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Friday, April 2, 2010



Have you sent your Census Form back yet? I have not. But Person Number 1 has. After 30 some odd years (some would argue most odd) of signing on the dotted line below my dotted line, my wife has taken it upon herself to become “Person Number 1,” as directed by our Census form. I found this amazing! Of all the people in America to receive the survey, she was the FIRST!

So Person Number 1 was just about to start answering the questions, but then Person Number 1 had to clean up a cat number 2.

The questions seem fairly simple. They ask your name, which she got right. But that is not until question #5. There are other more important matters. First it asks, “How many people are living or staying at this house, apartment or mobile home?” Which implies that some of the people staying at your house might not necessarily be alive. This is potentially a trick question which you should answer carefully, and if need be, consult a deceased lawyer.

Question 2: “Are there any additional people staying here that you did not include in Question 1?” If you recently put an addition on your home, this is where they probably are living, so check that out. Or it might mean people who are good at math.

Then it asks: Are You Hot? If so, what is your telephone number???

It asks your sex, Male or Female. It instructs you to “Mark ONE box,” so it won’t do to hedge your bets.

You have to list your age. The form says it is okay to report a baby as age 0, but a baby age 0 seems like it may have been ill-conceived.

In addition to asking your race (I put the 5K), it separately asks whether you are of Hispanic, Latino or Spanish origin. If so, what is your batting average? I think they may be starting a softball team at the census bureau.

Question number 10: “Does Person 1 sometimes live or stay somewhere else?” By the way if you live in a trailer, you may be at home and also somewhere else, depending on where you are parked. The choices are: 1.) In college housing; 2.) In the military; 3.) At a second residence; 4.) For child custody; 5). In jail or prison; 6.) In a nursing home; 7.) For another reason, which I take to mean: Who-knows-where with Tiger Woods.

Speaking of Tiger, I was recently in the office of a noted sexual psychiatrist, who evaluated him. The doctor sat him down and said, “Mr. Woods, I will first ask you two important questions to make an analysis of your condition and determine whether you are a sex addict. First, are you a guy?” Tiger answered yes. The doctor said, “Okay, so you are a sex addict. Now the next question: do you know how to play whist? We have another 50 minutes to kill till ten minutes of two.”

The doctor then proceeded to win 17 hands of whist in a row, but then Tiger challenged him to arm wrestle, whereupon he won and bruised a bone in the doctor’s hand.

Tiger then showed me a text message he recently sent to a “links minx:”
“I C U from 16th T. U R a Q T! I like UR B hind. U have a nice boo T. luv TGRRR”

I can’t really picture Tiger as a ladies man since he seems so polite- the very name “Tiger” should be reserved for football players or boxers, not golfers. These guys are dressing in knickers and visors- you make your own judgement, and please mark only ONE box.

Question number 11 asks: “Didn’t I just see you at the hardware store?”

There are many scam questionnaires going around, so pay attention to the questions if they do not match the ones I have listed above. Does it ask for your Social Security number? Does it ask, “What is your cat’s name?” That plus the current year will get you into just about any account. Does it ask, “Where do you keep your spare key?” All red flags.

So fill out the census and be counted. And long live the NEW Person Number 1. She will enjoy her newfound status, higher self-esteem, and I’m guessing a jury duty notice sometime very soon.

Incidentally, if you do not send back your form, a government Census agent comes to you to harass, cajole and harangue you, not necessarily in that order. And your tax dollars are paying for it. The first thing they ask you is won’t you please come to your census. Then they push right in and check what’s in the fridge. If they don’t leave, you may have to list them in Question number two. Chances are they will eventually go; it’s off to the next field trip, where apparently NO ONE at Sin City Gentlemen’s Club has answered the census.

Provided by website-hit-counters.com site.

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