We went to a Thanksgiving party which was cleverly disguised as a 50th birthday party, but at which you can still give plenty of thanks that you are still vertical.
It came out that back in the day, one of our friends was a Miss Teenage New York. It’s no wonder since she is so beautiful, but apparently she hated every minute of it, and only did it to fulfill some unmet fantasy of her mother. Which gave me a great idea for a reality show, where they stage a beauty pageant for young girls, but the actual competition is really for the mothers backstage, without them knowing about it. The audience votes and prizes are awarded for things like, “Biggest Pain in the Ass.” “Stagemom Who Looks Most Like Olympia Dukakis.” “Stagemom Who Looks Most Like Michael Dukakis.” “Stagemom Who Seems Most Bipolar.” “Stagemom Who Cries Most For No Reason.” Stagemom Who Smiles Most at Inappropriate Times.” “Stagemom Who Brags Most About Never Spanking Her Kid, But Yet Her Kid is By Far the Brattiest.”
I could go on and on. I even have a title for this: “The Biggest Loser.” What do you think??
By the way, they are starting these pageants way too early. They even have a pageant for babies. The backstage area is rife with hectic banter, the babies frantically involved with hair and makeup. And when I say hair, I mean just the one:
“What should I do with my one hair? Should I go with the ribbon, the headband, or that little ‘flapper’ hat? Should I put it in a bun? And if so, a hot dog bun or a hamburger bun?”
“I should have gotten botox.”
“Does this diaper make me look fat???”
“What should I do for the talent portion? I am thinking of taking a crap standing up.”
The swimsuit competition is a bummer, but they have them anyway because they are popular with creeps, some of whom are major sponsors.
I think eventually they will start the competition even earlier, at the zygote stage of development. Call it the “Miss Conception” pageant. The whole thing will be done through ultrasound photos. The “Miss Photogenic” award shines in this pageant. “Hey- I don’t think that’s even a girl- that is either a penis or an elbow right there.” “Hey what about this for a talent- two heartbeats!”
Even the current Miss America pageant is more of a tribute to winner’s coach and plastic surgeon than to the girl herself. They put her together like a Mr. Potatohead. One surgeon attaches the nose, another the boobs, one pins her ears like a Doberman pinscher, and another sucks the fat out of her ass and puts it into her calves. Sometimes they take out a rib or two so food can’t stick to it, and then somebody attaches a boatload of hair. Someday there will be the first ribless, assless, thighless contestant, which will resemble a sea cucumber, only hot and with unusually white teeth.
They also have a coach that tells her how to answer the questions so that she just looks dumb rather than just stupid. Remember this question and answer?:
Q: A fifth of Americans can't locate the US on a world map. Why do you think this is?
A: I personally believe that US Americans are unable to do so because some people out there in our nation don’t have maps and that I believe our education like such as South Africa and the Iraq, and everywhere, such as, and I believe that they should our education over here in the US, should help the US, or should help South Africa and help the Iraq and the Asian countries so that we will be able to build out our future for us.
That kind of complicated answer has to be coached by a qualified professional; you can’t leave it up to her to make it up by herself. Obviously before the pageant they meticulously went over the countries in the world by using a big puzzle, which she then took into her bedroom to study, the night before showtime. On her way, she tripped over the cat, spilling countries everywhere and asunder. When she put it back together, it resembled the above answer.
And don’t get me started on the Miss Universe Contest which should NOT be so named unless they are going to open up the competition to other planets. If women are from Venus and men are from Mars, let’s see some of them. Let’s see some exposed antennae in a wardrobe malfunction. Let’s see a disqualification of an eight-armed juggling contestant during the talent portion. Let’s find out once and for all if they are just here for their green card.
Incidentally, the Miss America representatives dislike the phrase “beauty pageant,” since the Evening Wear and Swimsuit competitions comprise only 35 percent of the scoring, and also since some of the girls are ugly. The other 65 percent of the scoring is based on the size of their cans. By the way, if you are scoring at home, congratulations.
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