2021: THE YEAR IN REVIEW- Part I

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD ( 01-06-22)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

2021: THE YEAR IN REVIEW- Part I
     This was the year that, well, not a whole lot may have happened to you, other than whatever happened in your living room. It was almost worth setting up an obstacle course between there and the kitchen, just so you don't find yourself out of practice when the world starts revolving again. But there were some weird stories out there, and even though I'm telling you that you can't make this stuff up, in this case I actually didn't.

CANADIANS WARNED NOT TO LET MOOSE LICK THEIR CARS
     Last winter electronic signs appeared in Jasper, Alberta, because moose craving salt often find it by slurping the road salt off of car panels. I crave salt sometimes and tried this myself and I could see why it was so dangerous, until someone told me to wait until the cars had stopped. The moose population in the area had grown due to the decline in wolves, and more interactions between humans and moose had been reported. Despite their unusual nature, there were no complaints about the signs from anyone except disappointed cars.

326 MILLION YEAR-OLD MILLIPEDE FOSSIL DISCOVERED IN AUSTRALIA
     The fossilized remains of a giant millipede were discovered when a piece of sandstone fell off a cliff in Northumberland near where a PhD student happened to be walking by. Scientists are still counting its legs to verify its authenticity, but the invertebrate is thought to have lived in the Carboniferous Period before dinosaurs were invented, and even before they came out with the gigapede. Researchers noted that the creature was "as big as a car," which is just rubbing it in for those of us who can't get a car due to the microchip shortage. I don't want to change the subject here, but it's possible that someday in the future a PhD student who happens to be walking by will discover the fossilized remains of my Dodge Dart, which scientists believe to be as big as a prehistoric millipede.

GOVERNMENT RELEASES REPORT ON UFOS
     In June the Office of the Director of National Intelligence issued its Preliminary Assessment of "Unidentified Aerial Phenomena." It was the document that nuts and weirdos have been waiting on for decades, in which the U.S. government finally outlines what they know about the sightings of 144 flying objects, which is almost nothing. The report theorizes that there are probably many different explanations, such as "Airborne Clutter," under which heading it lists birds and plastic bags. What are they trying to hide? The one case that was definitively explained was identified as a large balloon with escaping air, which was somewhat deflating. It reminds me of when people saw Superman flying around and they said, "LOOK! Up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane!" And I said, "Haven't you people seen birds and planes before? Try to get a grip on yourselves and maybe cut down on the espresso." But to think that people from other planets are flying around disguised as plastic bags defies military intelligence. The reality is this: If you were an alien living somewhere with potable water, breathable atmosphere and decent wi-fi, why on Earth would you come here? No one would travel millions of light years through a vacuum, to a planet where smart scientists are made fun of by non-bright people on Facebook.

VENOMOUS SNAKE FOUND IN FAMILY'S CHRISTMAS TREE
     A couple in the Western Cape of South Africa noticed their cat staring at the Christmas tree, and found the source of his fascination to be a four foot boomslang, a highly poisonous snake perched in its branches. This is the kind of thing you usually see on TV, when you know too much and somebody tries to kill you by leaving a snake in your refrigerator. I saw this exact thing on Starsky and Hutch. Surprisingly the plan failed, although the two perished two years later as the result of poor ratings. I'm sure the snake was roundly criticized at the post-mortem: "You jack-asp, you had ONE job and that was to kill Starsky." To which the snake replied, "If you wanted me to bite somebody, why did you leave me in a refrigerator with half a meatball pizza in it?" Just for the record, if a poisonous snake bites you, you should not try to suck the poison out of the wound, at least not until you know the wound better, and you should definitely not try to suck the poison out of the snake.

     And that's a few of the stories you had to wait two thousand and twenty-one years to hear, and I hope they were worth it. I'll be back next week with part two of the year in review. Happy New Year!

HOLIDAY ON WHEELS

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (12-30-21)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     Last week with December 25th fast approaching, we were looking for a little holiday spirit and thought we might find it on somebody's lawn. So we joined our town's caravan of lights to see what our neighbors were up to. We fell in behind a group of cars with their blinkers on, following one of the town's salt spreaders around the local streets to take a look at peoples' Christmas decorations. We took it on good faith that the salt spreader had the same general agenda we did, and wasn't simply out spreading salt. We took it on even more faith the the guy in front of us with his blinkers on was on the tour and didn't just panic that his "CHECK ENGINE" light was flashing.

     It reminded me of what funeral processions were probably like before the GPS was invented and everybody just assumed that the hearse knew where it was going. If it got lost down a narrow dead-end street, the hearse driver would have to yell to the car behind him, "We need to all make a K-turn- pass it down." But our caravan rolled on full steam ahead with no K-turns. My wife found a satellite station with all Christmas carols to set the mood, and I heard that angelic refrain, "Do you see what I see?" And I sang my usual response, "Not without my glasses...."

     We saw a car with Ohio plates trying trying to get out of the DeCicco's parking lot, and we let him in ahead of us. He stayed with the tour for about half an hour, I guess thinking that he had come all this way for groceries and he might as well have a look around and see what else is going on. We rolled by Arnie's house, which is a winter wonderland of lights, inflatables and decorations. There is so much going on in that front lawn that I can't believe there is a spare ampere for any of the neighbors to run their hair dryer. I would guess you can see it from the Space Station, but that wasn't on the tour.

