SPECIAL TO THE SOMERS RECORD (12-03-15)
What would Thanksgiving be without a beautifully carved turkey, a table overflowing with fresh fruits and vegetables, fine wine in abundance and a crackling fire in the background? Well, to tell you the truth, it would be a lot like Thanksgiving at my house. Many of our finest holiday traditions were passed down through the years like a hand-me-down pair of shoes: a little ratty and ill-fitting, but they're ours.
We used to have a turkey with all of the fixins, but there are so few of us in the area now we're down to about one fixin. Cranberry sauce of course, but if it isn't served in the perfect shape of a can what good is it?
Stuffing comes out of a box- if it was good at stuffing the box, it ought to do just as well in the turkey. I don't eat stuffing myself because I think it's kind of weird to hollow out animals and fill them up with something else. I believe it would be better to just follow the turkey around, and wait until it eats a whole bunch of cubed breadcrumbs and celery and onions, and as soon as it says, "Wow- I am STUFFED!" Bingo- right into the oven.
The parts that you removed from your bird in order to stuff in the stuffing are called the giblets. These may sound adorable, like little pets that run around on an exercise wheel, but in fact they are kind of gross. They consist of the inner organs and the gizzards. Things that even Jed Clampett would think twice about eating. But wouldn't you know, there are recipes for these innards for people who have to devour everything in the world, people who would cook and eat the spare tire from your car.
I remember when I was young, sitting by the fireplace and thinking that nothing is better than the smell of smoke on Thanksgiving. When I realized that there was nothing in the fireplace and that the smoke was coming from the kitchen, I knew that my mom had reached her limit of three whiskey sours, and that we all had to pretend that we didn't notice that the carrots were burning in the bottom of the pan for about fifteen minutes.
Instead of a Norman Rockwell painting with a cornucopia of fresh vegetables, we just heat up frozen corn from a bag, and I used to feel self-conscious about that. But then I read that frozen corn actually has more nutrients in it than fresh corn does. Now I'm trying to convince my wife that since ice cream is ALWAYS frozen, the amount of nutrients in it must be EPIC. I'm working on it.
The bird is ready and out of the oven. The idea of "carving" a turkey makes it sound like you're some kind of a craftsman, whittling one out of wood. In reality it's kind of barbaric, chopping off body parts one at a time. I can't even do it, so my brother-in-law takes care of things. My dad used to cut it up with this electric knife that seemed like a miniature chain saw. Only a few short weeks after Halloween, it had a bit of a macabre tinge to it. I feel like the turkey didn't even see this kind of torture coming- I would at least water-board it a little first.
Finally it's time to eat. We express our gratitude and say a couple words of remembrance for those who can't be here to argue with us. After all, a beautiful meal served with your whole family is something to be thankful for. Because when everyone is eating, they usually aren't talking. And when the dinner is over, alcohol and counseling are also good things to be thankful for.
What would Thanksgiving be without a beautifully carved turkey, a table overflowing with fresh fruits and vegetables, fine wine in abundance and a crackling fire in the background? Well, to tell you the truth, it would be a lot like Thanksgiving at my house. Many of our finest holiday traditions were passed down through the years like a hand-me-down pair of shoes: a little ratty and ill-fitting, but they're ours.
We used to have a turkey with all of the fixins, but there are so few of us in the area now we're down to about one fixin. Cranberry sauce of course, but if it isn't served in the perfect shape of a can what good is it?
Stuffing comes out of a box- if it was good at stuffing the box, it ought to do just as well in the turkey. I don't eat stuffing myself because I think it's kind of weird to hollow out animals and fill them up with something else. I believe it would be better to just follow the turkey around, and wait until it eats a whole bunch of cubed breadcrumbs and celery and onions, and as soon as it says, "Wow- I am STUFFED!" Bingo- right into the oven.
The parts that you removed from your bird in order to stuff in the stuffing are called the giblets. These may sound adorable, like little pets that run around on an exercise wheel, but in fact they are kind of gross. They consist of the inner organs and the gizzards. Things that even Jed Clampett would think twice about eating. But wouldn't you know, there are recipes for these innards for people who have to devour everything in the world, people who would cook and eat the spare tire from your car.
I remember when I was young, sitting by the fireplace and thinking that nothing is better than the smell of smoke on Thanksgiving. When I realized that there was nothing in the fireplace and that the smoke was coming from the kitchen, I knew that my mom had reached her limit of three whiskey sours, and that we all had to pretend that we didn't notice that the carrots were burning in the bottom of the pan for about fifteen minutes.
Instead of a Norman Rockwell painting with a cornucopia of fresh vegetables, we just heat up frozen corn from a bag, and I used to feel self-conscious about that. But then I read that frozen corn actually has more nutrients in it than fresh corn does. Now I'm trying to convince my wife that since ice cream is ALWAYS frozen, the amount of nutrients in it must be EPIC. I'm working on it.
The bird is ready and out of the oven. The idea of "carving" a turkey makes it sound like you're some kind of a craftsman, whittling one out of wood. In reality it's kind of barbaric, chopping off body parts one at a time. I can't even do it, so my brother-in-law takes care of things. My dad used to cut it up with this electric knife that seemed like a miniature chain saw. Only a few short weeks after Halloween, it had a bit of a macabre tinge to it. I feel like the turkey didn't even see this kind of torture coming- I would at least water-board it a little first.
Finally it's time to eat. We express our gratitude and say a couple words of remembrance for those who can't be here to argue with us. After all, a beautiful meal served with your whole family is something to be thankful for. Because when everyone is eating, they usually aren't talking. And when the dinner is over, alcohol and counseling are also good things to be thankful for.
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