A FRIEND INDEED

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (08-21-25)

     Over a year ago we bought a vacation home in another state, and my wife thinks I should make some new friends there. Possibly so that she can enjoy an evening alone once in a while, maybe watch a movie without the bonus dialogue that I often supply just when there's a crucial but boring plot development. She's also afraid that because I binge-watch "Portlandia," I may eventually purge-watch it. But what actually constitutes friendship, and how do you go about forging a new one?

     I might have to learn to be a little more open and accepting. I can do this. I'll need to be less of a curmudgeon, not as cantankerous or irascible. Meaning that I'll have to stop complaining out loud as much, but I suppose I could write anonymous notes about, for instance, how child-proof caps are so hard to open that, how old do you need to actually be?

     It seems like the older you get, the harder it is to make new friends. But If you're willing to meet me halfway, I'll go a third of the way:

I need a friend that would be the yin to my yang. He should get to know me so well that he can finish my sentences for me, especially in prison.

A friend might go through a dangerous experience with me, where we come out the other side bonded for life, like buddies did during the Great War. What was so great about the Great War? The people! I've lived mainly in times of peace, but perhaps we could go through a car wash after we forgot to close the windows or something.

A friend is someone who does not mind my quirky habits, like humming rap songs, or putting salt on everything, even inedible objects.

I'm looking for someone who understands and accepts my past, when I was born into an underprivileged family in Chappaqua, struggling to survive on the street, using only my wits, with a father who beat me, at ping pong, and a mother who often threw my sneakers down into the basement if I left them lying around. 

A friend is someone who will learn the key scenes from "This is Spinal Tap," and be willing to perform them with no rehearsal in case there's a sudden remake.         

A friend is who is behind me all the way, waiting to see if I step in something gross.

A friend is someone who is there through thick and thin, making fun of me when I get fat, and then ratting me out when I go on Ozempic.

I need to be able to rely on my friend for his good judgment. That good judgment didn't help him when picking his friends though, did it? 

My friend could be a woman, too, as long as I don't subconsciously compare her to my mother. If she throws my sneakers into the basement, it won't be so subconscious anymore.

I need​ a friend with benefits, especially dental, in case we have to smile for the same photo. I need someone who, if they talk too fast or too low, always says something that nodding my head with a conspiratorial smile is the correct response to.

My friend should have less ailments than me. There's nothing worse than going to all the trouble of having an infirmity in every part of my body to complain about if yours are going to be more serious.

     Should we hug when we see each other? Or just fist bump? Maybe a secret handshake that neither of us even know? My uncle used to kiss me on the lips, and somehow it was not at all weird, but you? Just watch your hands.

     I picture us like the cast of "Friends," really good-looking (you, hopefully not as good-looking as me), with cool apartments in the city (rent stabilized) and other friends, played by Brad Pitt, Tom Selleck and Paul Rudd. Since I have three nipples, I'll be the Chandler Bing guy. You can be the Joey Tribbiani guy and a Ross Geller, as long as you understand that I'll eventually hook up with your former girlfriend.

     If things go sour and we do have a falling out, I just want to make sure that we share joint custody of our other friends. 

     Maybe the friendliest people are not people at all. The phone rang the other day, and you'll never guess who it was: "Ha, ha, ha!" They quipped, "You're harder to get hold of than a greased pig at a rodeo on Mars!" We shot the breeze for a few minutes while I was waiting to figure out who it was myself. Then I asked, "Are you an AI phone bot?" And he thought about it for a little while before answering, "NO!" So we're going out for lunch as soon as I sign up for a car warranty program.

     So, if you see me around, don't be a stranger.

FASHION STATEMENTS

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (08-07-25)

     Last month was Fashion Day, and I celebrated by wearing clothes. I've never been much of a clothes horse. A horse looks great in just about anything. I'd be more of a clothes shar Pei, because I'm tall but not fat, and people who design clothes assume that large means large all over. So clothes hang on me like a wrinkly dog. I sometimes feel I should just wear the shirt with the hanger still attached. 

     And yet nothing is more fluid and ethereal than fashion. What exactly are this year's styles? There used to be a television show where you could watch slinky models sashay down the runway, walking a slalom as if they had to avoid traffic cones on either side of their hips, with a look on their faces that said, "Oh, you again," but what they really meant was, "I don't suppose you have an extra Kit Kat bar, do you?" And then, as you were taking in the designs, which might have been what looked like an over-the-shoulder bath mat, or like a mass of feathers with two human legs sticking out the bottom as if a covey of ring-necked pheasants landed on someone who didn't notice it, just as you were getting used to all these good-looking women parading around in a promenade, an old woman flashed onto the screen to explain why all of this was "important," and her name was Elsa Klensch, and darned if that wasn't my exact involuntary reaction.

     I think if you have a "look" that's worked well for you over the years, you should stick with it, regardless of the current trend. I've always worn cowboy boots, even though I would never wear any other type of wrangling gear, such as a ten-gallon hat or one of those bolo ties that looks like it could get caught in my coffee maker. By the way, if you're looking for a cowboy hat in Europe, it would be 37.85 liters.

     Everyone has had a fashion moment they are not proud of, and you can only hope that nobody took pictures of it. These days, people selfie just about every waking moment of their lives, so be expecting more and more moments of future reckoning. Years from now that selfie at the zoo might be hard on your kids' eyes. "Mom, Crocs with socks?" "Hey, what about the zebra? Vertical stripes? Come on." If you wore a "fascinator" to the Queen's ball, you ran the risk of being less fascinating then it by comparison. If you were invited to the Met Gala and showed up in a baseball hat and team jersey, you may have misunderstood the premise completely.

     Sometimes you're complicit in a fad without even knowing it. "You're not going out like that, are you?" My wife says. "You mean, personality-wise?" "Those pants are ripped." "Are you sure you weren't looking at my muscles? I can't see the rip, it's in my blind spot." And yet, there was a time when teens would pay extra to purchase jeans ripped in strategic places, places where jeans would never have ripped if it was their own idea.

     Halloween is the perfect time to see what works on you. Maybe you want to see how you might look in a pirate hat, or lederhosen, or with a tail, or as a gladiator. All looks that are on the way back in, if you're willing to wait long enough.

     We haven't even touched on accessories. To me an accessory means someone who can drive a getaway car after the fact. On the other hand, I could really use a purse, because I have three or four different pairs of glasses, depending on how important it is that I read something correctly. Plus, I'd prefer to conceal the fact that I have concealer. Barbie came with all sorts of accessories, why can't I? I'd look just as good in a pink Corvette as she does, maybe better.

     There used to be dress codes, at least before the advent of covid-19. "Business casual" meant something. And now, "business casual" is essentially the same as "nudist colony formal." Today, if you see someone in a suit and tie coming toward you, just drop everything and run. They're either holding an insurance policy application or a subpoena.

     Even uniforms are starting to become extinct. And maybe that's okay. I can understand a soldier wearing a uniform, so that he knows not to shoot at a guy in the same outfit, especially from the same outfit. But does a bellboy need a full get-up with brass buttons and epaulets, even if nobody is shooting at him? Question: which one of these is of higher rank: bell captain or major disappointment? Some uniforms are downright impractical. A chef's costume, with that wacky hat that ironically resembles a badly cooked souffle, is something that could inadvertently catch on fire and then set off the sprinkler system, in rapid succession. Why do superheroes have capes, when they could easily get caught in the car door and ruin your entrance by cutting off the blood supply to your neck?

     I have to go now, the fall collection is out, just in time for spring.