SPECIAL TO THE SOMERS RECORD (01-05-17)
Merriam-Webster has picked 'surreal' as 2016's word of the year. The following stories may be the reason why. You can look them up for yourself and decide whether you were better off not knowing about them.
‘ALIEN MEGASTRUCTURE’ STAR KEEPS GETTING MORE MYSTERIOUS
NASA's Kepler Space Telescope searches for Earth-like planets in the galaxy, because the world is running out of important resources, like chocolate. A star known as KIC 8462852 has been emitting strange light dimming patterns, causing scientists to speculate as to the reason. Some have theorized that an "alien superstructure" may be responsible, but I think it could be due to too many people using a hairdryer over on KIC 8462851. The scientists who came up with the former theory are much smarter than I am, but my idea is only slightly less goofy.
FOUR NEW NAMES OFFICIALLY ADDED TO THE PERIODIC TABLE OF ELEMENTS
In June of 2016, we welcomed four new bundles of joy into the world: Nihonium, Moscovium, Tennessine and Oganesson. You don't have to send a gift, but a card would be nice. These elements are considered super-heavy, heavier than Ozzy Osbourne's version of "Stayin’ Alive," and should be referred to only periodically.
MAN VOLUNTEERS FOR HEAD TRANSPLANT
Valery Spiridonov, of Vladimir, Russia, has Werdnig-Hoffmann Disease, which renders his limbs useless. He has volunteered for the world's first head transplant. The pioneering surgeons have listed the survival rate at 80%, same as crossing the street in Manhattan while checking Facebook. This medical feat is no easy thing to schedule, because you have to find someone willing to volunteer for the world's first body transplant at the same time. My wife has already put me on the waiting list, but whoever gets my head should be warned that my mouth will be attached to it, and I am prone to making jokes during the most serious part of a movie.
DRONE DELIVERY OF PIZZA TESTED IN NEW ZEALAND
In August, Dominos tested a drone delivery system in Whangaporaoa, New Zealand. If you've ever been to Whangaporaoa, New Zealand, it would not surprise me if a drone dropped you off there. The operation was successful, but all the kinks have not been worked out yet. If I reach up to give a tip to the drone and its rotor chops off two of my fingertips, I do not want to be charged for an extra topping.
FATAL CRASH PHOTO SHOWS SPIRIT LEAVING BODY
In Kentucky, a photograph of fatal crash site appears to show a nebulous figure near the deceased body, possibly its spirit. No charges were filed following the collision, but the spirit was cited for leaving the scene of an accident.
REPORTER STABBED WHILE DEMONSTRATING ‘STAB-PROOF’ VEST
In Israel, where small-scale terrorism is commonplace, the vice-president of a company that markets a "stab-proof" vest tested it by stabbing a reporter in the back. After the reporter was treated for his wounds at the hospital, the company said they had stabbed him in the "wrong place," a response which many in stitches. Incidentally, the vest goes with a tie that is supposed to prevent you from being pushed off of a cliff by your wife for the insurance money.
MAN SKIPS WORK FOR 6 YEARS, RECEIVES SERVICE AWARD
A Spanish water utility employee was set to receive an award for 20 years of faithful service, when it was discovered that he had not been to work in six years. Instead of giving him an award for 14 years of faithful service, the court ordered him to pay back 27,000 euros in wages. The mayor expressed surprise that "a person could be hired for years and collecting (pay) without doing anything whatsoever." The mayor had apparently never heard of the American Congress.
I'll be back next week with a further look at the year in review!
Merriam-Webster has picked 'surreal' as 2016's word of the year. The following stories may be the reason why. You can look them up for yourself and decide whether you were better off not knowing about them.
‘ALIEN MEGASTRUCTURE’ STAR KEEPS GETTING MORE MYSTERIOUS
NASA's Kepler Space Telescope searches for Earth-like planets in the galaxy, because the world is running out of important resources, like chocolate. A star known as KIC 8462852 has been emitting strange light dimming patterns, causing scientists to speculate as to the reason. Some have theorized that an "alien superstructure" may be responsible, but I think it could be due to too many people using a hairdryer over on KIC 8462851. The scientists who came up with the former theory are much smarter than I am, but my idea is only slightly less goofy.
FOUR NEW NAMES OFFICIALLY ADDED TO THE PERIODIC TABLE OF ELEMENTS
In June of 2016, we welcomed four new bundles of joy into the world: Nihonium, Moscovium, Tennessine and Oganesson. You don't have to send a gift, but a card would be nice. These elements are considered super-heavy, heavier than Ozzy Osbourne's version of "Stayin’ Alive," and should be referred to only periodically.
MAN VOLUNTEERS FOR HEAD TRANSPLANT
Valery Spiridonov, of Vladimir, Russia, has Werdnig-Hoffmann Disease, which renders his limbs useless. He has volunteered for the world's first head transplant. The pioneering surgeons have listed the survival rate at 80%, same as crossing the street in Manhattan while checking Facebook. This medical feat is no easy thing to schedule, because you have to find someone willing to volunteer for the world's first body transplant at the same time. My wife has already put me on the waiting list, but whoever gets my head should be warned that my mouth will be attached to it, and I am prone to making jokes during the most serious part of a movie.
DRONE DELIVERY OF PIZZA TESTED IN NEW ZEALAND
In August, Dominos tested a drone delivery system in Whangaporaoa, New Zealand. If you've ever been to Whangaporaoa, New Zealand, it would not surprise me if a drone dropped you off there. The operation was successful, but all the kinks have not been worked out yet. If I reach up to give a tip to the drone and its rotor chops off two of my fingertips, I do not want to be charged for an extra topping.
FATAL CRASH PHOTO SHOWS SPIRIT LEAVING BODY
In Kentucky, a photograph of fatal crash site appears to show a nebulous figure near the deceased body, possibly its spirit. No charges were filed following the collision, but the spirit was cited for leaving the scene of an accident.
REPORTER STABBED WHILE DEMONSTRATING ‘STAB-PROOF’ VEST
In Israel, where small-scale terrorism is commonplace, the vice-president of a company that markets a "stab-proof" vest tested it by stabbing a reporter in the back. After the reporter was treated for his wounds at the hospital, the company said they had stabbed him in the "wrong place," a response which many in stitches. Incidentally, the vest goes with a tie that is supposed to prevent you from being pushed off of a cliff by your wife for the insurance money.
MAN SKIPS WORK FOR 6 YEARS, RECEIVES SERVICE AWARD
A Spanish water utility employee was set to receive an award for 20 years of faithful service, when it was discovered that he had not been to work in six years. Instead of giving him an award for 14 years of faithful service, the court ordered him to pay back 27,000 euros in wages. The mayor expressed surprise that "a person could be hired for years and collecting (pay) without doing anything whatsoever." The mayor had apparently never heard of the American Congress.
I'll be back next week with a further look at the year in review!
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment