ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (05-10-18)
The weather finally lightened up enough for me to plant this damn grapevine seedling that I got from Home Depot two months ago. "That thing's dead," my wife said. "They've been saying the same thing about Abe Vigoda for the last ten years, and who's having the last laugh now?" I countered. "Yeah, well, he's dead, too," she said. "Really?" I said. "He still looks the same as he always did."
This is the time of year when I suffer from "greenish envy" from looking around at everybody's lawn on my street, and realizing that mine looks like an abandoned excavation area that may eventually become a Superfund site. And every year I foolishly think things are going to be different this time. I don't want to sound like an idiot when my neighbor Paul strolls over to get a look at my lawn, so I've been researching some cutting edge technology to impress him, starting with the fertilizer. I heard of a young couple raving about in vitro fertilization, so I've got my eye on that.
Last year I was pulling weeds from my lawn, the ones that look like tiny bouquets with a single white flower that comes out of the top. "You gotta wack that with the 'weed and feed,' Paul said. "You're gonna be there all day." "You don't understand," I answered. "This time it's personal. I want each of them to see the look on my face when I do what must be done" I hate this particular weed more than any other. When the coroner's report came back it turned out that I had strangled each one of those weeds to death and then stabbed it 17 times in a classic case of overkill.
Two weeks later I had a free Saturday, and I re-seeded the lawn, spread the fertilizer and did everything all in one shot. I figured this would bring my front yard right into line with everybody else's, and I would be the hero of the neighborhood, the Lawn Ranger. "You didn't put down 'weed and feed,' did you? You're going to kill the grass seeds." Instead I'm a landscapegoat. I'm like human Agent Orange.
I went back to the yard store. "Isn't there something something that can kill just the weeds without harming my grass seedlings?" I asked the guy with the overalls. If there's anyone who would know what to do with my lawn, it's a guy wearing overalls. "You mean 'SMART weed and feed?' That can eliminate the broadleaf weed, like your chickweed, your clovers, your spurges but not the grasses, like your fescue or your bluegrass?" "YES!" I screamed. "That's what I want!" "Oh I don't know of any product like that."
My wife tells me we should just hire a guy to do the landscaping, but there is a certain satisfaction in doing it yourself. Whenever I see my neighbors out at their pool while some stranger mows their lawn, I think of what an empty, shallow life they lead. At least maybe I should get a riding mower, but I know that I'm the one that's going to get taken for a ride in the showroom. If I hear the phrase "cockpit" just ONCE, I'm out of there. And do I seriously need a GPS?
There's something burrowing around in the yard. There are all these tunnels, and they seem interconnected. I think there might be a subway system down there that didn't go through the proper channels of approval. Is it a mole? I need someone who can go down there infiltrate the underground and secretly try to gather information. What I need is a mole.
I get the feeling that the neighbors are embarrassed by my lawn, but they've never said anything to my face. It's unlikely that I'll hear anything through the grapevine- I think that thing is dead.
The weather finally lightened up enough for me to plant this damn grapevine seedling that I got from Home Depot two months ago. "That thing's dead," my wife said. "They've been saying the same thing about Abe Vigoda for the last ten years, and who's having the last laugh now?" I countered. "Yeah, well, he's dead, too," she said. "Really?" I said. "He still looks the same as he always did."
This is the time of year when I suffer from "greenish envy" from looking around at everybody's lawn on my street, and realizing that mine looks like an abandoned excavation area that may eventually become a Superfund site. And every year I foolishly think things are going to be different this time. I don't want to sound like an idiot when my neighbor Paul strolls over to get a look at my lawn, so I've been researching some cutting edge technology to impress him, starting with the fertilizer. I heard of a young couple raving about in vitro fertilization, so I've got my eye on that.
Last year I was pulling weeds from my lawn, the ones that look like tiny bouquets with a single white flower that comes out of the top. "You gotta wack that with the 'weed and feed,' Paul said. "You're gonna be there all day." "You don't understand," I answered. "This time it's personal. I want each of them to see the look on my face when I do what must be done" I hate this particular weed more than any other. When the coroner's report came back it turned out that I had strangled each one of those weeds to death and then stabbed it 17 times in a classic case of overkill.
Two weeks later I had a free Saturday, and I re-seeded the lawn, spread the fertilizer and did everything all in one shot. I figured this would bring my front yard right into line with everybody else's, and I would be the hero of the neighborhood, the Lawn Ranger. "You didn't put down 'weed and feed,' did you? You're going to kill the grass seeds." Instead I'm a landscapegoat. I'm like human Agent Orange.
I went back to the yard store. "Isn't there something something that can kill just the weeds without harming my grass seedlings?" I asked the guy with the overalls. If there's anyone who would know what to do with my lawn, it's a guy wearing overalls. "You mean 'SMART weed and feed?' That can eliminate the broadleaf weed, like your chickweed, your clovers, your spurges but not the grasses, like your fescue or your bluegrass?" "YES!" I screamed. "That's what I want!" "Oh I don't know of any product like that."
My wife tells me we should just hire a guy to do the landscaping, but there is a certain satisfaction in doing it yourself. Whenever I see my neighbors out at their pool while some stranger mows their lawn, I think of what an empty, shallow life they lead. At least maybe I should get a riding mower, but I know that I'm the one that's going to get taken for a ride in the showroom. If I hear the phrase "cockpit" just ONCE, I'm out of there. And do I seriously need a GPS?
There's something burrowing around in the yard. There are all these tunnels, and they seem interconnected. I think there might be a subway system down there that didn't go through the proper channels of approval. Is it a mole? I need someone who can go down there infiltrate the underground and secretly try to gather information. What I need is a mole.
I get the feeling that the neighbors are embarrassed by my lawn, but they've never said anything to my face. It's unlikely that I'll hear anything through the grapevine- I think that thing is dead.
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment