SPECIAL TO THE SOMERS RECORD (11-24-16)
America has just come out of a long, contentious election cycle and I'm pretty sure I speak for most of America and the rest of the world when I say, "Holy crap I need a shower." I wish the election cycle had just gotten up and pedaled itself into a tree somewhere far away from me. For some, the wounds are deep, and it may seem a little too soon to laugh about things. But history has yanked us down this road by our hair before, and the sooner you get up and dust yourself off, the better. So America, after all that's been said, yelled, implied and alleged, what have we learned for next time?
Well, we learned that political campaigns are like Oprah's Give-O-Way days. Hillary says she will be giving free health care! Paid sick leave! Donald says he will do away with taxes! A brand new free wall! Actually an Amazon gift card would be even better, and if it's worth enough I am willing to vote twice. Political campaigns are like winning a new car on a game show, but when you get the bill for the gift tax a sound comes out of you like you sat on your cat.
We learned NOT to say anything in an email that you wouldn't want Russian or Chinese hackers to read. Sometimes buried in my email I put a little something about how I don't like MSG in my Chinese food because it makes me sleepy, or how I wish Russia would annex my garage so I won't have to clean it. Actually, I just c.c. everything to China and Russia these days. In case St. Lucia has hackers, I write at the bottom of every email that I love to snorkel. If you have something top secret to say that you don't want everyone to know about, for god's sake whisper it in their ear after dinner. And give them a little kiss too, it couldn't hurt.
We learned that it's okay to "double down" on indefensible positions, even if it makes you look twice as stupid.
We learned that just about everything is rigged. I went on a sailboat to get away from it all, and even that was rigged.
We learned that if someone tells you that he is a brilliant military strategist specializing in the area of the Middle East, you should probably believe them. Especially of the cornerstone of their foreign policy is to "Knock the hell out of ISIS, folks. Right?" A panel of experts have also issued a position paper on the subject, stating, "Duh."
We learned what a pussy bow shirt is, and I must say that it's not a very good look. I also never knew that a pussy-cat had a bow and a stern in the first place, which is something I will have to confirm with my cat.
We learned that it may be impractical to put a wall around the United States to keep illegal immigrants out. First of all, China put up a huge wall, you can even see it from outer space if you squint, and there are still people from other countries in China. Secondly, the same guy who wanted to build the wall to keep people out also wanted to deport millions of people who were already here. So you would have to bus all those people out, and then hurry up and build the wall before they came back. Thirdly, good luck even finding a contractor to return your calls. I know this because we wanted to build a wall, MUCH smaller, and it took us about a year just to find someone who didn't just laugh uncontrollably before hanging up the phone.
But regardless of the outcome of ANY election, we must find a way to come together as a country and respect each others views, no matter how idiotic yours are. In the words of the great Alexander Hamilton, "Hey yo, I’m just like my country, I’m young, scrappy and hungry, and I’m not throwing away my shot!" Actually, that was from the musical, but I'm sure the real Hamilton said something just as good, although I doubt he could break-dance while saying it. I'm Rick Melén and I approve this message.
America has just come out of a long, contentious election cycle and I'm pretty sure I speak for most of America and the rest of the world when I say, "Holy crap I need a shower." I wish the election cycle had just gotten up and pedaled itself into a tree somewhere far away from me. For some, the wounds are deep, and it may seem a little too soon to laugh about things. But history has yanked us down this road by our hair before, and the sooner you get up and dust yourself off, the better. So America, after all that's been said, yelled, implied and alleged, what have we learned for next time?
Well, we learned that political campaigns are like Oprah's Give-O-Way days. Hillary says she will be giving free health care! Paid sick leave! Donald says he will do away with taxes! A brand new free wall! Actually an Amazon gift card would be even better, and if it's worth enough I am willing to vote twice. Political campaigns are like winning a new car on a game show, but when you get the bill for the gift tax a sound comes out of you like you sat on your cat.
We learned NOT to say anything in an email that you wouldn't want Russian or Chinese hackers to read. Sometimes buried in my email I put a little something about how I don't like MSG in my Chinese food because it makes me sleepy, or how I wish Russia would annex my garage so I won't have to clean it. Actually, I just c.c. everything to China and Russia these days. In case St. Lucia has hackers, I write at the bottom of every email that I love to snorkel. If you have something top secret to say that you don't want everyone to know about, for god's sake whisper it in their ear after dinner. And give them a little kiss too, it couldn't hurt.
We learned that it's okay to "double down" on indefensible positions, even if it makes you look twice as stupid.
We learned that just about everything is rigged. I went on a sailboat to get away from it all, and even that was rigged.
We learned that if someone tells you that he is a brilliant military strategist specializing in the area of the Middle East, you should probably believe them. Especially of the cornerstone of their foreign policy is to "Knock the hell out of ISIS, folks. Right?" A panel of experts have also issued a position paper on the subject, stating, "Duh."
We learned what a pussy bow shirt is, and I must say that it's not a very good look. I also never knew that a pussy-cat had a bow and a stern in the first place, which is something I will have to confirm with my cat.
We learned that it may be impractical to put a wall around the United States to keep illegal immigrants out. First of all, China put up a huge wall, you can even see it from outer space if you squint, and there are still people from other countries in China. Secondly, the same guy who wanted to build the wall to keep people out also wanted to deport millions of people who were already here. So you would have to bus all those people out, and then hurry up and build the wall before they came back. Thirdly, good luck even finding a contractor to return your calls. I know this because we wanted to build a wall, MUCH smaller, and it took us about a year just to find someone who didn't just laugh uncontrollably before hanging up the phone.
But regardless of the outcome of ANY election, we must find a way to come together as a country and respect each others views, no matter how idiotic yours are. In the words of the great Alexander Hamilton, "Hey yo, I’m just like my country, I’m young, scrappy and hungry, and I’m not throwing away my shot!" Actually, that was from the musical, but I'm sure the real Hamilton said something just as good, although I doubt he could break-dance while saying it. I'm Rick Melén and I approve this message.
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