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Friday, July 8, 2016



     I was stopped recently by the Lewisboro Police for not having an inspection sticker or license plate on my motorcycle. This seemed pretty weird since I had had both the last time I looked. I could only conclude that someone must have stolen them. An inspection sticker is not likely to just fall off, or they wouldn't call it a sticker, and the license plate was bolted on. It's not like they were collector's items or anything.

     I chose to fight the ticket and appear in court, because of the principle of the thing. The principle of the thing involved the parting of about a hundred and fifty bucks. There was no parking at the Lewisboro Town Hall, so I pulled into a space at the shopping center. It was obvious that even if I had my ticket dismissed, I would be issued another on the way out.

     There was a lengthy wait. I looked around the room and most people seemed pretty guilty. A couple of the accused were asleep, which made me believe they were innocent, but only in their dreams. I noticed a few people who looked like they were working on an insanity defense.

     Some were normal-looking, well-dressed and quiet. Those are the ones you have to watch out for. I had neighbor once who never said a word. Whenever you passed him he never said hello, just nodded at you even though you didn't ask him anything. I don't know if he ever committed any crimes, but he certainly had the psychological profile for it.

     I was getting bored- I didn't bring anything to read. I was hoping to be interviewed by the court reporter, but she must have been working on another story, all she did was type and type. I thought that if I couldn't successfully fight this ticket and for some reason I ended up in prison, I could at least make myself a new license plate.

     The justice was a woman, and I immediately became very frightened, because I watch a LOT of Judge Judy. If my magistrate yelled out "YOU'RE AN IDIOT," what evidence could I possibly use to refute that? But her honor was extremely polite and respectful. Do I call her "your honor" or "my honor?" I wasn't sure whose honor it actually was.

     Sometimes Judge Judy makes a move where she waves her arms really fast as if there is a bee about to land in her hair, and this means you're in idiot. Other times she laughs maniacally and loudly, then all of a sudden stops and calls you an idiot. Once in a while she doesn't say anything at all and just looks at you, because it seems obvious that you're an idiot.

     None of that happened, and the judge had a much better disposition than my case, although she did seem a little disappointed that I could not come to an agreement with the prosecutor. I felt like telling her that even though we didn't agree on my case, we had similar taste in neckties.

     If it please the court, I started yakking away about my theory that the inspection sticker and the license plate were stolen at the same time, and that I always get my motorcycle inspected when I have my yearly service done, etc. etc., but the court didn't look that pleased. I think I was talking too fast and too loud, but I wanted to make sure she heard my case. She told me I would get a notice in the mail with my trial date.

     If I did end up in the "Big House," I would want to further my education. I graduated from Syracuse University with a bachelor's degree, under the agreement that if they handed me a diploma against their better judgment, I would never return. But now that I am married I might want to upgrade the bachelor's degree in prison. If this plan involves the least bit of math, I may have to commit a couple more crimes because it may take a while.

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