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Friday, September 11, 2015



    It was hot last week in the suburbs, and absolutely scorching in the City. It was close to 100 degrees Fahrenheit, even hotter in Celsius, and don't get me started on Kelvin. To find out how hot it was in Kelvin, I added 459.67, as one should, then multiplied by a factor of 5/9. It was 311 degrees last week. The "real feel" temperature in Kelvin was 572 degrees.

     Weathermen love things like "real feel" temperature, which takes into account not only the temperature, but the humidity, the wind chill and other factors, such as weathermen constantly telling you how hot it is. To me the "real feel" temperature was that it felt really hot. The "heat index," which is located next to the "heat table of contents," also concurred that it was hot. A heat wave is considered to be three consecutive days of at least 90 degree temperatures. If it's two days, it's only LIKE a heat wave, burning in my heart.

     All of this prompted Mayor de Blasio to call a press conference to let everyone know that it was hot. He outlined some common sense guidelines to help us all deal with the situation. First, he said not to go outdoors if you didn't have to. If it's hotter indoors, you probably shouldn't go there either. I just stood in my doorway for a while until it was time for Judge Judy. He also said to cut down on using appliances during the day, and if possible wash your clothes and dishes at night. Makes sense, that way they have the whole day to get dirty. He suggested that you set your air conditioning at 78 degrees. My house was only 76 degrees, so I turned on the heat to get it up to snuff. He asked that you check on your neighbors, so I took the opportunity to do a little snooping. I waited until they were out, and made a little investigation to see what was in the fridge: Cookies! I wrote de Blasio personally to thank him for that suggestion.

     As he was yakking away, I noticed that his interpreter for the deaf was working up quite a sweat translating everything the mayor said using a wide array of hand and mouth movements. It looked like she was coaching somebody who was trying to parallel park into a really small space.
     Then de Blasio repeated the whole thing in Spanish, but I thought I heard the words "Nicky Minaj" and "loco glùteos." I could be wrong. Also, there was no Spanish interpreter for the deaf, so that was an oversight.

     Yes, it was helpful for the Mayor to point out that it was hot out, but since I had to use an oven mitt to get into my car, I was already aware of it. And when I tried to hop on my motorcycle, I heard a hissing noise like a hamburger searing itself to the grill, and I had the toasted buns to go with it. Was it hot enough to fry an egg? Yes it was! After I ate I was informed that I was supposed to fry it not on my stove but on the sidewalk, which seemed unsanitary. I then tried to make bacon out on the sidewalk, and I learned that breakfast foods are poor indicators of weather conditions. I also found out that dogs do not mind lukewarm bacon at all.

     As a public service, I would also add the following tips to help keep Somers residents cool:

1. Do not should not stand next to places where hot air could blow out, such as diesel buses, subway grates and Republican fundraisers.
2. Don't do anything that will make you sweat unnecessarily, like lying to the police about how fast you were going, even though did you ever actually TRY to go only 30 miles per hour?
3. Don't do anything that will make your "blood boil," like sit next to a guy on the subway perched in the "crotch ready" position, legs spread wide, taking up three seats as he waits for a free gynecological checkup.
4. Do not stand next to anything hot, such as Heidi Klum. Instead, try to stand next to something cool, like Johnny Depp or Dave Grohl.
5. Do not try to toast anything in my toaster oven, which could result in fire, but rarely results in toast.
6. As a favor to those around you, do not greet people warmly.
7. It is EXTREMELY DANGEROUS to hang out in the fridge, no matter how many of your neighbor's cookies are in there.


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