SAYING A MOUTHFUL

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (03-27-25)

     During this month falls National Snack Day, when we honor those snacks that gave their lives for their country, the 13th most obese in the world. What is our National Snack, anyway? That's a good question. And I use the phrase "good question" here to mean, "dumb question."

     In picking the National ANYTHING, you have to really weigh the options. Whatever you choose has to represent your country in the most honorific way. Take the recent contentious vote to crown a Canadian National Bird, for example. Most were rooting against the Canada Goose, an annoying aircraft that honks its way over to your park and distributes messy evidence of its arrival into every usable corner of the place. Making THAT your national representative would be like voting the "personal injury lawyer" your National Occupation. The snowy owl got a lot of attention, but they had all melted by the time the vote was taken. The common loon was a traditional favorite, but is more a symbol of the mentally ill than a modern nation. So they settled on the gray jay, an ordinary, benign and dull-looking bird. In Canada, however, the color is spelled "grey," so this poor bird spends much of its time at appearances explaining why its own name is spelled wrong.

     So we should choose our National Snack carefully. Wise potato chips would literally be a wise choice. Americans probably nosh on French fries more than anything else, an irony which would not go unnoticed if we chose them as our National Snack. The Kit Kat Bar is not only a great candidate for National Snack, but also for National Adult Recreation Area.

     Let's play a game called, "You Think THAT'S a Snack?" To me, a snack is something you derive pleasure from eating, mostly because it's so bad for you. Did you ever have a boyfriend that treated you horribly, yet you couldn't break up with him because he had a car and a somewhat valid driver's license, and made you laugh and your Mom said he was no good for you? Well, please apologize to your Mom for me. Anyway, a decent snack should have an unhealthy amount of calories, salt, anything bad for you, lead, asbestos, I don't know. To say that you're going to have dried fruit as a snack is like saying, "You know what? Let's do something CRAZY and FUN today! We're going to clean out the garage!"

     I'm HUNGRY! And my Mom would say, "Why don't you have a piece of celery?" Celery? To me, celery is a substance that has only one function, and that is to display the effect of capillary action, as a science experiment. I bring a beaker with a red liquid in it to physics class, and perform a demonstration using a stalk of celery. "Watch," I say, "as the liquid moves up the tiny openings, propelled by the property which I am demonstrating." And the teacher, instead of complimenting me on my presentation, asks, "Mr. Melén, is that a bloody Mary?" No of course not, it's a chemical reagent, which I drank anyway just so I could pack the beaker away, actually a cocktail glass.

     A rice cake is a thinly veiled attempt to shoehorn one of the dullest foods on the planet into the snack category. Until such time as they put icing on a rice cake, please leave me out of that conversation.
     I'm so happy now that chocolate and peanut butter have found each other, and I want them always to be together, like traffic and weather. Two seemingly oddly-matched partners that have forged an unbreakable bond. I want them to never be apart, and I've even hired an intimacy coordinator to make sure that all their scenes together are mutually nurturing.

     I don't want them to get into a toxic situation where they can't even coexist in the same room without airing their petty jealousies. "So, what's this I heard about 'chocolate and coconut?'" "Oh, that was nothing serious." "Well what about almonds?" "HEY! Have you seen the new Timothée Chalamet movie?"

     Anything with "nougat" in it is also a win with me, since it seems like candy, but no one really knows what nougat is or what it's made of. I've looked in the table of elements and seen it there only periodically. All I know is that I intend to go over to Greenland with a butter knife, easily conquer it, and commandeer its sources of nougat in the name of, well, me.

     Whatever you choose to snack on, just make sure it's not a bunch of empty calories. Fill them up with chocolate, marshmallows, nuts, those crispy crunchy things and other nutrients. You'll pay for it down the road, but if you walk there you can burn a few of them off. Maybe it won't cost as much as you think. That's why I hooked my toll house cookies up with an E-Z Pass tag.

SURVIVAL OF THE HALF-WITTEST

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (03-13-25)

     Ever since the devastating wildfires that held California hostage for weeks, there has been much chatter about what you should take with you in the event that you have to quickly leave your home, not knowing if you'll return. In a doomsday scenario, I've always been trained to do one thing before all else: panic. 

