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Monday, November 15, 2010


I hate talking about politics since it makes me so angry I could spit. I would only discuss it here, where no one can interrupt me, or while using chewing tobacco. This way I can kill two birds with one stone. By the way, I don’t need to kill birds at all- they will do it themselves: There is a cardinal who lives outside our house that flies into the garage window on an average of 40 times a day, and that is no joke. If the “No-Fly List” ever needed to be expanded, this is who it should be expanded to include. Somebody said, “he probably sees his own reflection in the window.” So what? I see my reflection in the mirror 5 times a day, and I don’t try to attack the mirror every time, I would say every other time though, since my hair has taken on a life of its own and often goes places without me that I have no interest in visiting.

So now that the elections are finally over, what does it all mean? The Republicans have answered the call of the American People: We want LESS government! Quit bailing us out of all our messes that we got ourselves into! Wouldn’t it be cheaper if we were bonded out instead? What if congress bails out Freddie Mac, and Freddie Mac jumps bail and changes his name? So the Republicans have issued the following promise: As YOUR representatives, we will do even LESS than we did before. In fact, we’ll go one further: we will do NOTHING! This election American politics held a giant mirror up to our society, and we looked into it and asked ourselves: “What the hell is that thing? Was that there before? That is GROSS.”

Candidates who were flash heroes will fade back into the gloaming. Carl Paladino will have return to whatever he used to do before. I fantasize that he was a Sunday School teacher:
“Kids, our last field trip we saw a bunch of sick animals all oiled up wearing Speedos. It’s disgusting.”
“But Mr. Paladino we were at the beach!”
I went around my house checking all the woodwork lest something else come crawling out of it, and I urge you to do the same.

The girl who said she was a witch or thought she was a witch or whatever, lost. Ding-dong, the witch is dead.

Linda Macmahon is headed back to the WWE. There are a lot of bald fat dudes over there who wear startlingly revealing clothing, and it’s probably a lot like Congress. Men should not wear unitards; men do need more than one tard. Wrestlers yell at everything and everybody, and abuse the referees, who don’t even carry whistles to protect themselves. If they are taking all those steroids (and you can tell that they are because their voices sound like a vacuum cleaner sucking up acorns) don’t you think they’d be in better shape?

The law to legalize marijuana did not pass. They figured they could slip it through by saying it would help the economy and create jobs. It WOULD create jobs because stoners are kind of slow on the uptake, so it takes two of them to do the same job a drunk guy usually does. There are a lot of laws that prohibit things that really don’t need prohibiting, and they tie up valuable police resources that should be going towards tasing people. For instance, “criminal mischief” should not be a crime. This is a catch-all term for all the crimes that don’t really belong in an existing category. It’s like when you go to a wedding, and there is one table where all the misfits are who aren’t really family, aren’t really friends, aren’t acquaintances, don’t work with the bride and groom, and are pretty much annoying, but they gave a REALLY expensive shower gift. What is criminal mischief? Example: you tie a guy’s shoelaces together, then run over him with your car. OR pull the chair out from under him just as he is about to sit, and grab his wallet on the way down.

Nor should “menacing” remain a crime. I mean Dennis was a menace for god’s sake. There is a face that I make when I’m on the subway and I encounter someone who might be violent and/or nuts. I consider it to be menacing, but it only cracks my wife up.

The new Health Care Law is in danger of being repealed. God forbid the nation should heal the people. In Amsterdam, they give out free syringes, but YOU have to figure out what to put in them. I was at a bar and a girl came around and asked me if I wanted shots, so I got one for diphtheria, a tetanus and one for my distemper, since the Tea Party has gotten me in the habit of being ANGRY.

The Bush Tax Cuts are scheduled to expire soon. I had NO IDEA that there was a tax on that in the first place, and I only hope that if they check my records they don’t go back too far.

The election did nothing to make Sarah Palin go away. In fact she even has her own cable show now, where she rides down rapids in an inflatable raft while she fires mortar rounds at elk from a 60 mm muzzle loader. Which is fine because she’s hot, but when she opens her mouth her hotness is instantly replaced by an annoying, shrill voice that puts my fantasies in reverse without having a chance to go to neutral first. Suffice it to say that I picture performing unspeakable acts with her, namely any act that during which she does not speak. In terms of gun control, I myself went out and bought a gun. Isn’t that proof enough that we need tighter laws?

Incidentally, The drug policy in the Netherlands remains widely watched by other countries interested in instituting similar legislation. The Dutch idea of “gedoogbeleid,” or “tolerance,” is easy to remember because it spells “dielebgoodeg” backwards. Cannabis is technically a controlled substance there, but its sale in coffee shops is widely tolerated, mostly because the coffee is so bad. A recent poll said that 60% of Dutch citizens were in favor of legalized marijuana, while only 15% were against it. Oddly, 5% supported a write-in choice of Twinkies.
Also incidentally, I only mention the Netherlands because this blog had 37 hits there last month. I thought that it was very exciting that I was so popular in world markets until I realized that the phrase “thewor ldinb riefs” means “Brittney Spears nude in the vegetable aisle” in Dutch.

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