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Tuesday, January 14, 2014


Now that we have rung in the New Year and the holiday lights have been taken off the tree, it’s time to take a look back at the year that was. Also, that reminds me to take the holiday lights off the tree. Now, a review of the weird stories of 2013, and remember, all of these stories are true:

In January, Notre Dame football player Manti Te'o revealed that the death of his girlfriend in a car accident was indeed a hoax, and that the girlfriend was imaginary. I have certainly imagined many women, many times, specializing in many things. They all share a common bond: a deep-seated relief that they are not real. It was later acknowledged that the ruse was perpetrated by his former friend, Ronaiah Tuiasosopo, who also was imaginary.

In February, an article appeared that a growing number of wildlife experts have begun to question whether the endangered giant panda is really worth saving. I wholeheartedly agree with this assessment; where are we going to put a bunch of giant pandas? I can’t even find enough counter space in my kitchen for the coffeemaker. Further, the panda is an herbivore. We should be concentrating on species that are more important to the ecosystem, such as the Argentinean Boa constrictor, which could potentially be trained to eat Republicans.

In March, women’s clothing maker Lululemon recalled its popular line of yoga pants amid complaints that people could see through them. The company tried to insinuate that the pants might not be suitable for fat women, but people saw right through that excuse. I also recall those pants- I saw them on a girl and for a moment I thought I had X-ray vision. I did notice that she had a hairline fracture on her hairline. On the plus side, if I get trapped inside a pair of these pants at least I would be able to see out of them, provided I remember to bring my glasses.

In March, a NY city police officer was convicted of plotting to kill and eat women. Officer Gilberto Valle was accused of this behavior by his wife, whom he called “tasteless.” (I made that last part up) His lawyer, Julia Gatto, called the verdict “devastating,” whereupon Officer Valle popped her in his mouth like a tic-tac. (I made that last part up too, although it was written about in Law Digest) It does prove the old adage that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.

In April, Henry Gribbohm from New Hampshire lost his life savings of $2,600 playing "Tubs of Fun," a game that involves tossing a ball into a tub so that it does not bounce out. From my limited experience with tubs, I can tell you that your balls should NEVER bounce out. What is even more shocking is that during his 30 years on Earth he managed to save only $2,600. Even though he did spend all that money, he did win a prize: there is a picture on the internet of him with a huge stuffed banana that wears a permanent facial expression that says: "HAHA! I may be a stuffed banana but at least I have my dignity!" The banana should look great Mr. Gribbohm’s new home, a refrigerator box.

In August, the IRS was accused of requiring Tea Party-related groups to fill out extra paperwork to apply for non-profit status. My sisters had tea parties all the time when we were kids, and we never once filled out extra paperwork. Then again, they were never very profitable.

In August, a baby giant anteater was born at a Greenwich zoo. Sometimes when a baby is born the parents send a card in the mail that says how much it weighs, so you know right away if the baby needs to hit the gym and maybe give up blintzes. Well they didn't even bother with that in this case. It could be that this is an animal that eats baby giant ants- the article doesn't say.

In October, ancient cave art was discovered in Paiui, Brazil, dating back 30,000 years. They have been able to pin it down exactly, since some of the fashions depicted are hopelessly out of date: some of the animals are wearing animal prints- really??? Get with it! Some of the drawings showed people having sex, proving that porn was freely available even in pre-historic man-caves.

In December, 2,000 dead mice were dropped onto the island of Guam, each gently falling to Earth using a parachute of cardboard and tissue paper so that the fall didn't kill them even more than they already were. The mice were laced with acetaminophen so that they might in turn kill the excess population of brown tree snakes, an invasive species. It was not considered "cruelty to animals" since the acetaminophen cured their headaches first.

Incidentally, 2013 is the first year since 1987 that contains four different digits.

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