     After a reasonable amount of time running around like a chicken with its head cut off, you need to quickly gather the things that are most important to salvage. You should have your important papers located in one place, hopefully in a fireproof lockbox. Birth certificates, passports, insurance papers, deeds, and the combination to the lockbox.

     Consider taking sentimental things that you can't replace. Many older photographs aren't in digital form, so take an inventory of the pictures where you look better than everyone else. Keep your expensive jewelry together, hidden in a place where you'll never find it in a million years. It might not be the expensive items that you take; I have an ugly tennis trophy that I hold onto to remind myself that I was once the only person who signed up for a tennis tournament, and when I grab it on my way out the door, my wife will say, "Well, at least that thing is finally out of the house."

     Be practical. Remember the "one year" rule: If you haven't used that 20-piece bar set in over a year, maybe it's about time you dusted it off.

     Keep your wits about you. If you see a sign that says "Break in Case of Emergency," it's very good advice. Emergencies can be stressful, so take a 20-minute breather.

     CHANGE YOUR SMOKE ALARM BATTERIES! I can't stress this enough, especially now that some states are doing away with Daylight Savings Time, which was when you used to be reminded to replace them. Instead, pick something else you do twice a year, like intending to clean your garage.

     A good flashlight is essential. One that has 6 or 7 different modes, so that if you keep pressing the button, you can come up with a beam that's not too bright, but not too dim, and flashes to the beat of "Stayin' Alive."

     It couldn't do any harm to stick a Swiss army knife into the kit. There's a lot of useful stuff on it, like a toothpick and tweezers, and some stuff that maybe is superfluous, knives and saws, and the like. If you see two people in a dire situation, who are you going to rescue first, the one with spinach in their teeth and eyebrows that look like the Amazon jungle?

     There are commercially made emergency backpacks that contain all sorts of useful items that you may not have thought about. A whistle, for instance, that you can blow if you're in a life-threatening situation. Someone a mile away might hear it and say, "Jesus, that's annoying." A foldable shovel, in case you have to clear your car out of a snow squall, or perhaps dig a latrine. A latrine should be at least two feet deep, and at least 100 feet away from the nearest working toilet, or else the people whom you made use it will take the shovel and hit you over the head with it.

     Some survival kits have fish hooks. Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and after he wastes a whole day not catching anything, he'll be angry that he didn't take the fish instead. Another thing to consider is a crank-operated portable radio. Could you really call it "surviving" without the Yankees?

     A first aid kit is important to have with you at all times. I don't know why there is not a second or third aid kit available for people like me, who are NOT punctual at all but still want to be able to weigh in with some helpful hints regarding life-saving techniques. For example, in the event of a snake bite, I arrive at the scene about 20 minutes after the paramedics, and I feel I can still help but I need some questions answered quickly: "Okay. Where is the snake that's allegedly been bitten?"

     Hopefully the crisis will abate, and you'll be able to return to your home unscathed. But in the process, you will have made some valuable discoveries about the things that are really important to you. It's better to make those difficult decisions before they are actually necessary, than to regret them after the fact. Was it more important to take your Grandmother's ring, even though it's not worth much, or the box of Wheaties with Michael Jordan's picture on it, SIGNED by Michael Jordan (yes, I really do have that)?! Your Grandmother is not going to like my answer, but in my defense, if we run out of food, how is that ring going to taste?

TWO EGGS BEAT AS ONE

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (02-27-25)

     Valentine's Day has just passed, and I wanted to make sure you did something romantic for that special someone. If you didn't, you can just do what I do and say that you ordered 8 things from Amazon, each with 2-day shipping, and they'll be here in 16 days. YOU know the person I'm talking about. That wonderful one who watches a murder mystery with you, and puts up with you inserting a joke where an important plot revelation usually goes. Even though the joke was pretty good. And by "puts up with," I mean doesn't then commit a murder that is much less difficult to solve.

     Yes, that understanding admirer who doesn't mind that whatever simple task is undertaken in your presence, like loading the dishwasher, it will be redone. Perhaps better, so that the knives are loaded from the back first, thereby resulting in less subsequent injury. I'm assuming that the knives are loaded that way due to inefficiency, and not by some other means, motive or opportunity.

     That supportive spouse who puts up with most of your nit-picking, although in your defense it's not as though you pick every single nit. You have to have some standards. That significant other who, while agreeing to be significant, still prefers to go by "other" rather than using their real name.

