another police station uptown so I could do my explaining a little closer.

      I told my wife to be careful of pickpockets. I don't carry a whole lot of cash around with me, for the good reason that I don't have a lot of cash. So pickpockets, if you're out there, you could pick a better pocket to pick. But I lost my wallet once and it was a big pain in the neck to replace all the stuff I keep in there- as every guy knows, your wallet is like having a small filing cabinet in your pants. It's much more convenient than having a large filing cabinet in your pants, so if somebody makes off with it, I've got to get it back. First, we identify the pickpocket. I yell, "OMIGOD SOMEBODY STOLE MY WALLET!" And then quickly look around- the person who seems unsurprised by this is the thief. Well, it turns out EVERYONE in New York City is unsurprised by this.

     Once we find the guy, we have to reverse-pick his pocket. I'll create a diversion and you get the wallet back. What could be the diversion? I know how to play "Flight of the Bumble Bee" by tapping my cheeks really fast. I don't think it's a diverse enough diversion, but I do it anyway just to show you I can. I'll keep things simple- I'm going to trip over the curb right at the guy and he's going to have to use both hands to catch me, and you snatch the wallet back. Just as I'm getting ready to go, two people trip over the curb, and it throws off my timing. What if he's got more than one wallet in his pocket? Whatever wallet I end up with is likely to have more cash, a better credit limit and nicer wallet-sized photos, so I'm not too worried about it.

      Finally we're close enough to get a selfie. I have long arms, so I take the selfie phone and try to get a picture of us in front of the tree. Every position I hold the phone in presses a different button on the side. First, I've turned the lens around so it's facing the back of a busker in a Santa suit who looks like he might be trying to dodge a stack of warrants with the disguise. Then I launch an app that puts fluffy ears and cat whiskers onto the back of crackhead Santa's head. Next, I hack into the Equifax database by mistake. Meanwhile people are paused politely waiting for us to take the damned selfie. Finally a young girl comes over and grabs the phone. "Give me that, I'm a Millennial." And she snaps three perfect photos without any further ado. Then a fat guy enters the crowd three blocks away, and when the ripple effect reaches us we're forced out onto Sixth Avenue. Just as we're leaving two more people trip over that curb at the pickpocket area, and I wonder if maybe crime really does pay.