PARADISE FOUND

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (05-22-25)

     When you step out of the airport into a Caribbean country, it looks like the scene when "The Wizard of Oz" turns from black and white to color, hopefully after an easier landing than Dorothy's. The tropical temperatures and lush green palm trees confirm that you're not in Kansas anymore. Aruba is far south in the sea, out of the hurricane belt, and the weather is usually warm and fair. A weather map there features a bunch of yellow suns smiling at each other; never do you see one that's glum. On the other hand, it's windy. What the brochures call a "gentle trade wind" is actually a nonstop 25 mile-an-hour gust that hits you from the moment of your arrival until you're waving goodbye through the airplane window. If you bought a new hat and had your hair done before the trip, you just wasted about $150 bucks. Whatever they traded for the gentle trade wind, I hope it was worth it.

     We visited an all-inclusive resort, where food and alcoholic beverages were paid for in advance. I'm not what you'd call a heavy drinker, but when you come across a wild margarita in its indigenous environment, it's hard to resist. They even put a little umbrella in the drink to keep it out of the sun. The food seemed fresh and well-prepared, and even a non-foodie like me was gastronomically satisfied for 6 nights, 7 days and 8 pounds.

     The climate is officially listed as "semi-arid," but it seemed like whatever wasn't arid was arid, too. You need to be careful at the beach. The wind gives you a deceptive sense of how hot it really is, which is similar to setting up a chair inside a convection oven. We're coming from a New York winter where our only tan was cultivated by the refrigerator light. So we tested out the rays sporadically, after two o'clock or so, to keep from melting into a glutinous mire before the first day was even over.

     You might see a two-foot iguana underneath a lounger at the pool, and you might think gee, is that thing dangerous? I'm not going to have to slay it with a swizzle stick, am I? I believe they're vegetarians, but I'm not sure their eyesight is that great, and asleep, with an uneven tan, I can resemble a huge yam. Just to be safe I make sure to do a couple things that a yam wouldn't be caught dead doing.

     While one of the most satisfying things to do in Aruba is "not a heck of a lot," there are some activities you can plan for your trip. I've been to many places in the world, but I've never been in a submerged submarine before. People who are 6' 2" are often frowned upon in a submarine,  and that's only one of places where I am often frowned upon. But the Atlantis undersea excursion offers a way to see the marine life in their natural habitat: an ocean reef with a submarine in it. After a safety demonstration where you are briefed on how to use an emergency device that resembles a shower cap with a gas mask attached to it, the floor was open for questions. "Just as a precaution," I asked, "should we hold our breath for the two hours, in case something goes wrong? Also, if we happen to get attacked by other submarines, does this thing have torpedoes?" The floor then closed for questions.

     We glided along 140 feet below the surface. I've never been certified for SCUBA diving, although I've been told that I am certifiable. So this was the perfect opportunity to explore the ocean depths in kind of a reverse-fish tank mode. This time the fish were looking in at ME thinking, WOW- that looks like an endangered species! I did see a barracuda, so I was glad to be safely inside. I've heard that they're attracted to your watch, and how is a fish going to know that it's a fake Rolex and not a real one? 

     We embarked on a snorkel tour the next morning, sailing on a catamaran to visit a shipwreck, a sea turtle territory and a coral reef. After a discussion regarding life vests the floor was open for questions. "One quick thing. That shipwreck we're visiting, was that a snorkel tour boat by any chance? Also, how far south do icebergs travel?" Once safely in the water, there is just no substitute for swimming around in someone else's habitat, a guest of nature's hospitality. A cool cocktail is your reward at the bar on the way back to the pier. I ordered the ubiquitous "rum punch," and I thought I heard the bartender mention something about "next of kin."

     The sun was about to set on our beautiful Caribbean holiday. Quite literally, because Aruba hotels are on the west side of the island. A beautiful opportunity for a keepsake photo, a cameo against the deep red sky. However, if you look at camera settings long enough after a couple rum punches, you begin to care less and less about what they do. There was a couple already posed nicely for a photo, so I just snapped one of them. In silhouette, who's going to know the difference.

