SPECIAL TO THE SOMERS RECORD (01-04-18)
Yes, 2017 was a trying year. I tried it myself, and I didn't like it much. But there were many stories that flew way under the radar and almost crashed into a parked car. I consider it my job to bring these stories to you, and I urge you to look them up and see if you can't make any sense of them either.
NEW ORGAN DISCOVERED INSIDE THE HUMAN BODY
In January it was discovered that an organ called the "mesentery" now resides inside the human body. Where it was before that is anybody's guess, but it might have been there all along, quietly reading the paper. If it's one of those organs that doesn't seem to have a steady job and can be removed at any time, like the gall bladder or the appendix, then I will volunteer, if necessary, to donate mine to someone else who doesn't need it either.
CPR MUSICAL PLAYLIST COMPILED
In an effort to train people in the correct tempo with which to perform cardio-pulmonary resuscitation, New York Presbyterian Hospital released in March a playlist of songs that demonstrate the preferred rate of 100 chest compressions within one minute. On the playlist are "Stayin' Alive" and "Another One Bites the Dust." I loaded them on my iPod, but sometimes I leave it on "shuffle," and if "Money" by Pink Floyd happens to come up instead, I can't be responsible for what a song in 7/4 time signature could do to somebody's heart.
SOME PATIENTS OPTING FOR UBER OVER AMBULANCE
In April it came to light that some people in need of emergency medical services are using ride-hailing apps instead of calling an ambulance, in order to save hundreds of dollars. For one thing, the EMT isn't going to stop at the deli along the way, and you know the food at the hospital is going to suck. As a trade-off, there will not be an oxygen tank in the Uber ride, but they'll probably have an air freshener hanging from the mirror at least. If you happen to be an Uber driver, you might want to take a good look at the injury and determine if you need to collect the fare in advance.
NORTH KOREANS SPOTTED PLAYING VOLLEYBALL AT NUCLEAR TEST SITE
In April it was reported that several volleyball games were observed by satellite being contested at the Punggye-ri nuclear weapons test site in North Korea. As yet it remains unclear whether the country possesses the ability to fit a missile with an atomic armament, and if so, whether it would disrupt the game.
KENNY G PLAYS IMPROMPTU CONCERT ABOARD DELTA FLIGHT
Kenny G entertained passengers on a flight to San Francisco in April to raise money for a charity that one of the flight attendants was involved with. Until now I have never requested to sit next to the one year old twins with colic.
"BAAHUBALI 2" BECOMES INDIA’S HIGHEST-GROSSING MOVIE
If you loved 'Baahubali 1,' RUN, don't walk, to the farthest theater to see this beloved sequel. Just as the words "Here's looking at you, kid" have become etched into the fabric of society, so shall the immortal phrase "Mera vachan hi shaasan hai."
DOVE RELEASES "BODY TYPE" LOTION BOTTLES
In April, Dove's U.K. division announced plans to issue moisturizer containers that mimicked women's diverse body types. The idea was abandoned when it was learned that the Kim Kardashian bottle type was incompatible with the Taylor Swift bottle type, and neither one of them could remain on the shelf with the Katy Perry bottle type. All were invited to be in Trump's cabinet, but declined.
THE EAGLES SUE HOTEL CALIFORNIA
American rock band The Eagles filed a lawsuit in May against a property in Todos Santos, Mexico calling itself Hotel California. Even though the town is about 800 miles from California and everyone there speaks a different language, people who are actually from California have said that it's more convenient to get to than the L.A. Hyatt.
Yes, 2017 was a trying year. I tried it myself, and I didn't like it much. But there were many stories that flew way under the radar and almost crashed into a parked car. I consider it my job to bring these stories to you, and I urge you to look them up and see if you can't make any sense of them either.
NEW ORGAN DISCOVERED INSIDE THE HUMAN BODY
In January it was discovered that an organ called the "mesentery" now resides inside the human body. Where it was before that is anybody's guess, but it might have been there all along, quietly reading the paper. If it's one of those organs that doesn't seem to have a steady job and can be removed at any time, like the gall bladder or the appendix, then I will volunteer, if necessary, to donate mine to someone else who doesn't need it either.
CPR MUSICAL PLAYLIST COMPILED
In an effort to train people in the correct tempo with which to perform cardio-pulmonary resuscitation, New York Presbyterian Hospital released in March a playlist of songs that demonstrate the preferred rate of 100 chest compressions within one minute. On the playlist are "Stayin' Alive" and "Another One Bites the Dust." I loaded them on my iPod, but sometimes I leave it on "shuffle," and if "Money" by Pink Floyd happens to come up instead, I can't be responsible for what a song in 7/4 time signature could do to somebody's heart.
SOME PATIENTS OPTING FOR UBER OVER AMBULANCE
In April it came to light that some people in need of emergency medical services are using ride-hailing apps instead of calling an ambulance, in order to save hundreds of dollars. For one thing, the EMT isn't going to stop at the deli along the way, and you know the food at the hospital is going to suck. As a trade-off, there will not be an oxygen tank in the Uber ride, but they'll probably have an air freshener hanging from the mirror at least. If you happen to be an Uber driver, you might want to take a good look at the injury and determine if you need to collect the fare in advance.
NORTH KOREANS SPOTTED PLAYING VOLLEYBALL AT NUCLEAR TEST SITE
In April it was reported that several volleyball games were observed by satellite being contested at the Punggye-ri nuclear weapons test site in North Korea. As yet it remains unclear whether the country possesses the ability to fit a missile with an atomic armament, and if so, whether it would disrupt the game.
KENNY G PLAYS IMPROMPTU CONCERT ABOARD DELTA FLIGHT
Kenny G entertained passengers on a flight to San Francisco in April to raise money for a charity that one of the flight attendants was involved with. Until now I have never requested to sit next to the one year old twins with colic.
"BAAHUBALI 2" BECOMES INDIA’S HIGHEST-GROSSING MOVIE
If you loved 'Baahubali 1,' RUN, don't walk, to the farthest theater to see this beloved sequel. Just as the words "Here's looking at you, kid" have become etched into the fabric of society, so shall the immortal phrase "Mera vachan hi shaasan hai."
DOVE RELEASES "BODY TYPE" LOTION BOTTLES
In April, Dove's U.K. division announced plans to issue moisturizer containers that mimicked women's diverse body types. The idea was abandoned when it was learned that the Kim Kardashian bottle type was incompatible with the Taylor Swift bottle type, and neither one of them could remain on the shelf with the Katy Perry bottle type. All were invited to be in Trump's cabinet, but declined.
THE EAGLES SUE HOTEL CALIFORNIA
American rock band The Eagles filed a lawsuit in May against a property in Todos Santos, Mexico calling itself Hotel California. Even though the town is about 800 miles from California and everyone there speaks a different language, people who are actually from California have said that it's more convenient to get to than the L.A. Hyatt.
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