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Monday, November 11, 2013


We went to a couple Halloween parties this year. Saw all the usual faces. At least I think that was them. We always go to Jenn’s for pre-Halloween Saturday, and we’ve met so many nice friends over the years, although I have no idea what any of them look like. If they happen to be at the A & P dressed like Spiderman or a flapper I might recognize them and say hello.

We were late to the party because there was an accident on the highway, and I couldn’t help thinking how awful it would be to get into a car accident on Halloween-Party-Saturday. The indignity of the police scanner broadcast: “We need EMS here right away. We have a cat with a possible broken fetlock and some lacerations to the tail. Also a beer keg dude with a spigot injury. Accident possibly caused by a horseman trying to get ahead.”

So this year I went as a pirate joke. It’s pretty much the same as a pirate costume only I had a lot of bad quips to go along with it. Oh and I also had a captain’s wheel stuck to my crotch (“Why?” I heard you ask. “I don’t know, but it’s driving me nuts!”). I also had a paper towel stuck to the top of my pirate hat (“There’s a bounty on me head HAR!”). It went on like this for quite some time, certainly longer than absolutely necessary. I made a papier mache parrot for my shoulder (“Have you met me bird? Her memory’s not what it used to be- I call her Poly-nesia! ARRGGGGH”). Argh. I apologize to anyone who already heard these gems that evening, but I’m thinking of taking the act over to Somalia, where the pirates clearly have no respect for tradition. Same in Pittsburgh. There is also a lot of piracy on the internet that I will be addressing. By the way, what has eight arms and eight legs? Eight pirates! Avast!

“I liked that guy dressed as a fireman,” I told my wife on the way to the next party. “That actually was a fireman- I think we got the hell out of there just in time,” she said.

Have you noticed that Halloween is getting more and more sexy? A lot of bats with bustiers, cats with camisoles, schoolgirls in stockings, etc. I am okay with this- zombie broads in stockings are still hot. Also it seems that drunk girls who have a tail have better balance.

You hardly ever see any of the old-school monsters any more. There was Dracula, but he doesn’t Count. I read in a crossword puzzle that Dracula can’t see himself in the mirror, which explains his horrible hair. One of these days I am going to go as Frankenstein. Who actually dressed more like a bell captain; it was Frankenstein’s monster that got all the attention.

Or maybe I will go as the Phantom of the Opera. But do I have to sit through the goddamned opera? Couldn’t I just be the Phantom of the Giant’s Home Game, or the Phantom of the Strip Club??

I might go as the Invisible Man, especially if there is a game on.

Some people dressed as Miley Cyrus, even Miley Cyrus did. By the way, my New Year’s resolution is to spend less time with Miley Cyrus. Why is she in my life so often? She doesn’t seem particularly attractive, not especially talented, her music uncompelling, not even much of a body, and yet there she is, day after day, appearing in an important news bulletin for sticking out her tongue while dancing. I used to stick out my tongue all the time when I was a little kid and no one thought I was a special genius. Now Taylor Swift on the other hand is a different story. Quite a beauty, but I would never date her, even if I was not married. The reason? No, not all of those, or even those, thanks a lot. The reason I could never date Taylor Swift is that our relationship would end badly after a couple hours, and she would write a song about me. And there isn’t one thing that rhymes with “Rick” that is at all flattering.

Incidentally, here are a few Halloween trick-or-treating safety tips that I came across:

1.) Always wear flame retardant costumes. But don’t use the word “retardant” where the costumes can hear you.
2.) Wear comfortable, practical shoes, especially if you are going as a lesbian.
3.) Don’t carry fake knives, guns or weapons. It doesn’t say you shouldn’t carry real ones, interestingly enough.
4.) Carry a flashlight, and plan your route ahead of time.
5.) If a stranger says, “Come here, I want to give you some candy,” that’s pretty much what you signed up for.
6.) Avoid any candy that has been opened. Try to go for candy that you like, but your parents do not, or do what I used to do, and make a “decoy” bag of stupid stuff or treats that are good for you (I once got a box of frigging raisins), and make sure your parents see that instead of the good candy. Happy trick-or-treating!

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