WRITE OF PASSAGE

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (05-08-25)

     This month marks the 10th anniversary of my first column for the Somers Record. Traditionally you might give the gift of tin for a 10th anniversary, but good luck finding anything nice made of tin. It's used in brake pads, cement and fire retardants, all GREAT gift ideas, but instead I'll accept a personal check, with two forms of identification. 

     When I started this column I was thinking that after three months I would run out of coherent things to say. WOW, was I wrong! That only took two weeks. The rest of this time I've been recounting the things that go on in my head, loosely draped around a weak premise thinly disguised as a theme. I have not missed a week.

     But I love being a writer, because I can alter reality with just a few keystrokes. I will admit that my life is pretty routine; some would say boring. The trick is to make those everyday things seem fun. And for that, I use invention, exaggeration, irony, imagined dialogue and the distortion of facts. I use those devices so often that if it was possible to revoke an "artistic license," mine would have been yanked long ago, and I would be sitting in county lockup with a guy staring at me who has a tattoo of Genghis Khan on his tongue.

     I love the prospect of "turning a phrase." And believe me, once I am done with it the phrase has really turned, like that green object in the fruit drawer of my refrigerator that looks like it might be suffering from a very slow form of motion sickness. And when you come up with the perfect way of saying something, so that others can grasp your exact meaning, a connection is made with a complete stranger. If that ever happens I'll let you know.

     I can teach you how to write, right now, in just a few minutes. I don't want to brag, but I've forgotten more about writing than I'll ever know in a lifetime. First, there are some rules of the game- good writing should not be attempted without first mastering some basic standards of grammar. One: Do not dangle a participle in front of anyone who hasn't eaten in a while. Two: Sometimes the perfect tense, isn't. Three: If you end a sentence with a preposition, it should be a prison sentence, such as: "What are you in for?" Four: Do not be repetitive, redundant, reiterative or duplicative. Four (tied): Good punctuation is important; yet no one really knows when to use a semi-colon. Five: Anyone who uses hyperbole should be shot. 

     It's a good idea to write about what you know. After you read my column, you might think, he doesn't know what he's talking about. Well, I KNOW that, and that's how I can write about it.

     Editing is a big part of the process. Once you cut out the wordy passages, run-on sentences, excess verbiage and anything that does not service the basic substance of the topic, well, there's not a whole lot left, is there? I usually try out a couple different ways of saying the same thing, and I might even say them both out loud, unless there's a clinical psychiatrist specializing in schizophrenia present in the room.

     A quote attributed to George Eliot goes, “It is never too late to be what you might have been.” Isn't that great? Sometimes I'm what I might have been at 2:00 in the morning, so she was right about that. If you think of a great phrase, for god's sake write it down. I came up with "To be, or not to be." Yup, that was ME, and it was in response to a multiple choice quiz. It was more like, 2B, or not 2B, that was the question. But I did say it out loud. A powerful quote like that is a great opening line for a novel or essay. I'll help you make one up right now. First, choose a weighty subject, like "time," or "love," or "wisdom." Then, choose a qualifier, which can be any noun, even something insignificant like "plumbing fixtures," or "doorknob," or "AAA batteries." Last, choose a group of people whom others would be impressed that you've even heard of. Then you put them all together, and you have something like, "Power is the full-body deodorant of the underqualified." Let people make of that what they will, and I'm sure they'll do better than I did.

     You're going to have to share yourself with others. Your darkest, innermost secrets are going to be exposed, like walking around your house in your underwear with the curtains wide open, only this time, it's not on purpose. Some writers keep a journal, or a diary. It gets you into the habit of writing every day. "Dear Diary: Today I did a couple embarrassing things that I won't go into here... I just hope you don't hear them from somebody else."

     It's usually true that good writers read a lot. I stay up late at night with a good book, so late that I have to read every page two or three times. I pay attention to the different styles, different subjects and different artifices that make each writer easy to read, or compelling, or informative. I think to myself, how can I plagiarize that just short of anyone noticing?

     That should be enough to get you started in the rewarding hobby of writing. So, if you're reading this column for the first time, it's probably by mistake, and I'll be sorry to see you go. For those who have visited before, it's nice to have you back. Drop me a note to say hello if you enjoy our time together.