SPECIAL TO THE SOMERS RECORD (06-16-16)
National Doughnut Day was June third this year, and if you missed it there is probably a hole in your life. I assumed that this holiday was created by doughnut makers, or by greeting-card companies to tug on the heartstrings of people who wish to send a loving sentiment to their favorite doughnut. But actually, it commemorates Salvation Army volunteers who went to France during World War I to pass out doughnuts to American troops serving there.
It was first recognized in 1938 in Chicago as a fundraiser during the Depression. Doughnuts can temporarily cure depression, in case you haven't noticed. These days many franchises offer free doughnuts to celebrate.
My wife is so addicted to Dunkin' Donuts coffee that she can sense the location of any franchise in any town, and drive to it automatically. When I tell her that we just had coffee already, she looks at me with disdain and suspicion, as if I just turned state's evidence against her.
Some people observed this holiday by taking selfies with their doughnuts. Cuties on the internet were snapped gleefully holding up their little friends, with a bite missing. There are those who will take a picture of themselves just about anywhere, but you look a little lonely if your companion is a doughnut. It kind of looks like you went on a trip together. "Here I am at the Grand Canyon with my new doughnut! After this we're heading to Vegas!"
I don't eat a whole lot of doughnuts, but I like them even though they contain so many "empty" calories. By empty calories I mean any calories that aren't filled by chocolate candy. You could probably lose weight on a diet of doughnuts because of the hole in the middle- how many dessert foods are half full of air?
I have seen swim floats shaped like doughnuts, and who knows- they have probably averted drownings. Every National Doughnut Day, people are browbeaten into telling the story about how their life was saved by a giant doughnut. Those are the ones who hide in the closet the first Friday of every June.
Why do some people call them donuts instead of doughnuts? I'm not sure, since they actually contain dough, and rarely do they contain nuts. It might be a misguided effort to save time, like writing "thanx" instead of "thanks," which only saves you one letter. If you want to save me time, don't make me wait behind you while you pay for doughnuts using a credit card.
I'm suspicious about the invention of doughnuts, the same way I'm suspicious of just about everything. For instance, I sometimes believe that Mother Teresa was in it for the publicity. I think that holes were probably put into doughnuts as a way to save manufacturers money. Companies are always playing this cat-and-mouse game with us: They figure out a way to save themselves a few billion dollars, and then try to pass it off as a product improvement. Take my underwear, for example, and I realize that's asking a lot. They used to have a tag in the back, so even if it was dark or
during an earthquake I could figure out where the front was by the process of elimination. Now some underpants genius figured out that Hanes could save money by leaving off the tag, and they launched an expensive ad campaign to convince us that those labels were a HUGE inconvenience. And now half the time I'm walking around with my underwear on backwards and inside-out, especially during an earthquake.
National Doughnut Day was June third this year, and if you missed it there is probably a hole in your life. I assumed that this holiday was created by doughnut makers, or by greeting-card companies to tug on the heartstrings of people who wish to send a loving sentiment to their favorite doughnut. But actually, it commemorates Salvation Army volunteers who went to France during World War I to pass out doughnuts to American troops serving there.
It was first recognized in 1938 in Chicago as a fundraiser during the Depression. Doughnuts can temporarily cure depression, in case you haven't noticed. These days many franchises offer free doughnuts to celebrate.
My wife is so addicted to Dunkin' Donuts coffee that she can sense the location of any franchise in any town, and drive to it automatically. When I tell her that we just had coffee already, she looks at me with disdain and suspicion, as if I just turned state's evidence against her.
Some people observed this holiday by taking selfies with their doughnuts. Cuties on the internet were snapped gleefully holding up their little friends, with a bite missing. There are those who will take a picture of themselves just about anywhere, but you look a little lonely if your companion is a doughnut. It kind of looks like you went on a trip together. "Here I am at the Grand Canyon with my new doughnut! After this we're heading to Vegas!"
I don't eat a whole lot of doughnuts, but I like them even though they contain so many "empty" calories. By empty calories I mean any calories that aren't filled by chocolate candy. You could probably lose weight on a diet of doughnuts because of the hole in the middle- how many dessert foods are half full of air?
I have seen swim floats shaped like doughnuts, and who knows- they have probably averted drownings. Every National Doughnut Day, people are browbeaten into telling the story about how their life was saved by a giant doughnut. Those are the ones who hide in the closet the first Friday of every June.
Why do some people call them donuts instead of doughnuts? I'm not sure, since they actually contain dough, and rarely do they contain nuts. It might be a misguided effort to save time, like writing "thanx" instead of "thanks," which only saves you one letter. If you want to save me time, don't make me wait behind you while you pay for doughnuts using a credit card.
I'm suspicious about the invention of doughnuts, the same way I'm suspicious of just about everything. For instance, I sometimes believe that Mother Teresa was in it for the publicity. I think that holes were probably put into doughnuts as a way to save manufacturers money. Companies are always playing this cat-and-mouse game with us: They figure out a way to save themselves a few billion dollars, and then try to pass it off as a product improvement. Take my underwear, for example, and I realize that's asking a lot. They used to have a tag in the back, so even if it was dark or
during an earthquake I could figure out where the front was by the process of elimination. Now some underpants genius figured out that Hanes could save money by leaving off the tag, and they launched an expensive ad campaign to convince us that those labels were a HUGE inconvenience. And now half the time I'm walking around with my underwear on backwards and inside-out, especially during an earthquake.
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