CAPERS FROM THE CAPE

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (08-27-20)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     It's true that vacations are scaled down these days, and you can't visit everywhere and do everything that a robust agenda might have on it. But that doesn't mean that we can't have a good time. After being cooped up in my house for five months, doing my taxes in a hotel room in Patterson would seem like a romantic getaway. And right now it's important to show that we can wear a mask when we need to, stay apart and work it into the plan without a whole lot of fuss. We rented a house in Provincetown, Massachusetts for a few nights and had a great time.

     It wasn't exactly the same experience as it used to be, when we used to hang out at the Governor Bradford until one o'clock in the morning, listening to the drag queens run Karaoke night. They had some chess boards built into the tables near the window, and we used to play, even though there would always be a piece or two missing. If you happened to capture my queen, there were always plenty more where that came from onstage. Female impersonators have a short fuse for people who can't carry a tune, and they won't let you twist in the wind for too long before they chime in and help you carry it somewhere unharmed.

     About 99 percent of the people walking on Commercial Street were wearing a mask, so it felt very safe to shop and people-watch. I noticed that I couldn't yawn with my mask on, so I made a point of not going anywhere boring. There were a ton of pretty girls and ladies walking around, at least I assume there were, I couldn't see much of their faces. The era of coronavirus has been a boon for girls with nice eyes. I remember back in high school, when one of my girl friends said, "I know the perfect girl for you." Which meant that they knew someone so desperate that they would possibly put up with me for one evening. And I'd shallowly ask if they were good-looking, and my friend would say, "She has great eyes," which meant the rest of her looked like a Goya painting. It was one step up from "She has a fantastic personality," which was a guarantee, if true, that she definitely wouldn't like me.

     When we sat down at the restaurant we could relax and take our masks off so we didn't have to eat through our ears. Like New York, the rule is that you have to eat a convincing amount of food in order to purchase drinks from the bar. I had been fasting since breakfast, knowing that I can only drink as much as I can eat. To my chagrin there was a one-hour table limit, and I almost had a panic attack. What if it's Daylight Savings Time and they set the clocks ahead and I have to leave before I get there? Thankfully no one was keeping 4/4 time, and I ate an entire pizza's worth of beer. Covid-era government is making us fat.

     As we got on our bikes to go home we saw a fox running across the street, of all things. I could see how foxy it was because it wasn't wearing a mask like a racoon does, and you could tell it wasn't a housecat because of the tail. A fox has a tail that looks like it was ordered from Etsy and hastily fastened on with a safety pin. Then we saw another one, so I guess foxes are in and cats are SO last year. In fact we didn't see any cats at all, and usually the place is brimming with them because of all the seafood, but this time there isn't as much Chenin Blanc left over to go with it.

     The next couple days were great for lounging at the shore, and our dog Gidget proved to be a carefree beach bunny. We took a walk along the sand bar at low tide, basking in the frequent praise of dog lovers unfamiliar with her breed. Gidget took it in furry stride, and even dipped her paws into the water (she's fussy about her paws). On the bay beach in Provincetown at low tide you can stroll for 15 minutes into the water and barely get your shins wet. If you keep walking and you see signs for Faneuil Hall, you went too far. There were no lifeguards, but with 80-degree water, no waves, no alcohol, no depth and tiny little fish, you'd really have to expend some effort to get into any trouble. It seemed much more dangerous to check my emails from work. There was a girl who found a nice-sized horseshoe crab, and I told her that an upside down horseshoe is good luck, although maybe not for the crab.

     We got back to our chairs before the tide rolled in and swallowed up the sand bar, and I picked up the crossword puzzle and turned on the AM radio to a country music station. If I listen to country music for too long I start to say "babuh" a lot and talk about my truck, even though I don't own a truck, and it takes two days to get it out of my system. But it sounds good at the beach, and when Gidget settled onto her own towel for a nice nap, it seemed like a pretty good idea.

     The next day it was already time to go home, and before we hit the traffic on Route 6, I wished I could take a piece of paradise with me. And there it was: a rest area with a sign that said, "Adopt Me." Before I could jot the number down we were already into the rotary. It's just as well, we don't have room for it in the garage, but wouldn't it be nice to have an area like that for the rest of the summer.