     THAT person. You know them best, and because of all they do, you love them. And in spite of all YOU do, they love you. How should you show them how you really feel, without having to say something really beautiful that you hope she doesn't recognize from "Casablanca?"

     I guess you could say it with flowers. A nice bouquet says, "you are just as lovely as these, and you smell just as pretty." Don't take the analogy any farther, which would say, "And I will throw you into the garbage sometime next week."

     You could say it over dinner. A scrumptious steak says, well, if it says anything, it's probably a little too rare. You can send it back with a gentle nudge that you ordered it medium-rare. I hardly ever order a steak rare, making it that much rarer. She orders a steak Diane with julienne fries, which is a surprising coincidence reminding you of both your ex-wives.

     You could say it with jewelry. A three-carat diamond ring says so much. Maybe it says TOO much, WAY too much. You could certainly say a bit less, and have something left over to say during retirement.

     Or you can say it with breakfast. They say that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. And that might also be true for women, but it depends on which end you approach from. In my experience, the way to a woman's heart is through Sunday breakfast. In our house, it's a thing, and I take my responsibility seriously. On any given Sunday, before football, I can be seen in the laboratory, dreaming up new delights for the skillet or the oven.

     I can make a wide variety of wonderful confections designed to tickle her tastebuds and by extension, her fancy. I can make pancakes, johnny cakes, flapjacks, griddle cakes and hotcakes with equal aplomb. Swedish pancakes are my favorites, with their very thin consistency, like crepes. Be sure to heat up the griddle for a long time first, medium-high. The recipe is from my Grandmother, whose name was Blanche, so you know this was an authentic grandmother. 

     I invented the "reverse omelette," where I take equal parts shredded cheddar and Monterey Jack, and fry it in an eight-inch pan in some margarine until it melts (the margarine, not the pan), then add the beaten eggs. some chopped scallions will help, and cover the pan until the eggs are firm. Serve upside down, with the browned cheese on top.

     In another example of breakfast genius, I toast and butter an English muffin, pan-fry some prosciutto, cook an over-easy egg, so gooey that she makes a mess eating it and it puts you temporarily on an equal footing cleanliness-wise, and top it off with shredded Jarlsberg cheese in a tasty sandwich. After three bites of this you could convince her to mow the lawn if you had to.

     I make my own biscuits. One of the main ingredients I like to add is guilt. During the baking process, in between the buttermilk and the butter, a simple line to remind the biscuit recipient that you're doing this only for them, and that you don't really like biscuits serves to heighten your stature as a hero. Be sure you do your homework, and you're sure she won't say, "Really? I actually don't like biscuits either," and then you'll have to say, "Oh, then I'll eat them, but only to keep them away from YOU because I love you THAT MUCH." That's how biscuits become weaponized.

     I'm pretty sure this will work for you, and your significant other will never leave you for another other. But if you do overcook the omelette, go ahead and throw in a cheap line from "Casablanca," maybe she's never seen it. Here's looking at you, kids!

GETTING SMART

 

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (02-06-25)

     How is your New Year's Resolution coming along? Mine neither. Mine was to try and get smarter. It's not that I'm dumb, relatively speaking, it's just that I do dumb things at an extraordinary rate.

     Growing up in America, parents and teachers used to tell you that you could be anything you wanted to be. This was to encourage you to share your dreams so that they could talk you out of them at an early age. That's when they began a propaganda campaign bent on decrying the dangers of being an out-of-work rock-and-roll musician with many girlfriends who, while fun to hang around with, especially after several cocktails, had expensive tastes in cars and plastic surgery procedures, while extolling the exciting life that certified public accountants lead. 

     Well, I don't want to burst your bubble, but you CAN'T be anything you want to be when you grow up. I wanted to be a microbiologist, but I'm way too tall. One occupation I might have qualified for is a teacher, but what grade would I teach? It would have to be one with students whom I am smarter than, which would require testing them to find out if they are qualified. I could teach second grade math, or I could teach foreign high school students English as a third language, provided they had no interest in figuring out what a pluperfect tense is. 

