Search The World... In Briefs!

Friday, January 30, 2015


Here are the important stories of this year. They are so stupid that I could not possibly have made them up.

*In February, the Girl Scouts chapter of Colorado told their members that they cannot sell cookies outside of marijuana dispensaries. This may seem to go against everything America stands for, but It turns out to be simply a safety issue. Apparently, shoppers at the pot shop, after eating all the Girl Scout cookies, ate some of the Brownies, who were only there to help their big sisters. On the plus side, Girl Scouts ARE allowed to sell weed outside of cookie stores.

*This year, the NFL welcomed its first outwardly gay football player, Michael Sam. Or vice-versa. What exactly does "outwardly gay" mean? Don't answer that. Remember what a surprise it was when Ellen Degereres came out as gay? I imagine this particular NFL announcement to be a little bit like that. There are guys in the locker room that know all of the words to the songs from "Frozen," and guys that don't know that many. There are guys that remember what Cher looked like in that video straddling a 406mm cannon, and guys that just remember the 406mm cannon. Although I'm not sure which guys are the straight ones and which guys are gay.

*In March, the Supreme Court announced that it had declined to hear the "I {heart} Boobies" case. School officials in Easton, Pennsylvania had suspended two girls for wearing bracelets that support breast cancer awareness with the slogan "I (the heart symbol) Boobies." The girls had challenged the decision based on the right to free speech, even though they hadn't said much. Ironically, since the girls were in the seventh and eighth grades, they probably hadn't had enough experience with boobies to determine how they really felt about them. The students were also prohibited from attending the school's winter ball, prompting them to wear a bracelet on the other arm that said, "I {heart} Balls."

*In March, Denver, Colorado introduced the O.penVAPE Cannabis Job Fair, for prospective employees seeking a career in the burgeoning recreational marijuana industry. I was able to ask an attendee at the event what kind of job he was seeking at the fair, and he replied, "What fair?" He then fell over and landed in a chair in front of an HR representative, who looked over his resume and asked him, "I notice you didn't smoke marijuana at all at your last job, and had a perfect attendance record. Can you explain that please?" He was later hired against his will as part of a joint venture.

*In March, a small Japanese airline encountered a bit of bad publicity after announcing that it will require flight attendants to wear very short mini-skirts. There was no word whether the uniforms are only required for female stewardesses, but no male employees have complained. The airline, in its defense, stated that in fact the garments were not really short mini-skirts, but really long micro-skirts. The incident has caused quite a flap, which the stewardesses used to cover up their asses.

*In May, two boys in upstate New York were injured when a "bouncy house" went airborne. The bouncy house started out in South Glens Falls, and presumably ended up in North Glens Falls. The scene was eerily similar to one depicted in "The Wizard of Oz," and may, in fact, have been a copyright infringement. New regulations for properly tethering these attractions are being considered to avoid mishaps in the future. Having ties to the community is what makes a bouncy house a bouncy home.

*In July, the Caribbean Coral Reef Institute revealed that it had named a new species of water mite after Jennifer Lopez. The insect has a small thorax and a very large ass, and when captured in a paper bag, was apparently unable to act its way out of it. The singer, known for such works as, "I Luh Ya Papi," was unavailable for comment, but it was noted that the water mite spoke better English. A giddy, unnamed scientist exclaimed, "Thinking of JLo always gives me an organism!"

*In August, ecologists at LSU reported a "dead zone" in the Gulf of Mexico the size of Connecticut. A dead zone is a man-made condition that causes water to become so algae-infested that it cannot produce enough oxygen to sustain life. Even so, it is believed to have more to do in it than Connecticut. When the dead zone moves closer to the Florida panhandle, officials will fry it up and serve it at participating Chipotles. A similar dead zone in the Midwest the size of Wyoming was later discovered to be Wyoming.

*In August, according to reports, one of Nicki Minaj's dancers was bitten by a snake during the filming of a music video. Apparently both were performing a tap dancing routine. The snake says that Nicki Minaj's dancer started the altercation and bit the snake first. Immediately several people sprang into action and attempted to suck poison out of various places on Nicki Minaj's body, even though it was not a poisonous snake and Nicki Minaj was not involved in any way. Later the ASPCA admitted that Nicki Minaj had an oversized asp.

Like you, I am looking forward to a productive 2015. Now get out there and do something idiotic!

No comments:

Post a Comment