     I have my preferences in Christmas decorations. I'm not partial to those lights that come in a net that you just throw over your bushes as if they were trying to get away. I need you to suffer a little bit for the right look. If you didn't fall off a ladder and break something stringing those lights around your tree, get up there and try again. I also like it when you hang icicle lights from all the eaves on your house. I like it when YOU do it, but I'm not doing it. I can just picture me on that ladder and my Dad yelling, "Hey Buddy, clean the gutters while you're up there!" And my whole Saturday is completely shot. 

     "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" pops onto the radio. "He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake..." I'm not exactly sure how he knows all this, but I'm a little freaked out and I'm changing all my internet passwords the minute I get home. 

     There were some weird Nativity Scenes, with Jesus, and Joseph and Mary looking on, and also some elves, the Grinch, Snoopy and a lot of players that were never brought up in "Away in a Manger." Some did not bring gifts or even a card. By the way, I've always noticed that there are a lot of pictures of Jesus as a baby, and pictures of him as a man, and he always looks good. And I'm not complaining or anything, but if it had been me, all anyone would ever see is me as a 12 year-old, making goofy faces and wearing an idiotic hat.

     "O Tannenbaum" came on the radio in German, but it always reminds me of this guy Tannenbaum who used to beat me at tennis all the time. He was not a charitable winner either, and that song makes me want to do things to his mailbox that are not in the spirit of giving. But we rolled on. There was a house with about a dozen inflatable objects on the lawn, and whoever blew them all up is probably in an oxygen tent at this moment hyperventilating. I notice that people are a lot more tolerant of reindeer on their lawn during the holidays than they usually are. The last thing I want on my property is an inflatable deer eating all my inflatable azaleas. 

     I could see a beautiful show of blue and red lights spinning in the distance, but it turned out to be two police cars making a traffic stop. If it was that guy from Ohio with his "CHECK ENGINE" light flashing, he should have stuck with us- our movement was almost imperceptible. I'd like to wish him a happy holday anyway. Happy holidays to all of you, too!

THE THOUGHTS THAT COUNT

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (12-16-21)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

 
     There are still a couple more days until my birthday, which happens to conveniently fall on Christmas Day, so you can get all your shopping in at once. I'm pretty easy to please, and if you can't think of anything I'll accept a personal check with two forms of identification.

     I've been nice this year, not as naughty as past years. I learned how to do the laundry, for instance. I separate the colored items from the whites and the darks and I add the correct amount of bleach and detergent. Like trigonometry, learning it is enough. To actually DO the laundry would be ostentatious, and also I'm not sure which one is the washer and which is the dryer.

     There are a couple items I saw on TV that might streamline your shopping experience, and if you call now you can get the second one FREE! Just pay a separate fee, but I said that part really quietly so you probably didn't hear it. I saw a commercial for the "Tac Pen," which is short for "tactical pen," and you can probably imagine several military tactics that your current pen isn't properly trained to handle. I have my own tactical pen in the bathroom that writes in invisible ink, no matter how hard I shake it, scribble it, threaten it or try to flush it down the toilet. The one on TV has a strobe light that you can use to temporarily incapacitate criminals, like Jimmy Stewart did in "Rear Window." I picture this function being used to temporarily incapacitate myself while I'm writing a postcard, and when I come to Grace Kelly is looking at me like I'm an idiot. The commercial shows someone running over the pen with their car to demonstrate how well-made it is, which looks like something my wife would do to demonstrate how un-well-made my bald car tires are.

     Then there's the "Original Singing Bird Clock," that you might want to buy for someone you hate. To commemorate every single hour of your existence, a different bird chirps its cheerful song as if to say, "I know you've been looking forward for 25 years to being an 'empty nester,' but instead let's sing a song. Do you know 'Dominique' by The Singing Nuns? There's 16 verses, some in French." For fun, try to guess which bird is chirping at 3:00AM: Is it the cackling crow? The inquisitive barn owl? Or is it the frisky bush tit? I don't know and I'm not going to stick around to find out- I've just set fire to the house.

     I've also seen an ad for a beauty product that air-brushes foundation make-up onto your face. This might sound dangerous, not because the chemicals could cause a skin condition, but because if you give a gift that implies that you'd like to see a different face spray-painted onto your significant other, she might do significant damage to your own face with a tactical pen. I would definitely leave out the part about doing some spackling and putting at least two coats of primer down. In the ad several women are depicted spraying this stuff right onto their face with their eyes wide open, and they are beaming as if they think they could do at least as good as Picasso ever did.

     The "Stunning™ Volume Style Brush" is the "faster, easier, and healthier way to bigger, fuller hair!" It infuses soothing botanicals as you brush, which add volume in case you can't hear your hair. It appears as though they've trademarked "stunning," so if you use that word to compliment me on my newly infused hair I may have to hit you with a cease-and-desist order.

     One of my favorite gifts, and I wouldn't mind if you got it for me again, was a chemistry set I got as a kid, with test tubes and vials of different substances. The first thing I did was mix them all together, and the second thing I did was read the directions, which explicitly warned against mixing all the chemicals together. I guess I was trying to invent something that would either blow up, result in a lot of smoke, smell extremely bad or preferably all three at once. And that's how I learned how to cook.

     But any gift I get from you I will cherish, no matter how cheap it makes you look. And if you do splurge on the chemistry set I will take your pH with a sheet of litmus paper and save you the trouble of doing it yourself. I'm starting to feel a little chemistry between us already.