KEEPING UP UPSTATE

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (03-07-19)

      If you travel about two hours north on the New York State Thruway and then exit the highway, you'll find yourself in an enchanted foreign land. An exotic place where there is less pressure to keep up with the Kardashians. I have to admit, I'm starting to fall behind, their names sound alike and they look alike, so from now on I'm only going to try to keep up with the slower ones. Anyway, the place I'm talking about is called Upstate New York, and it's challenging, beautiful and inscrutable. It's not hard to get here, but if even you're using your GPS you still have to pay attention. There's Route 28, there's Old Route 28, and then there's a Deceased Route 28 out there still drawing Social Security checks. Our GPS said we should turn right at an "Unnamed Road." How hard could it have been to just name the road? Name it "Different But in No Way Inferior Route 28" for all I care. It's like going all the way through the desert on a horse with no name. Just name the damn horse already and let's all have lunch. We went over a bridge that said "Esopus Creek." The second time we passed over Esopus Creek we thought it was an unusual coincidence that there were two Esopus Creeks. Maybe one of them was "Old Esopus Creek?" The third time we figured we might be lost, but the fourth time we realized that Esopus Creek might be lost.

 

      Where I live, a bunch of rusted out pickup trucks on my property is considered an eyesore. I knew a guy that had four Saabs and one wife. The wife and one of the Saabs worked. Then two years later he had no wife but two more Saabs that didn't work, and he considered it an even trade, since the wife wasn't working anymore either. But up here, for some reason, a bunch of junk on a lawn is scenery, and a glimpse into your personal history. As I pass by your house, I can guess the number of people who live there, and whether or not they were ever able to get the hang of jumping on a trampoline or not. I can guess the ages of your kids, since that Big Wheel hasn't moved since 1983.

 

     I've never heard anything about a leash law in these parts, so your dog is on the honor system here. My dog will destroy all your toilet paper rolls if she gets into your house, so you'd better put them under lock and key. And don't let me catch yours on my lawn unless it's pushing a lawnmower. There are owner restraint regulations in my town, so if you live upstate you should put your dog on a 128-mile leash.

 
     I've decided that I need a tractor. If I had one I could do all my tracting in half the time, and spend the rest of my day feeding the livestock. There are a lot of places to buy feed around these parts. Whatever it is you are trying to grow, you can find something to feed it with at the feed store. You can buy 50 pounds of all-grain feed for $14.99, if you're grain isn't growing well enough. if you have a chicken that you are trying to fatten up for tonight's barbecue, feed it the whole bag and you've got yourself a 52-pound chicken. If you have very high standards, consider a 30 lb. tub of Purina Honor Show High Octane Power Fuel for $52.99. I know that's expensive, but it is high octane, so they'll also clean your pet's windshield for free.

 

     There's not as much good pizza up there, but there is a whole lot more good barbecue. I'm sure you could get a kale salad up here, but it seems like precisely the type of thing you're trying to get away from for a little while. If you're looking for a place to stay, there are plenty of motels. The sign in front says "COLOR TV!" Sometimes "HBO!" Or "AIR CONDITIONING!" The air may not always be in mint condition, but speaking for myself (since everyone else thinks I'm nuts) I feel a whole lot more comfortable in a place where the maintenance guy is also the concierge. I even went down to the pool, and it wasn't crowded at all, since it's an outdoor pool.
 
     The subject of politics did not come up. Could these be the same people that handed such a poor specimen the keys to the country? I don't know, but they couldn't have been nicer in person. Proving once again that politics is an unreliable barometer of just about everything. On the way back to the highway we narrowly missed a collision with either a very small coyote or a very large fox. There's no leash law for coyotes either up here, but if that happens to be your scrawny coyote you might want to start him on some Producer's Pride Hog Grower, 50 pounds for $13.99, and he'll be starting at left tackle for the high school football team before you know it.