     Anyway, as you grow older, you need to protect the synapses that are still residing with you from the seduction of early retirement. So I've embarked upon a multifaceted program to increase my general knowledge, about more subjects. Partly to improve myself, but mainly, it's so I can call up answers quickly from my "mental database" when my wife and I watch "Jeopardy" together. Right now, my "mental database" is sorted into "1970s game shows," "commercial jingles that are annoying to most," and "foods that I don't like and you shouldn't either." Under-represented are: "world captitols," "current events," "important leaders," "science," "physics," and "spelling, specifically whether capitols are spelled with an 'o' or an 'a.'"

     As it is, when we watch "Jeopardy" my focus is not on the questions so much as obscuring the correct answer just at the very time of its revelation, using subterfuge, diversion or feigning a medical emergency after I've shouted out my response. That way, my answer could still be correct- we'll never know, will we?

     So I subscribed to a service that provides "brain games" on my computer, which are designed to increase your cognitive awareness, memory, problem solving and attention span. What the hell was I talking about again? Oh yeah. The idea is that if you play these games often enough, you'll start to appear less stupid over time. At least over the time from 7:00 to 7:30PM, when Jeopardy is on.

     I don't know if it will work, but it does allow you to see empirically where your strengths lie, and if they have any intention of ever getting up. One of the games casts you as a waiter, and you need to remember the names of your customers to get tips. I rose to the top level of this game, able to remember all the names of all the customers, even though they only came once. They never returned, since I could not remember what they ordered. 

     In another game, I play the role of a train dispatcher, changing the switches of the tracks to direct the correct train toward its matching depot. The idea is that you must think quickly in a setting of divided attention, and execute decisions with one part of your brain while planning the next action with a different part of your brain.

     Scientists used to say that you only used a small portion of your brain power, saving the rest for, I don't know, what? A salad? If I was using say, only ten percent of my brain, the other 70 percent should be well-rested, and able to find my car keys. Is the 10 percent that was on duty the part of my brain that lost them in the first place?

     I guess I've survived this long with having relatively nothing intelligent to say, and it hasn't slowed me down that much. I'm the kind of person that, when all is said and done, for some reason I'm still talking. My advice is rarely sought, because it will come and find you anyway on its own, even if you're sleeping. I'll leave you with another math problem that has to do with fractions, and you can use it to figure out how my New Year's resolution is coming along: If you drank a fifth of Scotch, what did you do with the other four fifths? Write me and I'll come help you look for it.

THE YEAR IN REVIEW- 2024 PART II

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (01-30-25)

    I know it seems like 2024 had nothing much going for it, and you'd just like to get rid of it without paying a termination fee, but here are the GOOD points of 2024, listed in chronological order: 1.) Water soluble. And now, here are the important stories of the year, presented in an easy-to-ignore form:

SAN FRANCISCO SELF-DRIVING CARS WON’T STOP HONKING AT EACH OTHER
Self-driving taxis belonging to Waymo, the Google pilot project, have been beeping their horns incessantly as they approach each other in their SoMa neighborhood parking lot, causing much indignation and sleeplessness as they sound off during the wee hours of the morning, when conventional cars are in their garages dreaming about less exhausting exhaust systems. Rude behavior such as this is much harder to tolerate in automated vehicles, which seemingly should know better. How long will it be before AI-generated robots start fighting each other at Waffle House?

HUMAN FOOT FOUND ON MOUNT EVEREST MAY BELONG TO MISSING MOUNTAINEER
A crew filming a documentary on Mount Everest came across a human foot inside a boot with a sock labeled, "A.C. Irvine," a mountain climber who went missing in 1924. If he did reach the top, he would be the first known person to do so. He would also have had to hop there on one foot. The discovery possibly changes the accepted history of the honor attributed to Edmund Hillary, oh, and countless members of the Sherpa people who for some reason are never counted. Mount Everest is the Earth's tallest mountain at 29,035 feet, now 29,036. I remember plenty of cold days that I just about froze my tootsies off, not really believing it was a thing. Had I known it was, I would have kept my tootsies much warmer. Other times, when my foot falls asleep during the day, I wonder what it might have been doing all night? Okay, I'm done now.

DOG SEEN ROAMING THE TOP OF EGYPT’S GREAT PYRAMID
A group of paragliders noticed an animal chasing birds at the top of 448 foot-tall Khafre, the second tallest Egyptian pyramid. One thought it was a mountain lion, even though mountain lions are not indigenous to Egypt. Humans are forbidden on top of the Great Pyramids, so it couldn't have been a person chasing birds, and it turned out to be a dog. When interviewed, the dog said, "In my defense, there are bones buried in that thing. Also, I can see down all sides in case a mountain lion ever does try to come up here." The same paraglider later spotted ME at the top of the food pyramid, where there are reported to be Reese's Take 5 bars.

SCIENTIST BELIEVES NASA LANDER MAY HAVE KILLED LIFE ON MARS
A German astrobiologist has proposed that the Viking spacecraft that landed on Mars in 1976 may have indeed found evidence of life there, had it not drowned it first. His theory is that, much like in the desert, salts can leach out water from the atmosphere, creating a possible environment for microbial organisms. The experiments that the lander performed which introduced water may have accidentally destroyed the very life forms it had sought to discover. It's only a theory, of course, but it's exactly why when someone says, "Hey, what the hell is that thing up in the sky? It looks like it's about to add water to us," I do everything in my power to avoid looking too much like a microbe. By the way, if NASA traveled all that way to find micro-organisms, they could have simply sent a probe over to my sneakers and saved my tax money for something more useful, like creating a moon rover that can carry a surfboard.

ORCAS ARE WEARING SALMON HATS AGAIN
According to the UK-based ORCA ocean conservation group, a trend that was first noticed in killer whales but soon fell out of fashion is back in style: wearing a dead salmon as a hat. A female orca was spotted wearing the faddish fish in 1987, and soon others in the pod had taken up the look. The rage was over as quickly as it had begun, until last year, when dead fish were again observed on the heads of killer whales. Scientists have been puzzled by the behavior, postulating that the whales may simply be saving the food for later. When it was noted that the salmon were often abandoned, they came to the conclusion that they might be doing it because it looks so damn good. When you've been wearing a mono-chromatic color scheme your entire life, salmon seems like a great choice. You'd have to believe that at the very least the hat would be waterproof.

OLDEST KNOWN STONE INSCRIBED WITH TEN COMMANDMENTS SOLD AT AUCTION
A stone tablet etched with the Ten Commandments dating from 300 to 800 A.D. was sold at Sotheby's in 2024. The anonymous buyer plans to donate the artifact to an Israeli museum, or perhaps he will simply keep it in his wallet as a constant reminder. After I heard that it was sold for over five million dollars, I've been writing commandments down nonstop, to update the list a little bit. "Thou shalt never hit 'reply all' before ascertainingeth that thy boss is not one of all." "Thou shall not comment on thy wife's short haircut before dinner hath been served." That type of thing. And now, whenever I hear someone at a meeting say, "Hey, it's not written in stone," I immediately write it in stone, in case it turns out to be something worth money in the coming centuries.

SCIENTISTS SAY “DARK ENERGY” MAY NOT BE WHAT IT SEEMS
Apparently, "dark energy" is a term astronomists have used to describe the low-density matter that is expanding our universe at a more recently accelerated rate. In words, if I may paraphrase, they don't really know what the hell it is. They just know that it isn't what they thought it was, which they didn't know either. What is apparent is that dark energy has much less mass than regular matter, which means it matters much more. I hope that clears things up. I had previously thought that dark energy was caused by the United States Congress, a theory which has not been disproven to my satisfaction. It WAS disproven, but I wasn't any more satisfied afterwards.

And that's last year in a nutshell, where it should have stayed. If for any reason you are dissatisfied with 2024, simply return the unused portion for a full refund. Void where prohibited.

THE YEAR IN REVIEW- 2024 PART I

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (01-16-25)

    On its surface, 2024 just seems like another year that maybe we'd all like to forget. But if you dig just below the surface, you'll find that it was so much less than that. The following is proof that, should you chance upon a surface, do not dig just below it. All these stories are as true as anything else you might find on the internet, and I've gone to great lengths (6-foot, 2 inches to be exact) to ensure their veracity.

TRACTOR-TRAILER HAULING 15 MILLION BEES CRASHES
An 18-wheeler transporting a large quantity of honeybees to pollinate a blueberry field overturned in an accident in Clinton, Maine. “The bees were mostly contained, and the goal was to save them,” a state trooper said (possibly during a sting operation). Unfortunately for the state trooper, no one bothered to ask the bees if they WANTED to be saved.

PREGNANT STINGRAY MAY HAVE BEEN IMPREGNATED BY SHARK
A science mystery at a North Carolina aquarium resulted in a stingray becoming pregnant, possibly in a rare case of mixed breeding. OR, it is exactly the type of lame excuse that explains why divorce rates are so high among stingrays. "Honey, you are NEVER going to guess what happened today! A shark overpowered me, took me to dinner, forced me to dance the night away and impregnated me, without me knowing it of course, and then bit me, deliciously hard!" "Are you trying to tell me that our new child is part VACUUM CLEANER?"

$568 MILLION OF COCAINE FOUND HIDDEN IN BANANAS
I first have to first confess that I hate bananas. I hate their smell, I hate their shape, I hate their mealy little consistency, I hate their taste and I hate the fact that if you leave them on your desk for 20 MINUTES, they turn black, the rotten little mongrels. "But they are a great source of potassium!" You cheerfully aver. Well, so are atom bombs, but you don't see me going around eating atom bombs, do you? I don't actually know if atom bombs contain potassium or not, but if they don't, then I have exploded another myth. Anyway, that's why when I read that a record-breaking haul of cocaine was hidden in boxes of bananas headed from South America to Hamburg, Germany, I wondered to myself, who was the only one who would listen, what kind of EVIL, INSIDIOUS, MORALLY REPREHENSIBLE drug cartel would flood the market with that many bananas?
 
SPACEX SUCCESSFULLY LAUNCHES STARSHIP THEN LOSES IT
This year the Elon Musk-owned company SpaceX (I wonder if SpaceX was formerly known as SpaceTwitter?) launched the world's tallest and most powerful rocket. The starship, imaginatively named "Starship," lost communication with the company during its re-entry, although it might be that it simply had nothing to say. Elon Musk, who wants to use this technology to build a colony on Mars, could not be reached for comment, possibly because he lost communication during his re-entry to Earth. But it's the type of thing that happens to me all the time. "Honey, you're never going to believe it but I've lost a megarocket. Could you do me a favor and help me look for it?" "Where did you last leave it?" "Well, if I knew that, I would know where it WAS, wouldn't I?" "Listen, I'm only trying to help. Did you look in the stratosphere?" "Of COURSE I looked in the stratosphere, that's the first place I looked." "Did you look in the Twittershphere, ha, ha, ha." "Very funny. WAIT-LOOK! Here it is!" "You found your megarocket?" "No that's still missing, but look, I found my car keys! I've been looking for them too!"

A HUMANOID ROBOT INAPPROPRIATELY TOUCHES A REPORTER
At its unveiling during a tech convention, a Saudi Arabian-made robot named "Mohammed" was interviewed by a female reporter, lifted her blazer and briefly touched her rear. This set off a social media comment-storm, with some accusing the humanoid of being a pervert and a creep. It's possible that the back-end development of the programming was not sophisticated enough, although it's also possible that it was TOO sophisticated. The robot countered by admitting it had been cooped up in a warehouse with only female robots, and you know how they can be, then made some robotic gestures with his hands and laughed it off as locker-room behavior. Currently the robot is running for Matt Gaetz's seat in congress.

MAMA BEAR, CUB RAID KRISPY KREME DELIVERY VAN IN ALASKA
A female black bear and her cub broke into a delivery van in Anchorage, Alaska and snarfed down 26 boxes of the sugary confections. Only the bravery of the truck driver and the fact that they ran out of coffee prevented the losses from being much worse. In an interview, the bear maintained, "We heard there were bear claws, so we came to get them back." Experts advise that if you do see a bear, do not scream or make sudden actions, make plenty of noise (yell, bang pans, etc.), make yourself appear as large as possible and travel in groups. This is the same advice experts give for people planning to ransack donut shipments.

SNAKE SLITHERING ON NYC SIDEWALK CAPTURED IN BUCKET
A five foot-long boa constrictor was captured in a bucket by a businesswoman on 47th Street near the Rockefeller Center subway station. It's unclear whether the woman who caught the snake in the bucket worked in the fast food industry, but boa constrictor is said to taste like chicken. The snake sarcastically offered to give the woman who rescued it "a big hug," which she reportedly declined. It's also unclear where the snake came from, but if it came from less than five feet away, it may not have been going anywhere at all.

Well, that's a lot to digest. If you DO manage to get it all down, I would wait at least 30 minutes before engaging in any strenuous activity or boarding a Ferris wheel. I'll be back next time for Part II of the Year in Review, so you might want to make alternate plans now.

HOW DO YOU RATE

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (12-19-24)

     There are only a few more days until Christmas, and I'm still behind in my shopping. I started it five months ago, but I've been paralyzed by R.O.D., or "ratings obfuscation debilitation." That is a well-known condition which I just made up that causes your brain to shut down after reading between 1200 and 32,000 ratings for a given product on Amazon that you might buy as a gift.

     I easily find what I want, and wrestle the item into the shopping cart. But it's still there, because I can't decide on a shipping option. Do I want FREE two-day delivery, or do I want one of the other options which is even MORE free? Or do I want to have it sent on Amazon Day, which is a different Amazon Day from the one where everything is 25% off, but I will get a little credit, something I usually don't get in real life. OR, do I want it delivered on a day that has a lower carbon footprint than my usual size 11 carbon footprint? I  check the box that says "Just Send Me the Damn Thing," and go to the "Extended Warranty" section.

     Do I want to protect my purchase? If my purchase is say, a knife, it should be able to protect ITSELF. So I check the box that says, "No Thanks, I'll Irresponsibly Take The Chance That This Thing Will Survive The Least Expensive Shipping Option." Right before I press the "Complete my Purchase" button, I see a tab that says, "Other Things People Have Bought That Were Better Than The Thing You're Going To Buy." So I check them out before I check out.

     And there they've compiled a list of items tailored specifically for me based on my behavior, which is often not exemplary, I will admit. It seems like Amazon is somehow watching everything I do. It sees me when I'm sleeping, it knows when I'm awake. It knows if I’ve been bad or good, just give me a fricking break.

     So I look at the items, and I must say, they would complete me. But are they everything they're cracked up to be? I'd better check the ratings, that's where people do their best cracking up. Let's see, here is a frying pan with 12,000 ratings. They've listed them based on their relevance, according to what I've found relevant in the past and my likelihood to like them in the future. I sort them by how many things the rater has rated that other people have found useful. Then I discard any reviews less than two year old, so I can see if this baby's gonna last. I then weed out all the ratings that are more than 700 words, and those less than three. I only choose the raters that have a good rating. I'm down to 4,000 ratings, so I take the ones that are not in English, and translate them to a different language that I don't know. Now I'm ready to make an informed purchase.

     Do I want to sign up for rewards? YES! I expect to get a reward for turning you in to the authorities, depending on what you've done, or for finding your cat, depending on what he's done.  However, I'll need to fill out a 6-page application form for a credit card that I will only use this once.

     Okay, I think I'm ready to click "Order" now. But wait, is that a video at the bottom? I'd better check it first. After the opening credits roll (I've always wanted to be the "best boy" on a production crew, but there was a better boy than me), I'm asked to like the film if I don't specifically dislike it. But it turns out that the movie is only about unboxing the item. It does have a plot twist at the end, so I won't give it away, but I guess I was expecting a little more thinking outside the box. I should have known, because the video was only rated "somewhat helpful."

     Maybe I should just get something on Facebook Marketplace Instead. Surely I can trust you, my lifelong friend? But even though we're already friends you keep friending me, and I keep accepting you, and then you keep posting to say that it's not really YOU sending these friend requests, but someone POSING as you. But is it YOU posting that warning, or is it the posting imposter? The good news is that I've seen you posing for a million photos on Facebook, so I should be able to tell if it's really you posing as you.

     I type into the Marketplace search box that I want to find a Milwaukee Sawzall for my wife, no farther than 10 miles away from me. Why do I think my wife would like a Milwaukee Sawzall? Why don't you let me worry about that. And presto, through the magic of modern technology, I'm bombarded with pages and pages of items that my wife would enjoy even less than a Sawzall, available only in Milwaukee. 

    Well I must say, ordering online has been a time saver! If you found this article helpful, please hit the "like" button below. But I assure you, I'm much more likeable in person. Have a great holiday, and many happy returns!